Toddlers, Tantrums, and Trying.

If you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do.

A couple weeks ago I went with a friend and her baby (Ainsley's age) to the zoo.

Ainsley is little miss independent lately and if she's not allowed to do whatever she wants (which is usually just to run free and explore which often translates into destroying stuff or getting all up in people's bidness-she's really good at that), she throws a major tantrum. At the zoo she wanted to run and explore, of course, but I'm trying to teach her that she needs to be obedient and stay by me. My rules are that she needs to listen and stay close, hold my hand, or sit in the stroller. She was running away from me, almost getting run over by strollers and trampled by herds of first graders, and going behind the allowed line of the exhibits. She wouldn't hold my hand or stay close, so I had to strap her into the stroller. She flailed and fought me and screamed, but I eventually got her buckled into the stroller (thank goodness for 5-point harnesses...which she often still wiggles out of). She still hasn't stopped screaming bloody murder. A zoo keeper came up to me and asked me if I would leave until she could be quiet because she was upsetting the chimps. That happened. She was upsetting MONKIES. In a ZOO. My child is too crazy to be at a GOSH DARN ZOO.

I realize now that this is funny, maybe a story to discuss at family reunions; but at the time, it was anything but that. 

I have a million stories like this. Just last week she almost knocked a stack of sparkling champagne GLASS bottles onto the floor. I feel like I can't control my child and that makes me feel like a failure of a mom. Every outing lately involves several tantrums. I get so discouraged because I don't know how long it's going to take her to learn, and how much more of it I can handle! I am consistent and calm, the two things every article and experienced mother suggests, but I don't seem to be making any improvement. She is at a very frustrating age because she has very strong opinions, but doesn't understand much direction. I try. My heavens, do I try! But so far, it hasn't made a difference. 

Of course it's important to teach your kids correct behavior and to discipline them.

However, I think we sometimes forget that teaching them to be themselves and to cultivate their strengths is equally important. It might not be socially acceptable for Ainsley to tap on the people in the booth behind us and start talking to them (which is usually fine until you get a grumpy Gus), but I feel that that's a big part of her personality. I want to teach her that it's important to give other people space, but I don't want to take away the huge aspect of her personality that is that little outgoing, spit fire, social butterfly that I love so much!

Is it wrong for Ainsley to want to explore and be independent? Of course not! Those traits will serve her well later in life! I'm not meant to change her, just to teach her proper boundaries. It's harder said than done, but when we remember that our job isn't to change the core of our kids, it gives us a little more perspective. First and foremost, love them. Second, teach.

So much of the "acting out" kids do, is them exploring their world and learning what is acceptable and what isn't. Ainsley hasn't learned that it's okay for her to run and be crazy at the park, but not at the grocery store. She's been on earth for eighteen months for goodness sake! She's just starting out. Every second is a learning experience for her. Oh, I wonder what will happen when I throw this carton of eggs out of the cart.

I think we are also often harder on children than we are on other adults and especially ourselves. Sometimes we give adults more of a benefit of the doubt than we give to our own children. That mother at the grocery store cut us off on accident because she was overwhelmed and distracted but oh, my child threw a temper tantrum because they are a brat down to the core! Children are learning all about emotions. To them, a broken cracker really is a tragedy when they were expecting a whole cracker. They don't yet know constructive ways to express their emotions. It's our job to teach them, but I'm learning that this is a slowwww process. They feel angry, so they scream and hit. Heck, I want to do that when I'm angry! It takes a lot of self control and that's something that takes time for those little people to learn. It's important not to invalidate their feelings. If I told Clint I was upset because I went to make dinner and we were all out of an important ingredient, I wouldn't want him to tell me to get over it. That doesn't help either of us. Emotions aren't inappropriate, they just need to be expressed and handled appropriately. 

It's also so impossible to compare children. I'll admit, sometimes I feel like I have the worst behaved child. I will go out with other friends and their kids won't make a peep while Ainsley, in the mean time, is throwing her tenth tantrum and I'm trying my best to ignore her and not burst into tears. I was talking to a friend the other day who said she went home after a play date with us and told her husband she was worried that she was raising a bully! I didn't think a second of it because I was worried I was raising a defiant drama queen! Ainsley has never been a hitter, but my, does she throw a fantastical temper tantrum. Different kids struggle with different things at different times. Do some kids just come harder than others? Absolutely. I think so. But that's not a reflection on your capability as a mother or their worth as a child of God. This life is hard and you're only going to make things harder on yourself if you waste your time comparing.

(Although my kids is definitely better than yours at climbing up a stack of diapers while her mom's back is turned for 3 seconds. Just throwing it out there.)

I certainly have my work cut out for me with this one. 

She challenges me every day. No, every second. But I love her more than words can say. I take comfort in knowing that I can have Heavenly Father's guidance on how to raise this precious daughter of his. 

Do the best you can through these years, but whatever else you do, cherish that role that is so uniquely yours and for which heaven itself sends angels to watch over you and your little ones.

-Jeffry R Holland, Because she is a Mother 

(oh, you thought I was done quoting that talk? NEVER!)

Serving God Through Motherhood

Maybe I'm just a little too feminist (whatever that word means these days), but being a stay-at-home mom often feels more like being a slave than feeling like a divine gift from our Heavenly Father. 

I'm constantly picking up after others, scrubbing toilets, making meals, cleaning up meals, grocery shopping, washing dishes, mopping....whatever maids do, I do it too. All day. And then some. The worst part is that it never ends. There's always more to do and there are always so many ways that I'm not doing enough. My child doesn't know enough, my house isn't clean enough or organized enough of pinteresty enough, I'm not patient enough, my house isn't cute enough, I'm not cute enough...(I could go on for days here, people!).

