It's ALL about PROGRESS!

It has been so long since I have blogged. 

As a result, I have so many thoughts taking up my brain, it's on the brink of explosion.

This post is likely to come out as emotional vomit. 

Enter at your own risk!

Yesterday I had a really hard day, for no particular reason. I think I'm still working through some of the effects of PPD, which makes me more sensitive. 

I realized that the reason I was feeling so down is because I was letting comparison creep in.

Comparison is the thief of joy. We all know that. We have all seen it on Pinterest. Still, it's so hard to avoid. It creeps in like smoke; leave one crack open, it finds its way in.

Turns out there are a lot of people in the world who have more kids than I do. Many of them are well-intending strangers. I know they mean absolutely nothing negative, but the remarks I receive make me sad sometimes. Ones like:

Just wait til you have to go to the store with four kids. (Ainsley is currently mastering the whole tantrums-in-the-grocery-store thing)

Just wait until you have to take care of two more kids when you're baby is sick.

Just wait until you have to clean up after two toddlers!

Just wait until you have to keep up school schedules.

Just wait til you have seven mouths to feed!

Comparing lives or workloads, regardless of number of children, will always be impossible. For one thing you see and understand, there are 100 more you don't. Every life is different, every kid is different. It will always be like comparing apples to outer space. Only more different.

It's a little comical, but I feel like sometimes what people are really saying is, just wait until your life gets even more miserable and then you'll want to come back to now when you were only a little miserable.

(For the record, I'm not miserable. You know, just interpreting from grumpy ladies at the library/grocery store/gym/etc.)

I realize they have a point. I'm not naive enough to think that somehow being a mother gets easier the more children you have. Please, that's just crazy talk. 

I only mean to say that it's discouraging to me. I tend to feel that if I am overwhelmed with one, there's no way I could be fit, worthy even, to be a mother of two or three or four or nine! It makes me feel as if my life has less of a purpose because I'm only responsible for one little human. I feel that our culture has an obsession with doing more, being more, never doing enough. Although Mormon doctrine preaches simplicity, Mormon culture (people aren't perfect, ya know.) is not always an exception to the never doing enough business. As if being a stay-at-home mom for one is less respectable than staying home with three.

I will be honest, I think this way too sometimes. I think that if I'm only going to have one or two children, I better get a fancy job to make my life mean something. As if anything could have more meaning than raising even one soul. Christ himself taught us the value of one. The parable of the coins. If you lose just one, would you not search the whole house to find it? 

Several weeks ago I was really struggling with feeling like my life was worth much. I had a long drive ahead of me and a sleeping baby in the back seat. I started to pray out loud to Heavenly Father. Asking for guidance, comfort, love....anything! The feeling I received in return was unmistakable. He told me that as much as I love Ainsley, as much purpose as I think her life has, my life has at least that much value to Him. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it made sense to me. He knew how to make me understand. He knows how much I love Ainsley and how special I think she is. And He, our perfect Father, feels even more strongly about each of us. A lot of the things we spend time worrying about matter little in the long run. 

I recently purchased a whiteboard to keep on my fridge to organize meals, to-do lists, etc. 

At the top, I wrote in large letters, "It's ALL about PROGRESS!"

It gives me a lot of comfort. When I reflect back on my to-do list and realize I accomplished 3 of 26 things, I made progress. I made progress in raising my child, in helping her to be happy and healthy. I made progress in improving myself. I made progress. Some days more than others.

 I want to be a lot of things that quite frankly, I'm not; but I am making progress. 

It matters a lot more where we are going than where we are right now.

I don't know if I will ever be the person I want to be, but that's what life is all about. Progress. Just keep on keeping on!

Just a Little Bit Better

Having a kid is all kinds of wonderful.

It's magic.

It's beautiful. 

Motherhood, on the other hand, is sometimes zero of those things.

I had a really challenging mom day. 

I felt like my judgement and intentions as a mother were questioned. 

(for those of you who saw my Facebook status about my doctor suggesting I ween Ainsley off breast milk and give her chocolate milk instead, that was only a small portion.)

I'm in dire need of a pick me up, and although doing some yoga helped, I need more. 

I thought I'd share my New Year's Resolutions with you.

I love the idea of sharing New Year's resolutions with others. 

It holds you more accountable, often yields support for your goals, and it's just plain fun. 

I've always loved goal setting. I've had a hard year and grown a lot and the opportunity that lies within a new year excites me to the core. 

2014 has been a great year already.

Let's get down to business. 

First goal: Read one book a month. 

