Come on baby!!

We're getting down to the wire. That, my friends, is just a little bit insane. We've anticipated this time of the year since April! 

In fact, for the past months we've been trying to convince her to make her birthday yesterday, December 18th. It was the most ideal date for lots of reasons, like family in town, Clint having the most time home, etc. But alas, she thinks she's not done cookin. 

(this was at 37 weeks)

I wanted to give a quick update with how pregnancy is going these days but first I want to say something. I feel like sometimes when I'm real about how hard pregnancy is and how hard my pregnancy has been, people thing I'm ungrateful. I am so incredibly grateful for this little girl. I never knew you could love something so much before even seeing. I really don't mean to be insensitive to anyone. I know a lot of people say they don't like to blog about the hard things because they don't want to remember them, but I disagree with that.

 My college degree isn't such a big accomplishment to me because it was so easy and fun and I sailed through it. It's a big deal because of all those hard times. It's a big deal because of how I felt when I saw my first F on a test and instead of giving up, I worked my butt off and ended up getting a B. It's a big deal because I didn't think I could do it and now I'm graduating with honors. It's a big deal because of how much I've invested in the last 4 years, all the stress, and how HARD it has been. I want to remember those times because that is what contributes to a sense of accomplishment. So yes, believe it or not I do want to remember those nights (like last night) where I only slept for four hours. I want to remember that I threw up 14 times a day. I want to remember that for a whole 9 months I felt absolutely terrible. I want to remember all those hard things because of the purpose behind them. I've done all that for my sweet baby girl. While it's still really really hard, it's an honor to sacrifice for someone you love. What's a bigger accomplishment than becoming a mother? I want to remember how hard I've worked for her and also remember how worth it it has already been. 

(outside of the building where my almost impossible biochemistry class took place)

(stop staring at my kankles, yo! I saw that...)

Ironically, after making that point I don't really feel like talking about my symptoms lately. Maybe we'll just let that sink in. 

But I am making progress! 

She dropped around 34 weeks (a little sooner than average) and it feels like she drops lower every day! Sometimes I feel like she is going to fall out.  

My weight has stabilized. I lost three pounds in a week which can be a sign that labor is fairly soon. Despite the fact that I feel like a whale (and I look like one too), my weight gain is totally in the middle of what's recommended. I'm really looking forward to seeing how much of this is water weight!  

I've been having lots of contractions. Last night they lasted for hours but were pretty mild. And obviously, they went away. Sad face. Still, it's a good sign.

Speaking of contractions, having them so consistently made it really real and It freaked me out a little bit. My whole pregnancy I've pretty much been in survival mode. Survive the sickness. Survive work. Survive school. Now that I'm not working or going to school, I'm able to think about things I was much to busy to before. Like tearing. And episiotomy. That's probably the thing that scares me the most with labor. It gave me a little bit of anxiety. I just need to stay calm and wait for this baby :)

This might be TMI for some people, but most people want to know. I'm dilated to a 1 and the cervix is soft. My body is making little preparations. My doctor said it's not uncommon for first time moms to not really dilate until actual labor so it's a poor sign of how soon it's coming. 

My belly is measuring smaller than average (believe it or not), but she's measuring ahead of schedule. My doctor seemed a little surprised when she told me how big she is. Not gonna lie, it doesn't surprise me one bit. My family has giant monster babies. Who doesn't love a chubby baby right?

 Thank you for all of your love and support :) 

Huge thanks to Annie for my graduation pictures! She is so great :)

I'm done.

I'm done. So totally completely 100% done. 

I honestly can't believe it. 

I can't wrap my head around-

no more homework

no more tests

no more nice teachers

no more frustrating teachers

no more paying tuition

no more making study friends

no more trekking across campus with a billion books

no more scantrons?! 

Basically, it doesn't feel real. 

I can't believe I'm done with college forever. 