I feel like a broken record saying this again, but it's hard for me to feel important as a homemaker. 

A few weeks ago I was reading in my scriptures and stumbled onto this: 

 And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God. (Mosiah 2:17)

So, there you have it! By serving those in my home, I am serving my Heavenly Father! What could be more important than that? 

That stack of dishes doesn't look quite so bad anymore. 

It's ALL about PROGRESS!

It has been so long since I have blogged. 

As a result, I have so many thoughts taking up my brain, it's on the brink of explosion.

This post is likely to come out as emotional vomit. 

Enter at your own risk!

Yesterday I had a really hard day, for no particular reason. I think I'm still working through some of the effects of PPD, which makes me more sensitive. 

I realized that the reason I was feeling so down is because I was letting comparison creep in.

Comparison is the thief of joy. We all know that. We have all seen it on Pinterest. Still, it's so hard to avoid. It creeps in like smoke; leave one crack open, it finds its way in.

Turns out there are a lot of people in the world who have more kids than I do. Many of them are well-intending strangers. I know they mean absolutely nothing negative, but the remarks I receive make me sad sometimes. Ones like:

Just wait til you have to go to the store with four kids. (Ainsley is currently mastering the whole tantrums-in-the-grocery-store thing)

Just wait until you have to take care of two more kids when you're baby is sick.

Just wait until you have to clean up after two toddlers!

Just wait until you have to keep up school schedules.

Just wait til you have seven mouths to feed!

Comparing lives or workloads, regardless of number of children, will always be impossible. For one thing you see and understand, there are 100 more you don't. Every life is different, every kid is different. It will always be like comparing apples to outer space. Only more different.

It's a little comical, but I feel like sometimes what people are really saying is, just wait until your life gets even more miserable and then you'll want to come back to now when you were only a little miserable.

(For the record, I'm not miserable. You know, just interpreting from grumpy ladies at the library/grocery store/gym/etc.)

I realize they have a point. I'm not naive enough to think that somehow being a mother gets easier the more children you have. Please, that's just crazy talk. 

I only mean to say that it's discouraging to me. I tend to feel that if I am overwhelmed with one, there's no way I could be fit, worthy even, to be a mother of two or three or four or nine! It makes me feel as if my life has less of a purpose because I'm only responsible for one little human. I feel that our culture has an obsession with doing more, being more, never doing enough. Although Mormon doctrine preaches simplicity, Mormon culture (people aren't perfect, ya know.) is not always an exception to the never doing enough business. As if being a stay-at-home mom for one is less respectable than staying home with three.

I will be honest, I think this way too sometimes. I think that if I'm only going to have one or two children, I better get a fancy job to make my life mean something. As if anything could have more meaning than raising even one soul. Christ himself taught us the value of one. The parable of the coins. If you lose just one, would you not search the whole house to find it? 

Several weeks ago I was really struggling with feeling like my life was worth much. I had a long drive ahead of me and a sleeping baby in the back seat. I started to pray out loud to Heavenly Father. Asking for guidance, comfort, love....anything! The feeling I received in return was unmistakable. He told me that as much as I love Ainsley, as much purpose as I think her life has, my life has at least that much value to Him. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it made sense to me. He knew how to make me understand. He knows how much I love Ainsley and how special I think she is. And He, our perfect Father, feels even more strongly about each of us. A lot of the things we spend time worrying about matter little in the long run. 

I recently purchased a whiteboard to keep on my fridge to organize meals, to-do lists, etc. 

At the top, I wrote in large letters, "It's ALL about PROGRESS!"

It gives me a lot of comfort. When I reflect back on my to-do list and realize I accomplished 3 of 26 things, I made progress. I made progress in raising my child, in helping her to be happy and healthy. I made progress in improving myself. I made progress. Some days more than others.

 I want to be a lot of things that quite frankly, I'm not; but I am making progress. 

It matters a lot more where we are going than where we are right now.

I don't know if I will ever be the person I want to be, but that's what life is all about. Progress. Just keep on keeping on!

Celebrating the Small Victories

The hardest thing about being a stay at home mom, for me, is the lack of a sense of accomplishment.

 I really do love being a mom. And I’m 167% in love with Ainsley, but sometimes I feel like a hamster stuck in a wheel. Laundry, pick up toys, fix dinner, wipe boogies, pick up toys, wipe bums, read stories, dishes, dishes, dishes, pick up toys, bath time, sweep, re-roll the toilet paper, put all the dishes back in the cabinet, groceries, laundry, bath time, dishes, diaper duty, dead guy duty (okay so I threw that last one in…NachOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). It is hard to see the difference our day to day efforts make in the lives of our kids and husband…the world even!

Today I had a proud moment and since they happen so rarely, it’s worth celebrating. I had picked Ainsley up after I taught a dance class and it was getting close to dinner time. We needed a few more things for dinner, so I took her to the farmer’s market. She went crazy. She wanted everything. Strawberries, tangerines, bell pepper, zucchini. She wanted the food so bad she even emptied a whole clamshell of strawberries onto the nasty floor before I could stop her. At first I was frustrated because I’m having such a hard time running errands with her lately… she’s a tiny, adorable, powerful hurricane…but then I realized how awesome it was that she wanted to eat all of those fruits and veggies! She knows what real food is and very, very rarely eats anything that comes in a package. I taught her that. This may be a small contribution I make to her health and her knowledge of food and her relationship with food that will last her through her life, but it’s a contribution. A small victory worth celebrating. Helping her to be just a little bit better.

