My man Abe.

There's a famous quote from Abraham Lincoln that says something like,

"I spent most of my life worrying about things that never happened."

Well Amen to that Mr. Lincoln, we have that in common. But you see, I'm a good multitasker. I can worry while I drive, work, clean, read, shower...so does it still mean that's how I'm spending my life?

I don't know what has been with me but these last few days I've been a stress case. Maybe it's that I started back on birth control? Do your hormones ever even out on those devil pills? Please say yes.

Anyway. Today I'm a little bit worried. You know, I think worry is the wrong word. Anxious is probably better. I don't worry about things much, but I have that physiologic response of anxiety. Not my best trait, I will admit, but I've always been like this. My mom said I missed half of kindergarten because I'd get so worried/anxious it would make me sick. I often also missed picture days, class parties, birthday parties, etc. In my defense, I had a fair amount to be stressed about. Boo!

[Obviously still not over missing those class holiday parties. Those things were the bomb. I always gave the cute boy the best Valentine!] 

Now that I'm older I've learned to deal with things better, but it's impossible to completely control. It's like trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze. Just not gonna happen. Telling someone with anxiety to relax [which isn't even the same thing] is seriously the equivalent of telling someone who gets allergies to just stop. Or someone who stutters to stop. Or someone who gets migraines to stop. You get the point. 

You do what you can, then you deal with the rest the best way you know how.

Lately I've had quite a few things adding to my anxiety. If you don't want to be bored, please feel free to stop reading now. If you love being bored, you go ahead and grab that popcorn girl!

I'm anxious about my health. Lately I've had piercing migrains and I feel motion sick every day, for most of the day. It's like I'm on a roller coaster and can't get off. And my body just hurts. You probably wouldn't know that because I try not to complain, but I feel terrible most days.

I'm worried about school. Can I get it all done in time? Can I do well? Will it be worth it?

I'm anxious about being a wife. Am I doing good enough? Is Clint happy enough? Am I missing something? What should I be doing better?

I'm anxious about my job. Should I stay here? Should I take a pay cut and get some hands on experience in my field?

I'm anxious about my career. Can I get the much coveted internship? If I do, will we have to move for it? Will Clint be able to come with me? Will we have a baby? Will it even be possible? Will I spend years working toward something I won't be able to finish?

I'm anxious that one of my best friends is probably moving away in the near future. Insert big alligator tears here.

I'm anxious about being a mom. NO, I am not there yet. No announcement. But when the time comes will I be everything my child needs? I mean really, that's a huge responsibility! I just really want to give them the best.

I'm anxious about doing the right thing. Is it the best option for us to wait to have kids? I know getting an education and having a solid career is important, but being a mother is a thousand times more important. How do you find that balance?

Basically, I think the thing I am anxious about the most is just being enough.

Do you ever worry about being enough?

All those silly worries being said, I find great comfort.

I know that I'm a child of God. I know that he loves me. I'm grateful to know that. I know that he is mindful of me and what I have going on. I know that He will take care of me. I know I am in good hands. He is aware of every single mistake I make, and he still loves me more than I can imagine. Aren't we supposed to be working towards becoming more like Him?

 I know that if I could see me as He sees me, I would never wonder if I'm enough again.

Think about that!

_____________________________________

I am also so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing, wonderful, incredible husband. I love him more than I could ever say.

I might have cried like a little baby during our first dance. And I might be crying right now thinking about how I couldn't be more blessed to spend forever with such a sweetheart.

He's my soft place to land.

He's my teammate. My best friend. I know we can get through anything together.

Yeah, I'm crazy about that boy!

All in all, it's been a rough last few days, but I am incredibly blessed in so many ways.

The pursuit of bliss.

Remember how I wrote you guys about a week ago about how I had a panic attack and it was like the most humiliating, awful, scary experience? Remember how you were all so nice? Remember how some of you [a lot more than I would have guessed] have been through similar experiences and you told me about them and I felt way better and more normal?