I'm almost finished with Heaven is Here, by Stephanie Nielson. It's my ideal book. It's real, uplifting, and well written (if you have suggestions of similar books, please share them!). 

Some books I hope to read soon; both the Duggar books, the Elizabeth Smart books, The Fault in Our Stars, The Happiness Project, Master your Metabolism, I am a Mother, and Yearning for the Living God. I would love more suggestions. 

In Addition to reading a book a month, I'm also reading Deliberate Motherhood and trying to follow the plan. You work on one principle a month to become a better mother. I would love anyone who would like to join me. This month's principle is acceptance. 

Additionally, I'm reading the Book of Mormon again this year. Clint and I are reading the New Testament together, so this will be my individual study. I've struggled with finding a routine to study the scriptures, and I heard about bofm365 on instagram. They tell you what verses to read every day to complete the book by the end of the year as well as ask thought provoking questions and start discussions. If you're interested in doing this, I highly recommend following them and getting on this program. It's totally manageable. Perfect for a mom. 

Next, work out 3-5 times a week. I strive to get on the higher side, but I wanted a goal that felt manageable even on the busiest week. I have been really wanting a gym membership for a long time, but we can't afford it right now. For now, I'm working out from home. If you want your trash kicked, Ripped in 30 by Jillian Michaels will do that. I do 30 day shred on the challenging but not as intense days, and I also enjoy yoga. I'm wanting to start to implement short yoga sequences in the morning in addition to my evening workouts. I also am striving to be more active in general. Taking Ainsley out, playing at the park, walking whenever possible, etc. I want to be my best self, and part of that is being healthy. 

I also wanted to learn to make bread. This might seem counterproductive to the above goal, but it's not. I just want the skill of being able to bake bread. It's significantly cheaper, and can be good for you too. This week I made bread with almond milk and whole wheat organic flour which was delicious with our vegetable soup. I've never been able to get my dough to rise, and now I think I might even be ready to check this off my list!

I want to learn to sew as well. I think this has been a resolution for the last two years! My sweet mother in law bought me a sewing machine for Christmas which will surely accelerate the process. Life has been crazy since Christmas but I look forward to whipping it out soon! (tips for beginners are welcome!)

Run a race. I ran Pat's Run (4.2 miles) two years ago and it felt like such an accomplishment. Now, I'm not a runner, which is why I have this goal. I actually kind of hate running, but that's the point. I want to push myself. Get out of my comfort zone. That being said, I'm not training for a marathon here. Maybe a 10K? That might be giving me too much credit... ha!

Blog a recipe once a month. I recently posted my recipe for lasagna spaghetti squash. This helps me tremendously because I am constantly forgetting recipes I come up with and hopefully this will be fun for you as well! Plus, let's be real. I could use the practice. My food pictures kind of suck. A lot. 

Blog once a week. Oh, look at me, working on a resolution right now! But really. I've missed blogging a lot lately. It's something I can't do with Ainsley around (she freaks out when I'm on the computer and tries to pull everything down) but it's still something I want to make time for now and then. 

Journal weekly. In the interest of keeping it real, I haven't done this once this year. I stink at journaling, but I also think it's super important. Someone needs to do this with me so we can remind each other every week!! Or maybe I just need to suck it up and get my butt in gear. 

Lose 10 pounds. I would like to lose more, but I've had a hellish time trying to lose my baby weight so I'm trying to be realistic. I've seen two different doctors who were convinced I'm having thyroid issues but when that test came back normal, I'm hoping we can look at other possibilities. While I'm being honest, it's been depressing. I've had a really hard time accepting my new fluffy body, but I'm working on it. Please don't judge me. I'm working my butt off every day! Also, I really believe having a healthy lifestyle matters much more than your weight.

Organize! This is hard to put into a specific goal, but I just want to be more organized in general. Clint and I have already tackled the project of our hall closet so now we can move onto other areas. I rather scrub a toilet than put things away, but unfortunately that's not an option. It does feel good to be organized, and I'm trying to be more like the person I want to be. 

I recently watched a TEDtalks (they're the best. Google them if you don't know what they are) and one speaker said that will power is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets. It's hard to follow through with resolutions. The exciting, motivating spirit that you make the goal with fades, and you have to exercise even more willpower to follow through. But that's who I want to be. I want to be dedicated. I want to get things done. I want to be my better self. 

Let's make 2014 our best year yet! 

The thing about being a mom is...

Remember this post when I wrote about how insanely happy I am and how much I just love life right now?
I really did 100% mean it.
But...there's another side too.