As I was telling Clint about this experience, he reminded me of a few of the other victories I have had as a mother. One of the biggest things he has seen is Ainsley’s love of reading. I have taught Ainsley to love to read. I started reading to her before she could even hold her head up. Now, it’s her favorite thing to do. She brings me books to read her ALL the time. If it weren't so darn cute, it would be terribly inconvenient. I literally have every single one of her board books memorized. Yesterday she brought me a book while I was cooking dinner, so of course I had to stop what I was doing, plop onto the kitchen floor, and spend some quality time with Dr. Seuss. Today while I was using the restroom, she brought a book in to me. So we read it right then. I’m still laughing about her toddling to bring me a book a hundred times throughout the day. I feel like it’s an important thing to do for your kids. 

She also starting saying “thank you” whenever I hand her something. I've taught her some manners. Yay! Maybe that will counteract her constant “no!”s and scowling!

So, they’re small victories, but I’m changing my corner of the world one day at a time!

I think we’re quick to acknowledge our less-than-ideal moments

Like hey, I haven’t cooked dinner in a week.

My kid ate poop today.

I went outside without pants on.

My kid screamed so loud in Walmart, all the high classers over at Target could hear him.

I’m so sleep deprived, I forgot my address.

I haven't worn pants with a zipper for the entire month of February.

My child emptied a brand new box of cheerios into the heater vent.

I think we should share these moments too. I mean, come on, they’re hilarious. But I think it’s warranted to give ourselves credit every now and then too. Because seriously, you're amazing! 

I know I’ve shared the talk, “Because She is a Mother,” by Elder Holland a hundred times on here, but I love it and think of it so often. When I get discouraged I hear his powerful voice say to me, “You are doing terrifically well,” or “no one has failed who keeps trying.”

So, you go momma bear! You are doing terrifically well! 

Just a Little Bit Better

Having a kid is all kinds of wonderful.

It's magic.

It's beautiful. 

Motherhood, on the other hand, is sometimes zero of those things.

I had a really challenging mom day. 

I felt like my judgement and intentions as a mother were questioned. 

(for those of you who saw my Facebook status about my doctor suggesting I ween Ainsley off breast milk and give her chocolate milk instead, that was only a small portion.)

I'm in dire need of a pick me up, and although doing some yoga helped, I need more. 

I thought I'd share my New Year's Resolutions with you.

I love the idea of sharing New Year's resolutions with others. 

It holds you more accountable, often yields support for your goals, and it's just plain fun. 

I've always loved goal setting. I've had a hard year and grown a lot and the opportunity that lies within a new year excites me to the core. 

2014 has been a great year already.

Let's get down to business. 

First goal: Read one book a month. 

I'm almost finished with Heaven is Here, by Stephanie Nielson. It's my ideal book. It's real, uplifting, and well written (if you have suggestions of similar books, please share them!). 

Some books I hope to read soon; both the Duggar books, the Elizabeth Smart books, The Fault in Our Stars, The Happiness Project, Master your Metabolism, I am a Mother, and Yearning for the Living God. I would love more suggestions. 

In Addition to reading a book a month, I'm also reading Deliberate Motherhood and trying to follow the plan. You work on one principle a month to become a better mother. I would love anyone who would like to join me. This month's principle is acceptance. 

Additionally, I'm reading the Book of Mormon again this year. Clint and I are reading the New Testament together, so this will be my individual study. I've struggled with finding a routine to study the scriptures, and I heard about bofm365 on instagram. They tell you what verses to read every day to complete the book by the end of the year as well as ask thought provoking questions and start discussions. If you're interested in doing this, I highly recommend following them and getting on this program. It's totally manageable. Perfect for a mom. 

Next, work out 3-5 times a week. I strive to get on the higher side, but I wanted a goal that felt manageable even on the busiest week. I have been really wanting a gym membership for a long time, but we can't afford it right now. For now, I'm working out from home. If you want your trash kicked, Ripped in 30 by Jillian Michaels will do that. I do 30 day shred on the challenging but not as intense days, and I also enjoy yoga. I'm wanting to start to implement short yoga sequences in the morning in addition to my evening workouts. I also am striving to be more active in general. Taking Ainsley out, playing at the park, walking whenever possible, etc. I want to be my best self, and part of that is being healthy. 

I also wanted to learn to make bread. This might seem counterproductive to the above goal, but it's not. I just want the skill of being able to bake bread. It's significantly cheaper, and can be good for you too. This week I made bread with almond milk and whole wheat organic flour which was delicious with our vegetable soup. I've never been able to get my dough to rise, and now I think I might even be ready to check this off my list!

I want to learn to sew as well. I think this has been a resolution for the last two years! My sweet mother in law bought me a sewing machine for Christmas which will surely accelerate the process. Life has been crazy since Christmas but I look forward to whipping it out soon! (tips for beginners are welcome!)

Run a race. I ran Pat's Run (4.2 miles) two years ago and it felt like such an accomplishment. Now, I'm not a runner, which is why I have this goal. I actually kind of hate running, but that's the point. I want to push myself. Get out of my comfort zone. That being said, I'm not training for a marathon here. Maybe a 10K? That might be giving me too much credit... ha!

Blog a recipe once a month. I recently posted my recipe for lasagna spaghetti squash. This helps me tremendously because I am constantly forgetting recipes I come up with and hopefully this will be fun for you as well! Plus, let's be real. I could use the practice. My food pictures kind of suck. A lot. 

Blog once a week. Oh, look at me, working on a resolution right now! But really. I've missed blogging a lot lately. It's something I can't do with Ainsley around (she freaks out when I'm on the computer and tries to pull everything down) but it's still something I want to make time for now and then. 

Journal weekly. In the interest of keeping it real, I haven't done this once this year. I stink at journaling, but I also think it's super important. Someone needs to do this with me so we can remind each other every week!! Or maybe I just need to suck it up and get my butt in gear. 