(that is until I do my masters which will happen at some point)

Every once in awhile when I think about walking across that stage at graduation and getting my diploma, it sinks in just a little bit and I get teary eyed. Half because I'm so proud of myself and I can't believe I'm done, and half because I'm sad it's over. Aside from the stressful deadlines and tricky teachers, I've really enjoyed college. I really enjoy learning in general (and I don't plan to stop now). I really am so grateful for everything that made it possible for me to finish school. Obviously, all my blessings came from above. The fact that the Summer I graduated from high school I was able to work two jobs (often 12+ hour days) and save up enough to pay for my first semester's tuition and fees all on my own. I'm thankful for the amazing friends/study partners I've made that have made school so much more enjoyable and doable. I'm grateful for my mom who, during my first semester of college when I got a C in general chemistry, wouldn't let me give up and change my major to something "easier." At the time if you had told me I would get an A+ in organic chemistry, I would have told you you were insane. I'm grateful for a sweet husband who encouraged me to accomplish this huge goal. I'm grateful for the encouragement he gave me during all those late night crying fits when I thought for sure this was totally impossible. I'm so grateful that my body cooperated enough that I was able to finish my last semester pregnant. At graduation I will be 37 weeks and 5 days!  I'm grateful for the tutors and teachers who helped me when I needed it. I'm grateful that we have been blessed financially to be able to pay for school. 

I get to toot my own horn a little bit too right? Because I'm really grateful I never gave up on myself. I'm proud of myself for following through and accomplishing something I was sure was impossible at least a thousand times. 

Basically, accomplishing goals feels really really great. Especially when they're hard to do. 

An Ultra Super Quick Update

Sup, yo? 

It's finals week.

When a bag of M&Ms becomes a perfectly acceptable dinner. 

Where we trade showering and putting on make up with study time....and then the stress gets to us and we take useless breaks like baking 17 dozen cookies. (say it's not just me)

Where the standard of hygiene is adjusted...see above. 

When you're so stressed that little things like paper cuts make you want to scream at the top of your lungs. 

You know the drill. 

Doing finals AND being 36+ weeks pregnant is like...woah. 

It's really hard.

I'm exhausted. And in pain. And sick. And extremely uncomfortable. I have to sleep A LOTTaking up so much time sleeping is most inconvenient. Problem is, I'm 0% productive without adequate sleep. Pregnancy is getting rough(er) but I'll write about that later. I feel really fortunate to be healthy enough to go to school and finish! Right now I'm just focused on graduation. I'm so close! 

I really appreciate all of you who are cheering me on! 

I'll be back soon!!

[This was at 36 weeks]

Kids or Careers

Hi friends! It's been so long. First, I haven't posted on here in forever because my blog has run out of space and I can't upload any pictures! I need to fix that. Second, I've been so crazy busy. Basically, it's a really good day if my hair and clothes are clean. You should see our apartment. Did you know that there's only 3 weeks left until graduation? 5 weeks left until my due date. Life is about to get crazy!

[to understand what I'm talking about below, you should know that after you get a dietetics degree, you still have to do an internship for about a year and pass an exam before you can be certified. The internship is basically another year of school on steroids. The tuition is expensive. It demands a lot. Usually minimum 40 hours. You do rotations in clinical (hospitals), public health, nutrition management, etc. Compared to what you can do with the RD certification, your options are pretty limited without it.]

That's what I wanted to talk about today. I just attended a meeting held by the internship director at ASU. To be honest, I'm feeling a little bit hopeless. I had a plan after graduation. Apply for part time local internships that will start the Fall of 2013. I'd stay home with Ainsley until she was about 8 months old, and then we'd work childcare between family, close friends, and my husband while I did my internship part time. Still not knowing if this is what would happen, at least having a plan gave me comfort. 

Until today. 

I learned that I can't get into the part time internship I was hoping for without working full time for one year, OR, of course I could do the full time options. The full time part is the part that makes my heart sink. The thought of working full time and leaving my baby for so much time makes me want to cry. I want to be able to be a full time mommy and a part time dietitian. I always want my family to come first. I feel good about my goal of getting my internship and having a career. I don't think there's anything wrong with moms working. In fact, I think it's a great thing! As long as the children don't suffer, of course. It's good to be well rounded.

But I'm so confused. I feel so strongly about getting my certification and working, but it doesn't seem like it's possible. I know the most important thing I'll do in life, besides being a wife, is to be a mother. I want with all my heart to be the best mom ever! But does that mean pursuing goals in other areas of my life means I'm sacrificing my family? I don't think so...but where's the balance??

Do I put my sweet baby in daycare full time for 10 months to get my certification that will open a lot of doors for our family in the future? That doesn't feel right...but neither does giving up. Women, we have a tricky balance to find, don't we?

The short list.

I have a lot to be grateful for. 

a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot

A LOT! 

Here's a few of my top picks

1) My religion. There are about a billion and 50 things about my religion that I love, but one of the things I especially love right now is that it teaches us to be grateful. Being grateful isn't just something nice and "extra" to do, it's commanded of us (story of the ten lepers, anyone?). I know when I'm grateful for what I have, I'm happier. I'm pretty sure this works the same in all humans. 