It's really hard.

Mostly emotionally.

I don't know if everyone goes through this, but the adjustment, while I've been loving it, has been difficult for me. First, I still feel like my emotions/hormones are working on "normalizing." Having a baby kind of throws your body through a loop. I'm not used to feeling like this.

Aside from that, it's an entire new life I'm working on adjusitng too. I'm used to a really productive, social, and busy life. Work, school, church, everything else. Now it's pretty much just me and my little monkey.

I'm a huge list person. I get probably too much satisfaction from checking things off of my to-do list. I'm realizing how much I measure my daily self-worth by what I check off of my list. Before it wasn't uncommon for me to have 20 things on my to-do list. I loved checking off things like write research paper, do the dishes, go running, go to work, write lab report, go to presidency meeting, etc. It's hard now that my imaginary to-do list (as in I don't actually write it) consists of changing 20 diapers, 15 feedings, 2 outfit changes, and maybe going on a walk or doing the dishes. I feel like I'm doing so much but getting nothing done. Like a rat stuck running in a wheel. It's an odd feeling.

Considering how this little life form is basically attached to me 24/7, I've given up all independance. I hadn't realized how independent I am. I'm very social, but I'm still an introvert who highly values alone time. Now, I'm mentally scheduling my bathroom breaks around the best times in the day to lay her down.

My life has forever changed. Whenever I make decisions now, I have to think about how it'll effect Ainsley. For example, if I hadn't been blessed with her at this time, I would probably be doing my master's this Fall. It's a different mentality to adjust to, this motherhood business.

I really do love being a mom and I really am happy. It's still a huge adjustment I'm working on every day.

Looks like I'm not the only one adjusting ;)

If only I could master this skill....

I beat myself up a little too much. 

Basically, I'm a human being. 

Yesterday I gathered all my strength and dragged myself to church. Let me tell you, it was tough. My church is 3 hours long. In relief society (the last block where it's just the adult women), the teacher shared an incredible story! 

Drops of Awesome 

You all should read it now. If I could learn to master this skill, my happiness factor would be through the roof! 

Resolutions that stick

I think this was 39 weeks and 2 days. Basically, my belly is taking over. I can't believe how big it has gotten. Stop growing and come out baby girl!

Today I want to write out some resolutions. Last year I did this and it really helped! I even accomplished most of them. Resolutions, for me, aren't something I keep up for a few weeks or so. I start them to finish them! I'm so ready to start 2013! 

1) Have a baby. This is pretty much going to happen no matter what some way or another, but seeing as how it's kind of a big deal, I'd say it's deserving of the resolutions list. 

2) Lose the baby weight. I'm so ready to have my normal body back. The last few weeks I've looked over some old pictures and marveled at how skinny I was. The truth is, I wasn't really skinny but compared to now, I was! I'm really looking forward to having ankles. and a waist. ahhhhhhh. 

3) Organize!!! When we moved into our place I was crazy sick and pregnant while trying to keep up with a little bit of school and work. Clint was working full time and taking care of his sick wife (awh). So our place never really got organized. Specifically, I want to organize our pantry, bathroom cabinet, make up area, desk,  and utility closet. 

4) Work on Learning Spanish. I've already started this one. I got one of those CDs that you learn a language while you drive from my nice in-laws for Christmas. It's pretty cool. And a bonus- Clint loves it. He's fluent in Spanish so he'd love me to speak to him in it and it's something I've always wanted to do as soon as I finished school. 

5) Write in my journal at least once a week. I have a feeling I'm going to grow a lot in this year. I think it's so important to write down your experiences to help you learn and reflect back. I found an awesome website (www.ldsjournal.com) and you just login from whatever computer and write your entry. You can even add pictures. You don't have to worry about losing the document or book AND you can get it printed and bound whenever you want! It's perfect! 

I have a lot of things I want to do in general as well. For one, I want to be the best mom in the whole world to my sweet little girl. I want to continue to learn something new every day. I want to cook more and eat healthier. I want to keep a clean, organized, and well run house. I want to be the best wife to my rockstar husband. I want to be better at studying my scriptures. I just want to become a little better every day. 

I am so excited for this year! Being done with school and having a baby within the next few days, I feel like I'm starting a whole new life and I couldn't be more thrilled! 

(our goofy picture from New Years Eve)

Happy 2013 friends! 

I'm done.

I'm done. So totally completely 100% done. 

I honestly can't believe it. 