Lose 10 pounds. I would like to lose more, but I've had a hellish time trying to lose my baby weight so I'm trying to be realistic. I've seen two different doctors who were convinced I'm having thyroid issues but when that test came back normal, I'm hoping we can look at other possibilities. While I'm being honest, it's been depressing. I've had a really hard time accepting my new fluffy body, but I'm working on it. Please don't judge me. I'm working my butt off every day! Also, I really believe having a healthy lifestyle matters much more than your weight.

Organize! This is hard to put into a specific goal, but I just want to be more organized in general. Clint and I have already tackled the project of our hall closet so now we can move onto other areas. I rather scrub a toilet than put things away, but unfortunately that's not an option. It does feel good to be organized, and I'm trying to be more like the person I want to be. 

I recently watched a TEDtalks (they're the best. Google them if you don't know what they are) and one speaker said that will power is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets. It's hard to follow through with resolutions. The exciting, motivating spirit that you make the goal with fades, and you have to exercise even more willpower to follow through. But that's who I want to be. I want to be dedicated. I want to get things done. I want to be my better self. 

Let's make 2014 our best year yet! 

The Myth of Being "Just a Mom"

(This post is all over the place so be warned that you're in for a bumpy ride!)

I've never wanted to be just a mom. 

I know a lot of people find the phrase, "just a mom," degrading.

I don't think it is...

because I don't think anyone is ever just a mom. 

I feel, with my whole heart, that being a mother is a big part of my divine destiny.

However, that's what it is.

A part.

We are created to be lots of things. While being a mother should be highly esteemed and upheld with honor, I want to be more (not at the sacrifice of being a mother!) and I don't that should be a bad thing. 

I think one of the biggest reasons I struggled with motherhood in the beginning (we're talking major identity crisis!) was because it felt like a life sentence to being just a mom. I thought I was leaving the person I was behind. That being a mom was all I was every going to do. Wipe butts and memorize the recipe for Mac n Cheese. 

I realize now that none of us are just moms (although if anyone was, I think that is just about the best thing you can just be).

We are all children of God. That's a big deal, and a role outside of being mom.

A lot of us our wives, and I must say...I love being a wife (I also love me some husband!).

A lot of us are sisters and children and friends and neighbors.

Some of us are doctors and teachers and lawyers and grocery store clerks and mail ladies and receptionists and students and nurses and writers and artists and fashionistas and everything else you can think of! 

I can't stress enough how important I think motherhood is...how much I love it...how much I know it's what I'm here to do...

BUT...

It's liberating to know I don't have to just be a mom.

I can also be a great wife....have I told you before how much I love this role?

I can be a Spanish speaker.

I can be a good neighbor

I can be a dancer and a writer and a photographer

I can be a cook...and not just because my family needs to eat but because I can enjoy it too!

I can still have friends and still spend time with them

I can be a student (I'm pretty sure I will be a life-long student. So much I want to learn!)

I can be a reader and not just children's books but I can read because I want to learn and be inspired and challenge myself. 

I can be a traveler.

I can be a listening ear to someone who needs it.

I can be a disciple of Christ and help the lost child find their dad or help the mom of three juggle her groceries.

I can be a nutritionist.

I can be an interior designer even if I'm limited to Goodwill the dollar section at Target

I can be a gardener and an artist and a kind stranger.

(I'm also good at shooting crap and getting toothpaste on my shirt)
 

I know that anything I accomplish outside of my home will be small in comparison to the mountains I can move by being a righteous mother, but I firmly believe that's not where our role as women...as people... ends. 

I don't think it's Heavenly Father's intention for us to isolate ourselves. What's important in life? The way I see it (1) your relationship with God and (2) PEOPLE. I can't remember where but I heard that the best way to share your beliefs (www.mormon.org) is to talk to as many people as possible. This isn't very natural for me. Especially in our time when Angry Birds has become a worthy substitution for human interaction. I remember the first time I rode the train to school in Phoenix, Arizona, I was shocked that people could sit right next to someone without even saying hello! I'm sad to admit that I became one of those people by the end of my college career... but I really do believe that people are the (second) most important thing in life and that's not limited to the bodies that sit at your kitchen table. Not to mention, how we treat others shows the degree of our conversion to Christ. Motherhood is quite possibly more of a reason to cultivate relationships with others...especially other moms! It's ironic that during a time when you're virtually never alone, it's really common to be lonely! I know from newborn to about five months was incredibly lonely for me. And Heaven knows we need support...and possibly (definitely) a distraction every now and then! Although less important than people, I think it's really important to show your kids as much of the world as you can. It's important for them to feel blades of grass on their toes, say hi to the grocery store clerk, and feel the sun on their skin as much as humanly possible. Trade a trip to the park for an episode of Sesame Street. Have a conversation with the mail man. Get to know your neighbors. Pursue an education. Start a business from home. Read books. Challenge yourself. Maybe change out of sweats every once in awhile...? I'm talking to myself there, obviously.

So, yes. I stay at home with Ainsley and I love that I'm able to do that and I love her more than words can say and I cherish my role as a mother, but I will never be just a mom.

And that's what I think about that.

Motherhood Matters

Something I've struggled with since I've crossed the line into motherhood is feeling like what I'm doing matters. A big part of my day is pretty monotonous. 

Diapers. Dishes. Laundry. Cooking. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Baths. More Laundry. More Dishes. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

A hundred times over. 

In a week. 

I struggle with the repetition. 

And the feeling that my work is never done. 

Trying to keep a house clean with a baby is a whole new ball game. 

Also, taking care of a 17 pound human is actually hard work. 

Go figure. 