2) My husband. This is a big "duh" for everyone I'm sure. My husband and my marriage bless my life so much. It takes a lot of work and patience but it's so worth it. I really do love being married. In an unrelated note, I like to look at my husband's face very much.

3) Ainsley. Some might argue that she's not a real person yet and that I'm not yet a mom, but to that I say (very maturely) that you're wrong and I'm right so there! I already love her so much and feel like I've gotten a glimpse into her personality. I love feeling her feet and knees and shoulders and everything. It's so sweet and beautiful. COOK FASTER BABY!!!!

4) School. I graduate in less than a month, say WHAAAT?! I'm a little sad to be done. I plan on going back for my masters but not right away. Either way, I am really grateful for the opportunity I've had to challenge myself and grow and "master" a subject (though I feel nutrition is something you could never really master). I'm grateful I've stuck with it even when I thought it was impossible. No joke, I got a C in general chemistry my freshman year and almost changed my major to industrial design or marketing. At the time it seemed impossible to make it to biochemistry when I was struggling with general chemistry. That's one of the greatest lessons I've learned with school. You can do more that you think you can. You just take it one step at a time. I'm also grateful for everyone who encouraged me and supported me through the last 4 years. 

5) The generosity of others. I had my baby shower earlier this month and Clint and I were honestly blown away by how generous everyone was. Both of our families have been amazing! We've also had so many friends bring generous gifts or make generous offers to help when Ainsley is born. It has been such a great example to us. THANK YOU!!! 

6) Our families. This goes without saying. Clint and I both have great families that play an important role in our loves. We love the support we've been shown especially during this time of welcoming in a new little one. 

7) Our jobs. Technically, I had to quit mine but I just received my last paycheck last Friday so we haven't felt the difference financially yet. Clint and I have been so blessed. Part of me wants to high-five my husband and do a party dance to celebrate the fact that ,because we have been so smart with our money and worked hard, we're coming out of college completely debt free (yes, that means not even a car payment). On the other hand, I know that while we had an obvious role in it, we couldn't have done it ourselves. We have been blessed so much. Last year when we were struggling more, several hundred dollars literally showed up in my bank account for a scholarship I never applied for. Heavenly Father works miracles. So I guess this encompasses more than jobs. Our finances in general is something to be grateful for. We don't have extra money to throw at the wind, but we have just enough for what we need and it has been such a huge blessing to us. 

8) My friends. I honestly have the best friends in the whole world. Earlier in my pregnancy I had several friends bring me dinner (uh, that's HUGE). So many friend came to my shower not to mention helped! Lots of my friends have been so patient when I've asked them thousands of pregnancy/baby questions. Even the ones who just offer me kind words or even just put up with my crazy. 

Eight is a weird number to end on isn't it? That's okay. Those are the few that I feel most strongly about right now. This is the short list after all. 

Oh, and if you need something to help you to be grateful, watch this video. It'll change your mood in a jiff. 

How my husband saved my life.

When I quit my job I didn't know what that would mean for my blog, considering the only time I blogged was during downtime at work. 

The answer so far: I never blog, ha!

Hopefully I'll get into a routine and be able to keep it up. Is there anything you want to hear about? 

Tonight, though, I want to tell you a story of how my husband saved my life. I don't want to forget it! 

In one of my classes, we were to interview someone in a specific dietetic practice group and present on what we learned. The DPG I chose was Nutrition Education for the Public. It's pretty small. Our teacher told us we should have no problem finding someone, so I wasn't that worried about it. The assignment was due 3 weeks after it was given. I started right away e-mailing people. I would send a batch of about 3 emails out, wait a few days, then send 3 or so more. Basically I had e-mailed a bunch of people with no response. A week before the assignment was due, I got a response from someone saying they were willing to answer my questions. I sent them my questions and didn't hear anything back for several days. I sent out several more e-mails just in case. I wasn't too worried thought because I thought I had found someone. The day before my assignment was due, I e-mailed her to confirm she received my questions and she responded right away saying that she had and then she asked me some questions. I answered then never heard anything back. I even e-mailed again. I knew I wasn't going to get a response from her in time, so I sent out a few more e-mails and asked everyone I knew! No luck! I sent my teacher an e-mail explaining the situation and she responded saying that I would have to take a zero for the assignment. Since the class is out of so little points and this is our biggest project, it put me in serious danger of failing. I called Clint, full on ugly crying, to tell him what had happened. I had a presidency meeting to go to that night so I was unable to try and work more solutions. I didn't see Clint until fairly late and we went to bed pretty soon after I got home. 