I can't wrap my head around-

no more homework

no more tests

no more nice teachers

no more frustrating teachers

no more paying tuition

no more making study friends

no more trekking across campus with a billion books

no more scantrons?! 

Basically, it doesn't feel real. 

I can't believe I'm done with college forever. 

(that is until I do my masters which will happen at some point)

Every once in awhile when I think about walking across that stage at graduation and getting my diploma, it sinks in just a little bit and I get teary eyed. Half because I'm so proud of myself and I can't believe I'm done, and half because I'm sad it's over. Aside from the stressful deadlines and tricky teachers, I've really enjoyed college. I really enjoy learning in general (and I don't plan to stop now). I really am so grateful for everything that made it possible for me to finish school. Obviously, all my blessings came from above. The fact that the Summer I graduated from high school I was able to work two jobs (often 12+ hour days) and save up enough to pay for my first semester's tuition and fees all on my own. I'm thankful for the amazing friends/study partners I've made that have made school so much more enjoyable and doable. I'm grateful for my mom who, during my first semester of college when I got a C in general chemistry, wouldn't let me give up and change my major to something "easier." At the time if you had told me I would get an A+ in organic chemistry, I would have told you you were insane. I'm grateful for a sweet husband who encouraged me to accomplish this huge goal. I'm grateful for the encouragement he gave me during all those late night crying fits when I thought for sure this was totally impossible. I'm so grateful that my body cooperated enough that I was able to finish my last semester pregnant. At graduation I will be 37 weeks and 5 days!  I'm grateful for the tutors and teachers who helped me when I needed it. I'm grateful that we have been blessed financially to be able to pay for school. 

I get to toot my own horn a little bit too right? Because I'm really grateful I never gave up on myself. I'm proud of myself for following through and accomplishing something I was sure was impossible at least a thousand times. 

Basically, accomplishing goals feels really really great. Especially when they're hard to do. 

Kids or Careers

Hi friends! It's been so long. First, I haven't posted on here in forever because my blog has run out of space and I can't upload any pictures! I need to fix that. Second, I've been so crazy busy. Basically, it's a really good day if my hair and clothes are clean. You should see our apartment. Did you know that there's only 3 weeks left until graduation? 5 weeks left until my due date. Life is about to get crazy!

[to understand what I'm talking about below, you should know that after you get a dietetics degree, you still have to do an internship for about a year and pass an exam before you can be certified. The internship is basically another year of school on steroids. The tuition is expensive. It demands a lot. Usually minimum 40 hours. You do rotations in clinical (hospitals), public health, nutrition management, etc. Compared to what you can do with the RD certification, your options are pretty limited without it.]

That's what I wanted to talk about today. I just attended a meeting held by the internship director at ASU. To be honest, I'm feeling a little bit hopeless. I had a plan after graduation. Apply for part time local internships that will start the Fall of 2013. I'd stay home with Ainsley until she was about 8 months old, and then we'd work childcare between family, close friends, and my husband while I did my internship part time. Still not knowing if this is what would happen, at least having a plan gave me comfort. 

Until today. 

I learned that I can't get into the part time internship I was hoping for without working full time for one year, OR, of course I could do the full time options. The full time part is the part that makes my heart sink. The thought of working full time and leaving my baby for so much time makes me want to cry. I want to be able to be a full time mommy and a part time dietitian. I always want my family to come first. I feel good about my goal of getting my internship and having a career. I don't think there's anything wrong with moms working. In fact, I think it's a great thing! As long as the children don't suffer, of course. It's good to be well rounded.

But I'm so confused. I feel so strongly about getting my certification and working, but it doesn't seem like it's possible. I know the most important thing I'll do in life, besides being a wife, is to be a mother. I want with all my heart to be the best mom ever! But does that mean pursuing goals in other areas of my life means I'm sacrificing my family? I don't think so...but where's the balance??

Do I put my sweet baby in daycare full time for 10 months to get my certification that will open a lot of doors for our family in the future? That doesn't feel right...but neither does giving up. Women, we have a tricky balance to find, don't we?

Judging

The other day at work someone was really rude and disrespectful to me.

I was upset.

I sat at my desk just stewing about it.

I ran through the conversation over and over and mentally picked out all the rude things they were saying, how they were wrong, how I deserved an apology, how they don't have the right to talk to me like that, you know- the usual.

I realized I didn't like feeling this way.

It's a gross feeling and I wanted it gone.

I pulled up this conference talk and read it over and over.

It made me feel a lot better.