The thing about having a baby is that they can't tell you how they feel. While I love being around Ainsley, sometimes I feel it doesn't make a difference to her who changes her diapers or plays with her. To keep the house clean, I could just as easily work full time and hire a house cleaning service (although I still would love to hire someone!). See, I'm easily replaced, right?

Ainsley came into our lives sooner than we were planning. If it was up to me, I would probably be working 50+ hours a week finishing my dietetic internship and accomplishing great things, by the world's standards.

I care about God's standards. 

Then I read this talk from Elder Scott, a general authority in my church. 

Regardless of religous affilition, it's inspiring. 

The fact that Ainsley came into our lives when she did gives me the impression that Heavenly Father thinks that being a mom to Ainsley right now is more important than anything else I could be doing with my life. That thought brings tears to my eyes. 

After reading this talk, I felt like my job is important. Heavenly Father approves of how I spend my days even if I feel like I accomplished nothing at the end of the day. What I do largely can make or break a peaceful environment for my family to preside in. While it's not necessarily important to have an immaculate home, it's important that I keep our home from being chaotic. It's important that Ainsley has her mom home to shower her with a million kisses. I absolutely think nothing less of working moms. I mean to say that I'm grateful for my opportunity to spend my days with my little Ainsley pot. 

It doesn't just matter for her, it matters for me. I believe that God gives you the experiences you need to be molded into what He wants you to become. I know that the struggles I've been going through are only to better me in the end and I will eventually be grateful for them. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and knows what I need.

I guess my thought today is a simple one. 

Being a mother matters. 

Ch-Ch-Chaaaanges...in marriage

I had heard having a baby changes your marriage. 

Maybe I didn't hear it enough, maybe I didn't believe it, or maybe nothing would have prepared me for the changes!

Ah, another change having a baby brings. 

In some ways, the timing of Ainsley's birth was great, but in a lot of ways it was tough. She was born on the 4th day of school of Clint's last semester before graduation! He was only able to take a day off of school to help me after she was born. 

Taking care of a newborn (me) is a more than full time job and so is taking a full load of engineering courses and working (him). We kicked into survival mode and Clint did what he needed to, and I did what I needed to. 

The early days were really tough with Ainsley. She was a tough baby. My days became an endless blur of painful nursing sessions, dirty diapers, laundry, minimal sleep, and lots of crying, mostly from her. 

Clint's days were full of schoolschoolschool!! And a little working. The poor guy was insanely stressed and busy. I don't know if he went to bed before 2am the whole semester!

To say the least, we were divided. We lost our team we had spent the two previous years building. Instead of Clint and I, it was now Clint and School or Me and Ainsley. 

I honestly thought the partnership between my husband and I had ended. 

I felt my marriage full of love, respect, and adoration was over. 

Now I was a mother, and that was all I was going to be. 

Because we weren't receiving the love from each other we desired, we both began to resent each other a wee bit.

The PPD was intense. I was feeling worthless, ugly, not worthy of love. My life felt meaningless. This doesn't leave a lot of energy for doing things like writing love notes to my husband.

Clint and I have always had an incredible marriage. Really, I think it's exceptionally good. I was heartbroken that by doing what we were supposed to and having a baby, our marriage was so damaged. Making each other happy had always come natural, but now we had to work for it. 

I'm not sure how old Ainsley was, but I know it was more than two months, when Clint and I finally had a talk. You know, I think it was the first time since she was born that we had a real, heartfelt talk. We talked for hours, tears were sheds, needs addressed. It was the best thing we could have done for our marriage. I was unaware Clint felt abandoned and he didn't know I was feeling the same. We told each other how we felt, what we needed from each other, etc. We have had to have many follow-up talks since. We've tried to make going on dates occasionally a priority. We came up with a plan of when and how we would make time for each other. We put more effort into showing one another our love. 

It's getting better. A lot better. It's almost back to normal. It has taken work but it is so worth it. I'm a huge fan of marriage and I really believe just about any issue can be talked through. I'm really grateful to have such a kind husband and sweet baby. It has been a hard time in my life, but they truly make my life better. 

Marci Dawn Photography: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Marci-Dawn-Photography/351726558190568

p.s. I had Clint read this before I posted it. I intend to be honest but never to incriminate my husband. He is 100% supportive of this blog. He really is an incredible husband. 

Being Me AND a Mother

First, thank you to everyone who has shown me kindness regarding my previous post on post partum depression. It really helped me a lot to share it. I don't feel as alone any more. Knowing other people who have gone through it or are going through it had already been a blessing to me. I'm surprised with how many people responded with similar feelings.  

If you contacted me, I haven't gotten around to responding yet. I wrote the post and then decided to leave it all behind when I went on vacation. It was freeing for me. Thank you for being kind to me.

_______________________________________________

If there's one thing I've (started) learning as a mother it's that taking time for yourself is essential. 

For every one involved. 

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy- canigetanamen?!

A few weeks ago....maybe it was over a month ago...maybe it was months ago....the days fall together....any way, it was a hard day. For some reason Ainsley was not sleeping. I had gotten maybe two hours of sleep and I was physically and emotionally not prepared to take on the day. So, I loaded Ainsley up in her PJs and took myself to chick-fil-a. Sure, it helped that I didn't have to fix lunch and that Ainsley slept in the car, but I also felt recharged that for once I did what I wanted and wasn't a slave to her naps, feedings, diaper changes, etc.

Does that make any sense? 

I know we've all heard someone say something like, "she was the best mother, always putting others before herself." I think this is a nobel trait a lot of mothers have. Putting others before yourself comes with the territory of being a mom. However, sometimes I think we get the impression that putting others before ourselves means that we should never do anything for ourselves.  