Yeah. Thanks :)

Seriously.

Since that horrible day I have felt so good. Well, not right away. I kind of cried straight for the two days following but whose counting? After that though, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was completely over it. It was like my body was getting out all of that tension and anxiety.

I'm a big believer that typically when you have a bad attitude about life or "in a rut", it's your attitude that needs the adjustement and not your life. However, this time, my life needed some adjusting too. I figure if things are making me crazy enough to have a panic attack, something needs to change.

That night I decided I was going to do whatever needed to be done to make sure it never happened again. This began with dropping that class. Yes. I dropped biochemistry. No. I am not a failure. Aside from the fact that my teacher is crazy and for example didn't even curve a test with a 55% average, I simply had too much on my plate.I've also decided to take my complaint to the department. I feel like not sticking up for myself and my passive personality somewhat contributes to my anxiety. I want to start having more of a say.

 My therapist tells me to picture trying to fit a thanksgiving feast, whole turkey, pumpkin pie and all, on a single serving plate. Obviously, there's no way it can fit. You wouldn't get mad at the plate for not being able to hold it all. It's not the plate's fault. You would break up the food into more manageable portions. Same with our schedules. I simply had too much on my plate. Remember when I got meningitis and I felt like Heavenly Father (God) was trying to tell me to simplify my life? This was that time a billion. I thought I had listened, but I guess not well enough!
Let me tell you...since I dropped that class, I feel like I can breathe! I added another class in it's place, but it's nowhere near the same workload. My schedule is still very difficult, but at least now I feel it's possible.

Anyway. I also decided that this was my body's way of saying, "oh hey! In your quest for learning about nutrition to help other people be healthy don't forget to take care of me!" So this was when my idea of

self-care goals

was born.

Here are a few.

(1) Work out minimum 3 times a week. No, this does not count running for the train which I do almost every day. I felt 3 was a manageable number. I want it to be achievable. I want to shoot for higher, but don't want to get stressed out if I don't get to it every day. I'm a firm believer in treating your body right to feel good. Exercise is a big part of that. Holla for da endorphins!

(2) Don't get less than 6 hours of sleep two night in a row. I know to some of you that's a lot, but I'm an 8 hour a night girl. I've always been a sleeper. Always the first to bed and the last up. It's okay though, because I think I get more done in my day than most. However if I dont get enough sleep, I'm not productive. Sometimes sleep is the best use of time.

(3) Do at least one stress free thing with Clint over the weekend. One weekend me and Clint decided to forego date night and stay in and study. That next week was the WORST. Seriously, sometimes you need stress relievers to be more productive.  

(4) Keep the apartment clean. I might be stressed trying to study, but I'm definitely going to be stressed if our apartment looks like a tornado went through it.

(5) Do something for myself every day. It can be as small as reading a chapter in my book, watching a 20 minute modern family episode, taking a walk, or as big as a movie or a few hours with a friend. I know those might sound like things you do anyway, but there's something different about telling yourself, okay, this is time to do what I want and not feel guilty.

I have more, but those are the ones I feel like sharing. Let me tell you, since I have implemented this, I feel so so so good! It's not like my life is easy now and butterflies follow me around and elves do my homework [?], I just feel like I can handle it. Let me tell you...that is a great feeling! I'm so happy. I'm so happy that I get to see my sweetheart every day. I'm so happy that I am one of the fortunate ones that get a shot at higher education, as difficult as the path I have chosen may be. I'm so happy that I have so many incredible friends that love and accept me. I'm so happy that the wonderful holiday season is coming. I'm so happy that I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life to give me strength and show me perspective. I'm so happy that I have a job, a car, a place to lay my head, and food in my cabinets. I'm so happy that I have a body healthy enough to dance, hike, and run. Basically, I'm really happy. Now that I feel like I have somewhat of a grasp on things, it's so easy to find a thousand reasons to be happy. 

I guess Ferris was right.  

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