"I imagine that every person on earth has been affected in some way by the destructive spirit of contention, resentment, and revenge. Perhaps there are even times when we recognize this spirit in ourselves. When we feel hurt, angry, or envious, it is quite easy to judge other people, often assigning dark motives to their actions in order to justify our own feelings of resentment."

Isn't that so true?!

I think I need to read this talk every day. It's human nature to judge and it's really hard to resist, especially when you're upset. Even if it's just deciding the person driving in front of you who took 20 minutes to make their turn is the most inconsiderate and slow jerk who doesn't know how to drive, is not okay.

Any negative judgment, no matter how wrong the other person is, is never right.

"Of course, we know this is wrong. The doctrine is clear. We all depend on the Savior; none of us can be saved without Him. Christ’s Atonement is infinite and eternal. Forgiveness for our sins comes with conditions. We must repent, and we must be willing to forgive others. Jesus taught: “Forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not … [stands] condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin” and “Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.”

Of course, these words seem perfectly reasonable—when applied to someone else. We can so clearly and easily see the harmful results that come when others judge and hold grudges. And we certainly don’t like it when people judge us.

But when it comes to our own prejudices and grievances, we too often justify our anger as righteous and our judgment as reliable and only appropriate. Though we cannot look into another’s heart, we assume that we know a bad motive or even a bad person when we see one. We make exceptions when it comes to our own bitterness because we feel that, in our case, we have all the information we need to hold someone else in contempt."

It's hard. It's hard to remember to always have our actions reflect our belief in Christ. There are lots of people in life who will do things to us to make our blood boil, and then there will be others that we just flat out don't get along with. We still have to remember the love God has for them and we should too.

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters.

Jesus said it is easy to love those who love us; even the wicked can do that. But Jesus Christ taught a higher law. His words echo through the centuries and are meant for us today. They are meant for all who desire to be His disciples. They are meant for you and me: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”

When our hearts are filled with the love of God, we become “kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving [each other], even as God for Christ’s sake [forgave us].”

I highly recommend reading the talk in its entirety. It's amazing. 

 It's ironic that when we judge others, putting them below us, it makes us less happy. It's way better to look for the good in others. Some times, people make it hard, but don't give up, haha! It's really really really really hard to not judge others and to always act out of love and I'm grateful for the much needed reminder in my life!

If you can call it that.

Today was the first day of my last semester of school. 

In other words, it was the first day of school, if you can call it that. 

Lets start at the beginning. Clint woke me up shaking me and singing and shouting something like, "GOOD MORNING!" Then I shouted something back like, "AHHH TOO MUCH NOISE! LET THE BEAR SLEEP!"

I finally got up and threw on some somewhat presentable clothes and drove to the light rail station. Holy cow. There were some extremely hygenically compromised individuals on there this morning. There was some serious mouth breathing going on, but then of course I could taste it which didn't help to sooth my preggoed ego self. As soon as they got off everyone on the train took a big breath of acceptable air. Then we all laughed. Nothing brings people together like surviving the great stench of 2012 together. 

Then I went to my first class. It's about the biochemical aspect of nutrition and I was super excited to get started. Only, the teacher never showed up so we waited for him for half an hour and then left. 

Then I went to the bookstore to look at all those insanely overpriced books to see if I could stomach shelling out my hard earned dolla billz for them. It didn't work. 

Then I went back to the light rail station to head home. Even though I hate commuting over an hour to school (especially when the professor doesn't show up and especially when it's just for one class!) I really love the downtown aspect. It's so exciting to me. I love the tall buildings, but mostly I love the architecture of the older buildings. 

1) isn't downtown beautiful? 2) my feet are disappearing 3) my transportation for the next 4 months 

So, it was pretty fun. I came home and ate two sandwiches and didn't even feel bad about it. I'm debating if I should include the part where I ate two cookies too.

 Now it's off to work. I'm already exhausted and it's only the first day AND I'm not even half way through the day. But I just want to say that I am so happy to be back in school. I'm so grateful for for the opportunity I HAVE to go to school. I know it might be cheesy, but I love that in America we can decide to be anything we want and the only thing that can hold us back is ourselves! Yeah, Pursuit of Happyness is one of my favorite movies :) By the way, I know how to spell happiness. That's how they spell it in the movie right? Anyway, I love pushing yourself to learn more and be more and seeing it come to fruition. I don't count myself as one of the smartest cats on the street, but I'm really proud of what I've done in school so far. When I started I would have never guessed I'd be able to get an A+ in organic chemistry! I'm really looking forward to this semester. 

Hope your day is as glamorous and interesting ;) as mine