Because of this, I think a lot of mothers lose themselves. It's a tricky balance, but it's really important to find ways to be you while being a mother. At least, that's what I'm learning to be true for myself. I know some people find so much happiness and purpose the moment they become a mother. I really think that's great, but it hasn't gone like that for me and that's okay! It can take a lot of effort. 

Clint and I had a good talk about this last night. He came home to his wife as a puddle on the floor. I sobbed  in the middle of the living room for over an hour (mostly) about how I didn't know how to be myself anymore. Sometimes I feel like when I became a mom I switched from being Alexis to being Ainsley's mom. I don't remember how he said it, but Clint told me that it's more important for him to have me than a perfectly cleaned house. I think part of the reason I've had a hard time embracing motherhood is that I feel so inadequate. He told me I don't have to be perfect at something to be good at it. He's a smart one, that Clint. He thinks I'm a good mother. He has never doubted my love for Ainsley. He loves me. That counts for a lot.  

Back to learning to be ourselves. Sometimes, being me means skipping the laundry and making something or spending time outside or even writing a ridiculous blog post! I don't feel like it's selfish to do things for ourselves either. In fact, I think we owe it to our families. I don't think Ainsley would want me to leave behind everything I was to be her mother. I think she deserves a mom who has goals, hobbies, wants, and experiences. Furthermore, I think Clint deserves the woman he married.  I had never thought that me "losing myself" has effected Clint too. He married me because he loves me. He didn't marry me to change me into what he wanted. I'm already wanted. I think a lot of happiness lies in learning to be content with yourself with where you're at. That was a bit of a tangent from the whole finding yourself theme...but still important. 

I haven't quite figured out how to be myself and a mother at the same time. 

Not at all. 

But I'm learning what's important. 

I'm dedicated to figuring out how to embrace motherhood while not leaving behind the person I've been for 23 years. 

My Experience with Post Partum Depression

This is really scary for me.

And embarrassing.
And scary.

Post Partum Depression is hard enough for me to say out loud, let alone write about for the world to see. 

I've felt like I should write about this for a long time, but now sitting down to actually do it, I have a knot in my stomach. Now people are really going to know. Will they think of me differently?

A big part of me feels like dealing with this right now decreases my worth.

According to the CDC website, PPD effects 10-15% of women....and that's just the cases they know about.

I know a lot of people who have had babies. I only know of three people who have had PPD. I don't think this means the statistic is wrong, I think most people just aren't willing to talk about. 

It's hard. 

At a time where I should be happiest, I'm fighting an internal battle with these emotions that don't make sense. 

I don't mean to sound dramatic.

I feel like I should write my experience with it. It could help someone. It could help me (undoubtedly). I didn't know of anyone who had had PPD before getting pregnant and maybe if I had, it would have helped to know that I wasn't alone. 

I think my PPD started the day Ainsley was born. I didn't go into a lot of details in my post about Ainsley's birth, but it was a traumatic experience for me. I hope I don't scare anyone, I'm just trying to be honest. The day Ainsley was born I was in so much pain that it was difficult to think about anything else. That, of course, triggered guilt that I wasn't bursting with happiness like I thought I should be. I was still happy she was here. I was still overwhelmed with love for her, but it was different. 

I don't even know how to get started. There's so many things I feel have attributed to my PPD. 

The first few months were...hard. Ainsley was not a good sleeper or eater and, as I remember it, spent most of her time screaming. It was never diagnosed by a doctor, but she fit the criteria for being colicky. I wasn't making enough milk (probably in part due to massive amounts of stress) and she was always hungry, which made me feel inadequate. Clint was only able to take one day off of school for her birth and was already in over his head so I was on my own when it came to taking care of this little body with  extremely strong lungs. When she was two weeks old, my brother got into a life threatening paragliding accident. My family rushed to see him in California in the Intensive Care Unit where he would spend more than the next two months of his life. The social worker just told us it was bad and we should all make it out to see him as soon as possible. My family left the night we got the phonecall, but with a husband in school and a two week old baby and healing of my own, I had to stay behind. My parents and brothers were in California whenever possible, coming home only a few days here and there to work. My sister was already living in California about an hour away from the hospital my brother was staying at. My family was there, I was here. I wanted to be able to be with my family. I wanted to see my brother and tell him I loved him. We really really didn't think he would make it. I think it was about 2.5 months before he was taken off the breathing machine and we were sure he would live. Even just writing this I can't keep it together. I can't tell you how devastating it is to be a state away, living every day unsure if your brother would make it to the next. I'm not trying to make myself the victim here. This is probably the biggest trial my brother will have and I still can't imagine what he's going through. I know my struggles relating to his accident are nothing in comparison to his, but I still feel it added to my PPD and that's what I'm trying to address here. I was so sleep deprived I was literally hallucinating. Ainsley would only sleep when held a certain way which didn't allow me to sleep. I felt like I was living a nightmare. Breastfeeding was painful. I almost gave up about fifty times. Almost every time I fed her I would cry from pain and frustration. Not to mention, I was also trying to heal from over two hours of pushing. Everything was really taking a toll on our marriage too. Clint and I didn't have time for each other, and we both grew to resent each other a little for that (which we have since resolved). 

Basically, I feel like there was a lot that attributed to why I got PPD aside from those nasty little devils called hormones. 

