I know I've talked a lot on here about my struggles with school and health and yadda yadda yadda. It might seem silly to 100% of you, but the truth is that it's been really hard for me. It's been an emotionally, physically draining battle to finish this last bit of school for me.
Recently I had 3 tests in one day. I woke up at 5am and didn't get to bed until midnight. Last week I slaved over a project I had a teacher yell at me for in front of my peers because it looked like I "put it together 5 minutes before class". I had been studying like crazy for my biochemistry test (which was one among that day I had 3 on) to get one of the worst grades I've gotten. ever. I don't even know if it's possible for me to bounce back from it. To put 110% effort in to be told over and over that it's not good enough? I don't care if I sound dramatic, it's plain depressing.
Since coming back to school I've had serious problems with focus and comprehension. I don't know if it's because of the break I've had from school, or if it's because of the effects of meningitis on my brain, or just the generalized overwhelming stress.
But I know that lately I just feel like I suck. And like I can't do it. I've spent just a few months shy of 4 years in school and too much money to count without making my stomach churn working towards this goal I've had for about a decade. To make it this far and not be able to finish? It's heartbreaking. Maybe you can't imagine what I feel like but maybe you can. It's like I had this talent with school. I mean I was never amazing at it. I never had a 4.0 and I always had to work really hard (it always seemed harder than most) before but it was always at least sometime attainable. Now I feel like as soon as I try to stand up some huge giant is trying to push me down. Like seriously stupidgiant, can you let me just STAND and walk around for 5 minutes?
Then last night I had a new thought. Unless you're new here, It shouldn't be a surprise that I'm a religious person (LDS) so I'm trying to think of what is important to God and what he cares about. Surprisingly, for the first time it occurred to me that Heavenly Father doesn't really care about how things come out on paper with school. He doesn't care if I get a C or if I have to take the class again. Even if I get an A, it's not like it's going to get me a better house in heaven or like I get to cut in line, figuratively speaking. What he does care about is how I handle the situations I am in. What do I do with the trials he gives me? He cares if I lose my patience because of the stress I am in. He cares that I work hard, that I put religious studies first, that I don't forget to pray, read my scriptures, and be a friend to others. He cares about how my trials affect the person I am, not the effect they have on the paper of mortality. He cares that I focus on the important things. He doesn't care that I can identify the zwitterion and find the isoeletric point. He wants me to work hard, to do my best, be kind, and let Him change me. I have faith that all things I go through are to mold me into the person HE knows I can become. I think this can apply to all trials