 Clint woke me up at 6am the next morning telling me he had someone for me to interview. Wait, what?! He had e-mailed a random person the night before on a whim. Whaddya know, she was part of this DPG and was willing to be interviewed. She sent her phone number and I called right away! With several hours before my class, I was able to finish most of my assignment!!!!!!!

I know Heavenly Father certainly had a role to play in this simple miracle for which I am grateful, but I'm so thankful for a husband who is willing to do what he can as well. It might be simple to some people, but it meant so much to me. Clint knows how important school is to me and is so supportive of me accomplishing this dream. All cheese aside, I can honestly say my husband is my hero. 

Single ladies, find your hero and don't let them go. Married ladies, believe in your husbands to be your hero. And that's probably the best advice I could give. 

So in love with this goofy boy!

p.s. thanks for letting me share my cheese ;)

Sometimes quitters are winners

I wish I had written this post last week, when everything happened. I wasn't ready to write then, but now I've forgotten a lot of the thoughts and feelings I had that I wanted to remember.

Anyway.

Lets refresh. I'm in my last semester of studying dietetics (nutrition). It's really hard. I have a full, tight schedule of challenging classes and research. I work nights and weekends (basically whenever I'm not in class). I have a leadership role in my church over women that takes quite a bit of time. Clint is just as busy as I am with work and school so the majority of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc, falls to me because he doesn't have the time either. I was also supposed to start volunteering for experience in my field as well as working on internship applications and things like that. I'm pregnant which includes lots of doctors visits, childbirth classes, being pretty sick, and about a billion preparation "to-dos". I can't put into words

I've been going nuts. At the end of the day I just want to cry because I'm so tired, and some times...I do. And homework? Forget that. I'm already falling asleep at 7pm there's no way I'm going to stay up all night and write a research paper. I've treated my calling in church as a burden rather than a blessing. I was having to skip doctor's appointments because I couldn't fit them into my schedule, and when I was making it to the doctor I was having to miss class. I missed friend's birthdays (sorry!) and ignored promptings to help others because I just didn't have enough time.

Clint has been supportive of me quitting my job for awhile now. Frankly, he's surprised I've made it this far given how difficult this pregnancy has been and how much I've got on my plate. So we've looked at our budget several times trying to figure out if we can make it if I were to quit. It was inconclusive. We have lots of expenses coming that we don't really know how much they'll cost. Plus, we don't know how long I'd go without working. There are a lot of variables we don't know how to plan for. We've been praying to know what the best thing to do was.

Then General Conference came. There were several talks that really touched me. One was by President Uchtdorf.

"Isn’t it true that we often get so busy? And, sad to say, we even wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy, by itself, was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life.

Is it?

I think of our Lord and Exemplar, Jesus Christ, and His short life among the people of Galilee and Jerusalem. I have tried to imagine Him bustling between meetings or multitasking to get a list of urgent things accomplished.

I can’t see it.

Instead I see the compassionate and caring Son of God purposefully living each day. When He interacted with those around Him, they felt important and loved. He knew the infinite value of the people He met. He blessed them, ministered to them. He lifted them up, healed them. He gave them the precious gift of His time...

Sometimes in life we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to find joy in the journey. "

(The full talk really is fabulous and everyone should read it. You can find it here: Of Regrets and Resolutions)

I realized my priorities were way out of whack. As far as my schedule goes, I was in complete survival mode. I was going around like a robot trying to frantically check everything off my list. That wasn't going so well.

 

I know that we're not just here to check things off our to do list, but also to enjoy life, to find the things that make us happy, and to help others and share our joy with them.

Another talk that really helped me was from our prophet, President Thomas S. Monson.

 

"...the Lord’s purposes are often accomplished as we pay heed to the guidance of the Spirit. I believe that the more we act upon the inspiration and impressions which come to us, the more the Lord will entrust to us His errands. I have learned, as I have mentioned in previous messages, never to postpone a prompting."

 

I recognized that I was not doing this. Not at all. I didn't have time to listen to what God was telling me, and this is not a good way to live. It's actually kind of miserable. I know these messages were an answer to my prayers and I was able to see clearly what to do.