So how did it effect me? Mostly just on the inside. I've never felt more worthless, which makes no sense. I was doing the best thing I possibly could with my time, what God intended for me to do, but I felt like dirt. That's part of why PPD is so frustrating. It makes no sense. You think, "hey, this should be the happiest time in my life right now! I'm so blessed to have a healthy baby!" but really, you feel like a failure worth less than the onsie your newborn is wearing. The other part that makes no sense, is I was still happy during this time. I feel like I could give two completely different recounts of my first three months and both would be true. For example, I was being completely honest when I wrote this post. On one hand, I was filled with joy, happiness, purpose, and loved my baby more than I could imagine. On the other, I felt worthless, hopeless, depressed, and still loved my baby more than I could imagine. That part stays the same. Part of the reason this is so hard to share is because I feel like it might give people the impression that I love my baby less or that I'm chosing to be negative and not enjoy this time. I'm actually puting a lot of effort into trying to feel happier. It definitely helps, but it only goes so far. I am enjoying this time with Ainsley, but it takes a lot of effort and things are still difficult. 

I just haven't felt like myself. After a blogger meetup earlier this month, I came home and cried to my husband because I just feel so awkward...out of place...and not myself. Some people have told me they haven't noticed much of a difference, but there's always the possibility (a strong one) they're trying to be nice. Either way, I don't feel the same inside. I think that's a huge reason that I'm having such a hard time with my body right now. Yeah, I've posted about my post partum body issues a million times, I know. Maybe the reason I feel so awful about my body is that I'm trying to find a reason I feel so bad inside. I think that's true for a lot of people who have body issues. I feel like if my body was different, I'd feel different about myself. While pride absolutely comes from putting a reasonable amount of effort into your appearance, I think most of our confidence should come from inside. Easier said than done, right? 

Another way PPD has effected me is paranoia. The first two months or so was the worst. I constantly thought someone was trying to break in and hurt Ainsley. I would run through scenario after scenario all day of what I would do. I was always worried she'd spontaneiously stop breathing (although that still worries me sometimes). I worried that crying around her was going to give her some kind of issues as an adult. I was always worried about her growth. I was worried with every sudden sound and movement she made. I'm getting better at letting things go, but it has taken a lot of effort and a lot of communication (read: prayer) with Heavenly Father to help me. 

Then there's the guilt. Ah....the guilt. The guilt that I had to lay down my crying baby for 3 minutes so I could use the restroom. The guilt that I had to supplement with formula for a week (sidenote: I don't think anyone who uses formula is bad! I wanted to breastfeed, and when I thought I wasn't able to, it felt like I was failing). There was guilt of not having the house completely clean because she could catch a disease. I felt guilty that I wasn't fitting into this new role effortlessly. I thought I would only be able to handle having one child and I felt guilty for that. There was guilt for not inviting people over to see her (the reason I didn't invite people over wasn't because I didn't want them to see her, but because I already felt so overwhelmed). I felt guilty every time I cried. I felt guilty for looking like I got struck by lightning. I felt guilty for not being a good wife. I felt guilty every time I felt guilty. 

I don't want this to be a sob story. I want to be constructive. I hope that someone who has felt the way I described above will feel comfort knowing that they aren't alone. 

 The advice I would give to others struggling with PPD is to stay close to God and other things that give you purpose and lift you up. Take the time to nurture your marriage. Know that you are enough. That child is yours for a reason. No one could be a better mom to your baby. Don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself. Get as much sleep as possible. Try to eat well. Put a reasonable amount of effort into getting ready for the day- this may mean just putting on mascara. Recognize that it's okay to struggle and it's okay to not feel the same as your other fifty mom friends who seem to get the greatest joy from mountains of laundry and wiping spit up off their shirts (more power to them!). For goodness sakes break down and buy yourself a pair of pants that actually fits! Be nice to yourself. As much as you want to hide under your covers in bed, get out. Put on a bra (okay, so that one's not so fun). Take yourself out to lunch. Watch a movie during your 12 daily breastfeeding sessions. Remember that this time you have right now is not forever. They grow so fast. Try to focus and enjoy your days with them. Be present. Push out the bad thoughts about yourself. 

And if all else fails, you can write me an e-mail and vent about everything :) You know this sista will help you out! 

p.s. Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and kind to me these past few months. It has meant a lot. 

Time Waster Fast

First, you should know that I'm still severely sleep deprived and my already minimal writing skills have lessened even more. It's a good thing you're a patient person, right? 

Alright, let me just tell you that the whole idea that the life of a stay at home mom entails watching Lifetime and eating brownies all day is just not true. 

Man, I wish it was.

It's BIZ-ZYYY!

It's a different kind of busy than work and school, of course, but I've still been constantly busy. I feel like I've been so far behind on everything. Behind on the housework (seriously, our house was a hot mess), errands, duties for my church, I haven't spent nearly as much time at the hospital with my brother as I would have liked, etc. 

Since Clint's plate is already full, all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and billion other errands that somehow stack up are put on my plate. Oh, and not to mention I'm still recovering from giving birth to the cutest little baby girl and I get to take care of said baby girl who, by the way, hates to sleep with a passion. And oh yeah, I still have to do pain-in-da-bum things like brush my teeth, take showers, eat lunch, and sometimes even get dressed. 

I'm not trying to give you my to-do list but you should just trust me that there's been a lot on it.

Basically, I was living in a mess of crazy and I decided something had to give.

I decided to cut out TV.

You guys, I've been TV free for a week. 

My TV has not been turned on for over a week. 

Yeah, that means even being TV free for a week I still haven't had a spare 15 minutes to sit down and write about this (did you know typing with one hand is really hard?). That doesn't happen. Not to mention, my to-do list is still a mile long. Better than two miles right? Anyway..

