Thursday, October 6, 2011

Well that was kind of sucky.

Do you have a most embarrassing story? Is yours the fun kind where you can tell around a campfire and laugh about now? Consider yourself lucky. Mine is not like that. Mine was born a week ago today.


It was a particularly stressful week at school for me, but nothing I hadn't handled before.
There were also a few out-of-the-ordinary stressors weighing on my shoulders.
All in all, it was a stressful week., to put it simply and much understated.

The day began with a surprise quiz in NTR 444. Ka-ching! Done. Next was a test in NTR 440, which, don't be fooled by the number, is ten fold harder than NTR 444. But me? I was prepared. I knew the answers. I was breezing through this test like no bodys bidness. I wasn't feeling particularly stressed.

Then out of no where, I start gagging, which developed into a few dry heaves. My heart rate had to have at least tripled. I'm positive I'm going to throw up in the next ten seconds. Everything goes black for a small moment. My ears start ringing. I put down my pencil and look at my hands. They're shaking like no hands have ever shaked before. I feel like I'm choking. My body feels tingly. I get a sensation I'm in a dream.

I don't know what just happened, but I know I need to get out of the classroom. I turn in my test, unfinished, and leave. I walked around the courtyard outside of my class.

At first I think I just got hit with a mad wave of food poisoning. Then I toss around the idea it was a heart attack. I'm way too young and healthy for a heart attack. Was it a stroke? What is a stroke exactly anyway? I lean over to vomit in the bushes, but nothing comes. Then, it hits me.
I just had an anxiety attack.
So I text a family member that I know had a past with him, describe how I feel, and he confirms my fears.
I just had an anxiety attack.
Still, I'm pacing around outside, trying to catch my breath. My heart is beating so hard I feel it in the tips of my fingers. My face is dripping in tears. Between sobs I gasp for air. My hands are still shaking too much to legibly write any letter, a-z. I really am at a loss for what to do next. This has never happened before. I can't just go home, I have another a test in ten minutes. I walked into the bathroom, did my best to wipe off all the mascara and tears from my face, and walked into my test room- still crying and hyperventilating. Then, it hit again. The nausea, dizziness, numbness, everything was back. I sat down and tried to pretend I didn't see people staring at me. Deep breaths. It wasn't helping. What do I do? I'm in no shape to take this test. Heck, maybe I need I doctor. I don't know. I go up to my teacher, scared, and spit out between sobs,
"I think I just had a panic attack and I'm scared and don't know what to do."
In the snarkiest tone you can imagine, she replies, "What? It's JUST a test!"
"It's not just about the test." [sidenote, I wish right here I could have explained things better, but I obviously was not thinking clearly.]
"Well, you better go walk around or something. Test starts in 5 minutes."

I was shocked. And ticked. I could not believe she treated me like that. I went to her for help. I was obviously scared. I don't expect professors to be masters in compassion, heck, they're professors. But please. A little bit of mutual respect would be nice.

So I did what I thought the only option was. I took the test. I attempted to see the problems through the tears. Really, I couldn't comprehend what the questions were asking and at that point, I didn't really care. I sobbed and hyperventilated through the whole thing. I pretended I couldn't see people staring or hear them asking if I was okay.  But the truth? It was the most embarrassing experience of my life.

19 comments:

Ariana said...

Oh my word, that makes me angry just reading this. I hope you got to feeling better this week.

What a rude teacher! :(

Seth + Carlie said...

I wouldn't be embarrassed by that at all because the teacher was a jerk. I can't believe she did that! She should be embarrassed! =) I actually have anxiety, and it can be very scary, and it sucks that it can hit you when you don't expect it. I really hope you did okay on those tests, and that you are doing better now!

Mrs. Ali said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry! I wish I coulda been there to hug you and help you feel better! Hugs and loves ;)

katilda said...

i feel...i feel...like there should be some kind of ethical dept you can report that teacher to at ASU. seriously, it's not ok to respond to "i just had a panic attack" that poorly. i say you tell on her....

Lili said...

Oh what a b*tch. I hope you are better now! Anxiety attacks are frightening. A lot more people than one might think suffer from anxiety. It's people like her who make the suffering (and the silence!!) even more profound. GAH, I don't even know where to start about that!!

Relatable Style

Tim said...

Aww girl, I'm so sorry. Anxiety attacks are NOT fun. And to have it happen in such an unfortunate circumstance and with such an unfortunate person makes it doubly not fun. I hope you're doing better! Prayin' for ya.

Katie said...

Sorry about that comment by "Tim" - that was actually me. Haha sorry.

karajean said...

I had a few panic attacks when I moved to Tucson right after high school, especially after I broke up with my boyfriend. My hands and face would go all tingly and numb, I would cry so hard I couldn't breathe, and I always thought I was going to vomit. It was awful. I am so sorry you had to go through that at school. Thinking about you!

Gentri said...

Oh alexis! I am so so sorry! That is terrible and I can't believe your professor didn't care in anyway! I hope you are feeling better! Can I do anything to help?

LaynahRose said...

Ohh my word! That is so scary! Don't be embarrassed, you didnt mean to! Im sure the professor could see something was obviously wrong, that's messed up. She didn't even say anything else when you turned it in??

I was taking a test the other day and nausea hit me so hard and SO fast! I wonder if it was a panic attack...?

Megan said...

Oh my gosh, girl, I'm so so sorry! I can't believe that she didn't let you take it later!! If it keeps happening, you need to see a doctor about it! It's definitely overwhelming and incapacitates you!!

Emma Frances said...

Wow! I can't believe the way your teacher responded! I would have been ticked too! I hope things get better.

Jennifer said...

That happened to me once. I had a panic attack just before a test in my school cafeteria in college...in front of everyone. I'm sorry girl.

Vivian said...

Yeah it's true she could have been more supportive but now after it's all said and done you need to think about YOU and how to deal with this for when (if) it happens again. So sorry it did. You are beautiful no matter what. :)

Brittany Lew Whoo said...

your teacher is horrible! i'm glad you're ok though, that sounds awful!

Annie said...

That is uhm, the dumbest thing I've ever heard. not you, that teacher! Gah! Sometimes I feel like their is no compassion, no sympathy left in this world! :( I wish I could help. If I thought it would help I would march right in there to your teacher and give them the longest lecture they've ever had about compassion and how they have no idea what other people are going through. It's just so ridiculous that we can think a panic attack? what a joke! it's not a joke. you felt like you were gonna throw up, you could hardly breathe, for heaven's sake!
Don't be embarrassed. seriously, it's not like you could even control that. I should tell you my most embarrassing moment, no scratch that, most embarrassing night. I'll sum it up by saying I walked into a muddy ditch, tried to climb out but went the wrong way and climbed farther into the ditch, left my camera on top of my car and drove away, smashing it to bits, and a few other things all in front of my boyfriend and other friends. Feel any better?

Darby Arby said...

oh my gosh! how terrifying! I would say that's more embarrassing for your teacher than you. She had an opportunity to help someone out and didn't take it... that's more embarrassing if you ask me.

CBB said...

As someone who lives with Anxiety/Panic Disorder I can tell you what you felt was real, it was scary and the way you were treated it just awful.

I would encourage you to talk with your doctor if it happens again, it doesn't necessarily mean you need medicine but it is important to discuss the symptoms with your doctor.

I hope that you're feeling better!

Kristine said...

Ugh, aren't they the worst!? I get them frequently I will be the first to admit they are no fun. Hope things get better for you! And don't be embarrassed... your teacher sounds like a real biatch...