Do you have a most embarrassing story? Is yours the fun kind where you can tell around a campfire and laugh about now? Consider yourself lucky. Mine is not like that. Mine was born a week ago today.
It was a particularly stressful week at school for me, but nothing I hadn't handled before.
There were also a few out-of-the-ordinary stressors weighing on my shoulders.
All in all, it was a stressful week., to put it simply and much understated.
The day began with a surprise quiz in NTR 444. Ka-ching! Done. Next was a test in NTR 440, which, don't be fooled by the number, is ten fold harder than NTR 444. But me? I was prepared. I knew the answers. I was breezing through this test like no bodys bidness. I wasn't feeling particularly stressed.
Then out of no where, I start gagging, which developed into a few dry heaves. My heart rate had to have at least tripled. I'm positive I'm going to throw up in the next ten seconds. Everything goes black for a small moment. My ears start ringing. I put down my pencil and look at my hands. They're shaking like no hands have ever shaked before. I feel like I'm choking. My body feels tingly. I get a sensation I'm in a dream.
I don't know what just happened, but I know I need to get out of the classroom. I turn in my test, unfinished, and leave. I walked around the courtyard outside of my class.
At first I think I just got hit with a mad wave of food poisoning. Then I toss around the idea it was a heart attack. I'm way too young and healthy for a heart attack. Was it a stroke? What is a stroke exactly anyway? I lean over to vomit in the bushes, but nothing comes. Then, it hits me.
I just had an anxiety attack.
So I text a family member that I know had a past with him, describe how I feel, and he confirms my fears.
I just had an anxiety attack.
Still, I'm pacing around outside, trying to catch my breath. My heart is beating so hard I feel it in the tips of my fingers. My face is dripping in tears. Between sobs I gasp for air. My hands are still shaking too much to legibly write any letter, a-z. I really am at a loss for what to do next. This has never happened before. I can't just go home, I have another a test in ten minutes. I walked into the bathroom, did my best to wipe off all the mascara and tears from my face, and walked into my test room- still crying and hyperventilating. Then, it hit again. The nausea, dizziness, numbness, everything was back. I sat down and tried to pretend I didn't see people staring at me. Deep breaths. It wasn't helping. What do I do? I'm in no shape to take this test. Heck, maybe I need I doctor. I don't know. I go up to my teacher, scared, and spit out between sobs,
"I think I just had a panic attack and I'm scared and don't know what to do."
In the snarkiest tone you can imagine, she replies, "What? It's JUST a test!"
"It's not just about the test." [sidenote, I wish right here I could have explained things better, but I obviously was not thinking clearly.]
"Well, you better go walk around or something. Test starts in 5 minutes."
I was shocked. And ticked. I could not believe she treated me like that. I went to her for help. I was obviously scared. I don't expect professors to be masters in compassion, heck, they're professors. But please. A little bit of mutual respect would be nice.
So I did what I thought the only option was. I took the test. I attempted to see the problems through the tears. Really, I couldn't comprehend what the questions were asking and at that point, I didn't really care. I sobbed and hyperventilated through the whole thing. I pretended I couldn't see people staring or hear them asking if I was okay. But the truth? It was the most embarrassing experience of my life.