Now I'm not someone who sits and watches TV all day. Sometimes I would watch TV while I nursed or folded clothes (in the unlikely event my baby was sleeping) or ate my lunch (in the even more unlikely event my baby didn't cry alligator tears when I set her down). No big deal right? Well, the problem is that nursing my baby  or folding clothes or eating lunch may only takes 30 minutes, but I'm watching a 42 minute show on Netflix and I'm not going to stop it when I'm done doing above task and there's only ten minutes left in the show. Ya feel me? Those extra few minutes here and there watching TV were starting to stack up over the course of days and weeks and months. I also felt like I wasn't as present as I should be for my daughter. I want to soak up every coo and smile and fuzzy hair on her head! Through doing this, I've seen a difference in that regard. I'll only be at this stage of my life once and I want to really enjoy it. I want to be here not distracted by a silly TV show. 

In addition to TV, I've cut down on social media like instagram and facebook. The problem with this is when your baby nurses 10 times a day and you conveniently have access to them on your phone and you're really just trying to stay awake through the day.... I've still probably been on them more than I should. There's room for improvement. I'll try harder!

Still, through doing this "Time Waster Fast", I have been able to do a lot of the things I thought I'd never be able to cross of my to-do list. Here are some:

I was able to vacuum. That's been on my to-do list for weeks. I know, gross. I was able to fix several real meals. I was able to visit my brother in the hospital several times. I went to the grocery story twice. My husband and I were able to spend a day with his family. I am starting to get caught up on my church responsibilities. I packed up Ainsley's 0-3 month clothes and unpacked her 6-9 months clothes (have I told you lately she is growing WAY too fast?). I've exercised daily. We've made an appointment to work with the missionaries. I've re-watched the Saturday General Conference sessions and part of the Sunday AM session. I intend on continuing to subsitute TV and social media time to watching conference which is a much better use of time. My house has transitioned from hot mess to mostly presentable. And most importantly, I've enjoyed my sweet little girl even more.  

I think that's one of the biggest problem with being a technological-crazed society. We're not present for our daily lives. You're in line at the grocery story checking instagram for the 5th time even though you know there couldn't possibly be a new post since you last checked it 2 minutes ago. You do it because it's a habit. Did you know people used to talk to each other? Yeah, in person too. Now it seems like constantly being up to date is such a habit that we're living more in technology than reality. Do I sound like the 89 year old man who asked my mom at the hospital yesterday what her iPhone was? I promise, I'm not against technology. Technology is the very thing that allows me to watch conference over and over and be uplifted and strengthened. I just think that sometimes this wonderful technology that allows you to have access to an insane amount of information that was invented to improve our lives can sometimes decrease the quality of life we're living, even if it's something as simple as not enjoying a conversation with a stranger in the grocery store. 

My name is Alexis, and that's what I think.

p.s. I had just laid down my baby for a nap when I started writing this, and she just started crying. Girl is crazy. 

If only I could master this skill....

I beat myself up a little too much. 

Basically, I'm a human being. 

Yesterday I gathered all my strength and dragged myself to church. Let me tell you, it was tough. My church is 3 hours long. In relief society (the last block where it's just the adult women), the teacher shared an incredible story! 

Drops of Awesome 

You all should read it now. If I could learn to master this skill, my happiness factor would be through the roof! 

Resolutions that stick

I think this was 39 weeks and 2 days. Basically, my belly is taking over. I can't believe how big it has gotten. Stop growing and come out baby girl!

Today I want to write out some resolutions. Last year I did this and it really helped! I even accomplished most of them. Resolutions, for me, aren't something I keep up for a few weeks or so. I start them to finish them! I'm so ready to start 2013! 

1) Have a baby. This is pretty much going to happen no matter what some way or another, but seeing as how it's kind of a big deal, I'd say it's deserving of the resolutions list. 

2) Lose the baby weight. I'm so ready to have my normal body back. The last few weeks I've looked over some old pictures and marveled at how skinny I was. The truth is, I wasn't really skinny but compared to now, I was! I'm really looking forward to having ankles. and a waist. ahhhhhhh. 

3) Organize!!! When we moved into our place I was crazy sick and pregnant while trying to keep up with a little bit of school and work. Clint was working full time and taking care of his sick wife (awh). So our place never really got organized. Specifically, I want to organize our pantry, bathroom cabinet, make up area, desk,  and utility closet. 

4) Work on Learning Spanish. I've already started this one. I got one of those CDs that you learn a language while you drive from my nice in-laws for Christmas. It's pretty cool. And a bonus- Clint loves it. He's fluent in Spanish so he'd love me to speak to him in it and it's something I've always wanted to do as soon as I finished school. 

5) Write in my journal at least once a week. I have a feeling I'm going to grow a lot in this year. I think it's so important to write down your experiences to help you learn and reflect back. I found an awesome website (www.ldsjournal.com) and you just login from whatever computer and write your entry. You can even add pictures. You don't have to worry about losing the document or book AND you can get it printed and bound whenever you want! It's perfect! 

I have a lot of things I want to do in general as well. For one, I want to be the best mom in the whole world to my sweet little girl. I want to continue to learn something new every day. I want to cook more and eat healthier. I want to keep a clean, organized, and well run house. I want to be the best wife to my rockstar husband. I want to be better at studying my scriptures. I just want to become a little better every day. 

I am so excited for this year! Being done with school and having a baby within the next few days, I feel like I'm starting a whole new life and I couldn't be more thrilled! 

(our goofy picture from New Years Eve)

Happy 2013 friends! 

Sometimes I brag a little bit

 Sometimes, when times are difficult, it brings you closer to your husband.

At least, if you choose to go that route. 

I really do love my husband more and more every day. 

Thinking about him holding our sweet baby makes me tear up. 

Marrying him was one of the best decisions I've made, as well as choosing to follow up with that decision and work together towards the best possible marriage! I'd say those two are equally important.

The point: I'm really really really in love with this boy. He's been so supportive to me!