Ainsley's birth, part 3

Right after 5pm they checked me and I was dilated to a 10! My doctor was off duty at 6pm and I was determined to get this baby out by then! I really loved my doctor and wanted her to deliver her! I had to wait a bit before I could begin pushing which was torture! Around 5:25 I started pushing with the nurse. It seriously felt SO GOOD to push! Somehow it gave a sense of relief. It was hard to not push between contractions because it’s just what your body wants to do. The nurse was super nice and helped me to learn the most effective way to push. Each time I’d try using different muscle groups to see what was working best. She encouraged me to use a mirror to see my progress. I watched for one push. I saw her head, which was amazing, but it was too much for me and I asked them to take away the mirror. I could see myself tearing and I had a hard time with that. I think I pushed for about an hour with the nurse and Clint before the doctor came in. I was so relieved when they called the doctor in. I thought it meant I was close! It was actually really funny. My doctor came in in a cute little stylish short dress and heels. I thought for sure she was going to change but instead she just threw on her “doctor stuff” on top of her clothes and was in the action right away. The nurse held one leg and Clint held the other while my doctor worked on guiding the baby out and using her techniques to stretch me and whatnot. By the time the doctor came in I was pretty exhausted. Remember, I had been pushing for over and hour and the epidural didn't feel like it was working. The next 20 minutes or so I was still okay. I was in pretty intense pain and getting tired but I was still managing. But then the REAL pain set in. I took a turn really quickly. I felt like the room was 130 degrees and started shaking like a leaf. Honestly, the pain during the contraction and pushing was less than in between the contractions when I just had to wait. There’s no words to describe the pain. I just wanted to push until she was out but the doctor told me I was wasting my energy when I wasn’t waiting for the contractions.

Clint seriously did so good. He gets a little quesy around blood and guts but he watched the whole thing! He was so encouraging! While the nurse and doctor kept telling me to push harder Clint encouraged me and told me how great I was doing. Hearing him so excited gave me more motivation.

Finally, at 7:29pm, she was born! That’s over two hours of pushing and about 21.5 hours of labor! The second she was born one of the nurses yelled out, “that baby is at least 9 pounds!” Turns out she was 8 pounds 7 ounces. They put her on my chest and I remember asking why she wasn’t crying. She made a few noise but she didn’t scream like I was expecting. I was also expecting to have an overwhelming connection and feeling of love as soon as I saw her. I’m a little sad to say that’s not how it was for me. I was still in so much pain I couldn’t think about anything else. I guess it’s the parable of the oxygen mask- they tell you to put yours on before you can help others. I remember saying something like, “I can’t handle this right now.” The nurse asked if I wanted her to take her and clean her up and I said yes. I had told Clint before I didn’t want him leaving my side, but when he asked if he could go with the baby, I didn’t care about anything but my pain at that point. I physically couldn't handle thinking about anything else. I needed some time to come to grips with what just happened and try to work through the pain by myself. Clint watched as they did their thing with Ainsley. She scored a 9 on both her APGAR scores! Good job baby!

The doctor delivered the placenta and then stitched me up from my tear, which I could totally feel. It didn’t feel good. The doctor asked if I wanted to see the placenta. Normally I’m way into medical stuff like that and would be all over it… but I said no. Again, right after she was born I just couldn’t think about anything else for a few minutes. The reality of what my body had just done was too much for me at the moment.

[this was right after she was born. You can tell how pale I was. And yes, I realize I look terribly awful in this picture as well as all the others. However, I feel that if there's one time in your life you deserve to look terribly awful it's during/after birthing a baby.]

After they were done stitching me up they asked if I was ready for her. By this point I was and I WANTED my baby. This was when I had my moment with her. Seeing this innocent little baby that I had suffered the last 9 months for was so special. I could feel the spirit so strongly and knew I was holding such a special little girl. She’s going to do great things. I feel honored to be her mother. She began rooting right away and I did my best attempt at trying to breastfeed her. I asked the nurse for help but they were to busy at the time (which resulted in some serious pain later!). I don’t remember Clint being by me. It was just my moment with my sweet girl. I loved her more than I thought was possible. That love has continued to grow every day since! I am in love with being a mother! 

[Our out-of-focus first picture as a family. I don't care how awful I look, check out that gorgeous baby girl!]