Saturday, February 18, 2012

He cares.

I know I've talked a lot on here about my struggles with school and health and yadda yadda yadda. It might seem silly to 100% of you, but the truth is that it's been really hard for me. It's been an emotionally, physically draining battle to finish this last bit of school for me.
Recently I had 3 tests in one day. I woke up at 5am and didn't get to bed until midnight. Last week I slaved over a project I had a teacher yell at me for in front of my peers because it looked like I "put it together 5 minutes before class". I had been studying like crazy for my biochemistry test (which was one among that day I had 3 on) to get one of the worst grades I've gotten. ever. I don't even know if it's possible for me to bounce back from it. To put 110% effort in to be told over and over that it's not good enough? I don't care if I sound dramatic, it's plain depressing.
 Since coming back to school I've had serious problems with focus and comprehension. I don't know if it's because of the break I've had from school, or if it's because of the effects of meningitis on my brain, or just the generalized overwhelming stress.
 But I know that lately I just feel like I suck. And like I can't do it. I've spent just a few months shy of 4 years in school and too much money to count without making my stomach churn working towards this goal I've had for about a decade. To make it this far and not be able to finish? It's heartbreaking. Maybe you can't imagine what I feel like but maybe you can. It's like I had this talent with school. I mean I was never amazing at it. I never had a 4.0 and I always had to work really hard  (it always seemed harder than most) before but it was always at least sometime attainable. Now I feel like as soon as I try to stand up some huge giant is trying to push me down. Like seriously stupidgiant, can you let me just STAND  and walk around for 5 minutes?

Then last night I had a new thought. Unless you're new here, It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm a religious person (LDS) so I'm trying to think of what is important to God and what he cares about. Surprisingly, for the first time it occurred to me that Heavenly Father doesn't really care about how things come out on paper with school. He doesn't care if I get a C or if I have to take the class again. Even if I get an A, it's not like it's going to get me a better house in heaven or like I get to cut in line, figuratively speaking. What he does care about is how I handle the situations I am in. What do I do with the trials he gives me? He cares if I lose my patience because of the stress I am in. He cares that I work hard, that I put religious studies first, that I don't forget to pray, read my scriptures, and be a friend to others. He cares about how my trials affect the person I am, not the effect they have on the paper of mortality. He cares that I focus on the important things. He doesn't care that I can identify the zwitterion and find the isoeletric point. He wants me to work hard, to do my best, be kind, and let Him change me. I have faith that all things I go through are to mold me into the person HE knows I can become. I think this can apply to all trials

10 comments:

Annie said...

You're much better than me in the areas where it counts! I'm a perfect example of how I just whined and complained and felt like I can't do anything! Maybe I can't do anything to make the things I want to do come sooner but I can continue to prepare myself for those things so that when they do come, I'm ready. Thanks for sharing this.
It reminded me of this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQKR7MQwO4A

Heavenly Father want us to be just that- us, and continue to be perfected through him.

Brooke said...

These are amazing thoughts, and I can just tell that you're the type of girl who can get through anything.

Megan said...

I loved this post so much, Alexis. It brought tears to my eyes and was something I really needed to hear. I understand the feelings of working so so hard and not feeling like you have anything to show for it. My experience wasn't so much in grades (though I didn't get the best grades either even though I worked hard and had a baby to take care of... stressful time!) but in other life experiences. You said everything that I felt this last year of feeling forgotten and not understanding why this was happening. But unfortunately, I never had the realization that you had until much much MUCH later (too late really) about God testing us through our trials, not seeing what grades or praise we will come out with. I love how you said that and I really needed that reminder! It's easy to get caught up in grades and money and other things that count as success to us but really matters is what the Lord thinks and how we are able to get through it all. Thank you for sharing this message! I loved it so so much!

Lisa said...

Biochemistry was one of my worst grades too. Hope things get better for you.

katilda said...

i love this. and i remember the feelings so clearly from the last year or so of school. i kept thinking "i should be done! i should have better grades! should i have applied to grad school?? what the H am i going to do after i graduate??" looking back, i wish i had enjoyed more of the silly fun of college days and not worried so much....but i guess i will probably someday look back at my CURRENT life phase and think the same thing. Easier to see the sunshine from the other side, yes? in any case, hang in there! and for reals....nobody cares if you get a C. that doesn't go on your resume, earthly or otherwise. it's just a letter that some professor of some dubious level of intelligence handed to you in an entirely subjective matter which gave little concern to the 21434234395 other things going on in your life. (i had to learn that when i got a C in a family history class at BYU and felt like i failed some kind of calling in life. haha.)

Heidi said...

I just want you to know that I just found your blow and to me your struggles aren't silly at all and while we are different and I cannot say I know how you feel, know that I have been in similar situations and felts similarly. And biochemistry was something I hated (part of it was that I was doing so horribly and remember two on my friends loving the class, making me think they did well, leaving me wondering how I was doing so badly - I found out later that they both didn't do very well and one even didn't really like the class). Keep going. Use the eternal perspective and remember what you shared because it helps with such a variety of situations! :)

Megan said...

I love this...you are so right. All He cares about is that you are walking with Him and showing that in all that you do. Beautifully written. I'm saying a prayer for you!

Amy said...

You got this Alexis, you're almost done! Every semester I go through phases of freaking out, and Greg tells me I don't need to stress and I will do fine. I don't believe him, but when it's all over he's saying "I told you so!"

I liked what you said about putting the Lord first. If we do that, he'll make sure we get exactly what we need, even if it's not exactly what we wanted.

Chelsea said...

This gave me chills. I'm so sorry you're having a stressful semester. I hope you don't ever really consider giving up, because you really seem like such a talented and capable person. I am so impressed with all you know about proper diet and nutrition. And I am just sure that you are going to make a difference in a lot of lives. You are amazing, Alexis!

Tycee said...

That last paragraph gave me the chills reading it. You are such an awesome person Alexis!