It still wasn't easy though. It's hard for me to feel like I can't do it all. I was guilty of what President Uchtdorf described, wearing my busyness as a badge of honor. I'm proud of how I spend my time, the problem is there wasn't enough time for it all. Being busy isn't important at all if it's at the cost of the things that really matter. I realized working was the least important thing I was doing in my life and so, as I'm sure you could have guessed by now, I quit my job. I finish the month up and then I'm done til further notice. It feels good. Even though I'm doing just as much as I was doing before, my stress level is so much lower because I know there's an end coming (soon!). Plus, I know I'm doing the right thing, even if there's still part of me that's sad I couldn't fit in everything. You should know that I'm definitely not telling everyone to go out and quit their jobs, but for me in my situation, I know it's the best thing to do at this point. This hasn't coming out as eloquently as I had planned, but I'm hoping you get the idea. I'm not happy that I had to quit but I'm happy that I followed what I knew was the right thing to do. Being busy can be a good thing, but isn't, by itself, admirable.

 

What do you think? Do you feel society values being busy way too much? Are you too busy?

Happenings, thoughts, and Everything else.

Oh look! You're still here!

Even after my super ultra awkward pictures?

Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back. And if you have easy access to a cookie, go ahead and have one of those too. 

So life is super crazy right now. I wasn't aware you could be simultaniously so stressed and happy at the same time. Just livin the dream peeps!

There's a lot of things on my mind.

For starters, why don't I have a cookie in my hand right now? Life is hard.

Secondly, my husband is the greatest. Last night he told me from the back I still look just as thin as before. A stretch? Probably! Instead of making sure he noticed an obvious absence of a waist, I thanked him and hugged him and kissed him, because that's what you do with husbands.

Today one of my professors told us that if we survive his class we should make T-shirts. I can see it now...."I survived Dr. Martin's Nutrition Assessment 446 from Hell. Autographs $5."

I thought it was hilarious. That is all.

I mopped and swept the floors today and it was exponentially harder than the last time I did it. This belly gets in the way. The sciatica is worse. Fatigue is going up and up. How's a girl supposed to catch a break, eh?!

Also...I see you judging me for not cleaning my floors for almost two weeks. You just go ahead and knock it off!

Ainsley goes crazy like....all the darn time. Party. Animal. Either she moves a ton in her sleep...or she doesn't sleep. It's distracting. Sometimes it wakes me up. Sometimes I just stare at my belly. It's crazy to see my belly make waves or to see big thumps on it. A few weeks ago I balanced a pencil on my belly and watched her kick it off. To me it looks like she's knocking..."Mom, can I come out yet?!" No baby girl, no. Not until the afternoon of December 21st (my graduation day). Then feel free. Except for days 23-26. Christmas has claimed them.

I am really stressed. I mentioned that before didn't I? Balancing work, school (which is insane!), my calling, being crazy sick, my daily 2.5-3 hour commute, cleaning the house, cooking and a billion other things are taking their toll. The other day I had to give a presentation in class but I was vomiting. I worked through the presentation shaky, sweaty, and with watery eyes. It was kind of sad for me to feel like I can't do it. It's hard to know what to do at this point. I don't know if it's best for me to quit work. Can we even afford that? Maybe I need to start volunteering. If I want an internship it's absolutely crucial I get experience like, yesterday. What's best for our family in the long run? What will keep my sanity? Actually, that last question probably doesn't have any possible answers....ha!

I am sooooo so so so so excited for the holidays! I'm crazy about holidays. If I had it my way, my house would be the one in the paper with the best Christmas lights. My house around Halloween would turn into a cute, spooky haunted house. Valentine's would be a month long affair if I had it my way. First, Halloween. I love Halloween. The only decoration I have is a cute witch that hangs on the door but I'm dying to get her out :)

I want pizza.

I graduate soon.

I love my husband.

The end.

Super (tired) mom

I've been in school for a week and a half now.

Somehow I thought that my motivation for finishing school would somehow give me extra energy, but that didn't (at all) happen. Those 12 hours days at school are a lot harder than I remember them being. Going to work for all afternoon/night is torture after spending all morning at school. I work weekends too. And when do I fit in homework? Some nights driving home I spend crying (after I've choked it back at work or school) because I'm so gosh darn tired and a million other things (i.e., heartburn, back pain, headaches, my feet are swollen like balloons, etc.)! So you get it right? Life is busy. Normally when life is so busy you make time by cutting out sleep. I can't exactly do that since if I sleep 8 hours or less I can't stay awake past noon. I'm not exaggerating that

I'm not trying to complain, we're just getting on the same page okay?

So I don't know what to do. I feel like somethings gotta give, but what?!

I don't know if we can afford for me to stop working now, plus I'd feel super guilty having Clint working so hard going to school and work. Quitting school is not an option. I think you probably know that by now. Asking to be released from my calling just doesn't seem right. Those are my biggest things right now. Clint helps me with the house chores and grocery shopping but he can't do it all either. He has a lot on his plate too!

Even though I have no idea what will happen and how things will turn out, I have peace knowing the Lord is on my side. Clint gave me a blessing and I was able to feel so much love and know that I'm doing the right things in my life. I guess I will do it all until we come up with a better solution.

In the meantime, I had a comforting thought driving to work this morning (I'm writing this on Saturday). Not that I would take back being pregnant or having my sweet baby girl, but sometimes I wish it would have come just a little later in life. However, today when I was driving to work I came to the realization there is no perfect time. After I graduate I still have a 9 month full time internship. I couldn't be pregnant during that knowing how sick I've been. Then right after finishing the internship, I couldn't get a job for awhile that I'd be competent at doing. So that puts off having a baby a good two years or so, and I can't imagine waiting that long to meet her. Heavenly Father is the boss and HE knows the best timing for us. There will always be reasons it's not the right time, but those reasons aren't important. My family is my number one priority. Can't wait to get this party started! Come on, Ainsley!  

Some things [possibly] worth mentioning

School has been pretty interesting for me so far.

For starters, yesterday on the train some creepy cat in baggy pants and a wife beater asked me if I had a cigarette. My reply: ummmmno. Then I think he noticed the belly, "hey you wanna buy some baby things like uh....I dunno a breast pump?" If you have never heard a gangter say the word breast pump, you haven't experienced funny.

My rolling back pack has been working out pretty great. First I should tell you that it looks like it was made in the 80s and has fallen off its fair share of tall cliffs. I thought it would be the cure-all to my back problems, but there's a lot of things I didn't think about. The way I have to maneuver my body since I'm too tall for it hurts my shoulder. That's a problem when you have TOS. Secondly, I didn't anticipate having to run with it. Every bump and crack in the sidewalk throws it off it's track and makes it look like something exploded in there and it twists and so does my arm and next thing you know we have a compound fracture. Pregnant lady running with psycho rolling backpack.  Please don't even picture this. Third, because of some of the issues indicated in the second point, I didn't realize how many people it would take out. Not only have I tripped over it, but it's only a matter of time until the entire student population of ASU is injured.

I had one teacher spend the entire first lecture giving us advice about life. In fact, she called the lecture "unsolicited advice." She talked to us about Harry Potter and how reading can change your life. She told us how we need to balance being assertive and aggressive and how we really need to get to know our culture. She stressed being productive ALL THE TIME. She said appearance matters. It's not like what she was saying was crazy by itself I was like WHAAAA who are you lady? Aren't we supposed to be learning about nutrition in the lifecycle. I'm a scientist, I doubt I'll ever be much of a reader and I have a pretty strong moral compass as it is plus, I think everything you're saying that is valid, I already know. I have better things to do like watch my belly grow. I thought it was weird. Has anyone else had a teacher give you life and moral advice? I wanted to leave the class so I could, I don't know, be productive. She talked for almost an hour about it.

Yesterday in Advanced Human Nutrition 2 we were supposed to go around the room and say our career goals and something about ourselves. I think teachers make us do this because they want to pick out the dietitians and the medical students. When it got to one particularly thin girl, she announced that she was due in January. I took one look at her washboard abs and almost stood on my desk to called the liar out. Then I wanted to propel myself over her desk and pull her hair. I kid. I was too in shock to think of any of this. All I gotta say is homegirl better be due the 196th of January.

So, I'm a nutrition major. Nutrition majors aren't supposed to get fat. You wouldn't believe how many stares and dirty looks I get at this bump I'm now sporting. For "payback" I'm contemplating telling them that I let myself go over the Summer and discovered how delicious McDonalds and KFC are. I'll probably say this while scratching my belly or armpits. 

Aside from that, I've talked to two of my professors about the pregnancy. I'm doing an assessment class that's all about the biochemical aspect of nutrition. It sounds awesome. We get to do biochemical profiles on ourselves, things that would normally cost hundreds and that insurance doesn't cover. I talked to them because I'm unable to follow some of the diets we do and fasting we have to do. Basically, you follow different diets and see how it affects you biochemically. Cool huh? The only uncool thing is that we have to save all our urine and carry it around bright orange containers to store it in. Anyway, that's not the point. The professors I've talked to so far have been really kind and understanding of my pregnancy. One even said if the semester was almost over and I delivered early, he would give me an incomplete to take the final later! It's coming together. 

My schedule is kind of awful. Some days I'm at school for 12 hours. The other days I have school and then go straight to work until late. Basically I'm really exhausted but I'm really happy! :)  

Are you in school this semester? How is it going for you? What classes are you taking? I'd love to hear about it!!!

If you can call it that.

Today was the first day of my last semester of school. 

In other words, it was the first day of school, if you can call it that. 

Lets start at the beginning. Clint woke me up shaking me and singing and shouting something like, "GOOD MORNING!" Then I shouted something back like, "AHHH TOO MUCH NOISE! LET THE BEAR SLEEP!"

I finally got up and threw on some somewhat presentable clothes and drove to the light rail station. Holy cow. There were some extremely hygenically compromised individuals on there this morning. There was some serious mouth breathing going on, but then of course I could taste it which didn't help to sooth my preggoed ego self. As soon as they got off everyone on the train took a big breath of acceptable air. Then we all laughed. Nothing brings people together like surviving the great stench of 2012 together. 

Then I went to my first class. It's about the biochemical aspect of nutrition and I was super excited to get started. Only, the teacher never showed up so we waited for him for half an hour and then left. 

Then I went to the bookstore to look at all those insanely overpriced books to see if I could stomach shelling out my hard earned dolla billz for them. It didn't work. 

Then I went back to the light rail station to head home. Even though I hate commuting over an hour to school (especially when the professor doesn't show up and especially when it's just for one class!) I really love the downtown aspect. It's so exciting to me. I love the tall buildings, but mostly I love the architecture of the older buildings. 

1) isn't downtown beautiful? 2) my feet are disappearing 3) my transportation for the next 4 months 

So, it was pretty fun. I came home and ate two sandwiches and didn't even feel bad about it. I'm debating if I should include the part where I ate two cookies too.

 Now it's off to work. I'm already exhausted and it's only the first day AND I'm not even half way through the day. But I just want to say that I am so happy to be back in school. I'm so grateful for for the opportunity I HAVE to go to school. I know it might be cheesy, but I love that in America we can decide to be anything we want and the only thing that can hold us back is ourselves! Yeah, Pursuit of Happyness is one of my favorite movies :) By the way, I know how to spell happiness. That's how they spell it in the movie right? Anyway, I love pushing yourself to learn more and be more and seeing it come to fruition. I don't count myself as one of the smartest cats on the street, but I'm really proud of what I've done in school so far. When I started I would have never guessed I'd be able to get an A+ in organic chemistry! I'm really looking forward to this semester. 

Hope your day is as glamorous and interesting ;) as mine

Momma said there'd be days like this

I'm gonna go ahead and warn you right now that my name today is Debbie Downer and if you don't feel like sticking around for that, go ahead and click that little red x in the corner. Really, I don't mind.

Today was one of those days....but the expression "one of those days" doesn't come close to describing how I feel. It was one of those days where it took me crying off all my mascara twice to realize that I was going to have to upgrade to water proof. It was one of those days where the second I walk in the door of my messy apartment I hit my knees praying because I don't have the strength to stand any more. I promise I don't even have to try to make this sound more dramatic. That's just how it was. Last night I couldn't sleep, probably because I was so stressed. The consequential exhaustion makes me even more emotional and less productive which makes me more stressed because I think of how much I need to be doing and then I spend a good portion of the day praying and crying...which I guess is semi-productive.

Disclaimer: this paragraph is the boring part (I still think it's pretty exciting) in which I rant about school/money. You may skim this or skip ahead if you so desire.
I know I've written about this a million times (probably 3 or 4) but school has been really rough on me this semester. I've enjoyed my schooling for the most part up until now. This semester it's just all seemingly impossible work with nothing interesting or rewarding. Maybe its my mix of classes, teachers, outside stressors, or just that I'm not cut out for this. Most of my stress as far as school goes is probably coming from my biochemistry class. The teacher is an insanely hard grader, gives you no points for the smallest error even if you got 99% of the question right, and asks the most ridiculous questions! The average on our last test was a 50%. Honestly, I feel like my grade should be a high B in that class gauging how much I know and have studied....but by the hair on my chin I'm not even passing. (a 70 and above is passing). If I don't pass, that means summer school every day and we will be almost 2 grand poorer. That's stressful when you're a young newly married couple. Plus I'd feel AWFUL if we had to spend $2,000 of our hard earned money on me re-taking a class I wasn't smart enough to pass the first time around! Worst wife award? And of course that also limits how much I can work so not only are we two grad out but I would be bringing less in. Then since I've been focusing on that class my other grades have been suffering. nutrition management tests and statistics tests have almost ALWAYS been on the same day as biochem. Yeah...imagine that my 3 hardest classes always having tests on the same day. Gonna go ahead and set myself up for failure now. Then there was the incident of my nutrition management project where everyone in my group decided to throw me under the bus and tell the teacher the reason our project wasn't to her liking was all my fault (even though I did the majority of the work- which I guess means it was my fault since I had to do it all!) so that I would get the worst of our bad grade, lowering that grade to a B. Yeah, my GPA is just going to suck this semester. Then of course there's statistics when the teacher doesn't tell you vital information like how the variance is just the square root of the standard deviation...or is it squared? And then your whole answer is wrong and she doesn't give you any examples are you regret largely taking that class online. Then you go to tutoring to try to understand a little bit and the only tutor is a whacked out Asian who sings some vulgar rap in a heavy accent...which is cool and all...it's just really hard to concentrate...and he gets really annoyed when he has to turn down the music to hear you ask your questions. Ugh. I could make this rant could be 1,768 times as long and it wouldn't even be hard.
end of boring school rant.

And then there's the question hanging over my head lately of what if I don't use my degree? What if I am a stay at home mom, and all this work is for essentially nothing? I know I've learned things but seriously I'm not doing all this work to not put that knowledge to use. Women, what do you think about this? Because this is decreasing my motivation drastically. I want to work, but I know that my kids will always be my priority and that may not happen. Also, I might not get an internship and even be able to USE my degree. Imma be real witchu and tell you that this scares the CRAP out of me. Anyone have a crystal ball I so I can see if this is even worth it?!

And then of course there's other stressors that throw themselves at you. Like how your apartment complex wouldn't give you any information until the last minute and now you have ONE WEEK to decide if you're going to renew your lease and you're IN THE MIDDLE OF FINALS and don't have TIME to look into new options!! Or there's things like thinking since you were 17 you had one diagnosis and now the doctor tells you there's something different and it needs urgent attention and (some PAINFUL) testing but you don't even have time to wash your hair that week! And then maybe there's something like increased church responsibilities or constant migraines begging you to stay in bed all day and stay as far away as possible from anything with the word "thioester" written in it. I feel like with all these things I have to do/try to comprehend it's like trying to get a brick to absorb a gallon of water-ain't gonna happen honey!.....and That's all the venting/complaining I have energy for right now. Whew...that was exhausting.

Today my dad called me. I don't know exactly what for because as soon as I picked up the phone I started crying and probably sounded something like eyaahhhhhhhhhh amnahaha afayineeeahahahh eyahhh primaseeeeeahahaha. So then he picked me up and we went out for some Mexican food for lunch. I casually mentioned something about wishing I was graduating this semester like I originally planned on [if you're new, this time last year I got meningitis, spent more time than anyone should have to tied to a hospital bed, and had to withdrawal from school which put me a semester behind]. Then he said, "yeah but you could have died." Wait, death. What's that? I can't think about anything that doesn't have to do with school, finals, standard deviations, or catabolic fatty oxidation. It got me thinking a little bit out of my bubble. I'm so stuck right now in the next 11 days. I forget that there are other things to life. I might not be the smartest book on the shelf (I think I just made up that expression) but at least I'm not a quitter. At least I hope not. I think I texted my mom 15 times in the last 24 hours that I'm dropping out of school...and I meant it the most I ever have...which is probably about 75%. THAT is something that's important- that I'm not going to give up. So then I tried to remind myself of the important things. Am I being honest to recieve my degree? Am I still devoting the proper time to Heavenly Father with prayer, scipture study, etc? I know this is really similar to this post, maybe that one is even better, but I felt it again, so I wrote it again. I know failure is a real, raw human emotion that we all deal with. Elder Uchtdorf's quote might sound familiar to you, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you" I think we can adapt that to say "Don't judge me because I fail differently than you" as well. Just try to remember what's important eternally. Failure is painful no matter what, but it helps ease the pain a little. For me at least. Who is still going to be my friend if I have to repeat all my classes?! woot woot!  Hope you guys are doing good. I miss you! Maybe I'll come back for real once finals are over!