Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My man Abe.

There's a famous quote from Abraham Lincoln that says something like,
"I spent most of my life worrying about things that never happened."

Well Amen to that Mr. Lincoln, we have that in common. But you see, I'm a good multitasker. I can worry while I drive, work, clean, read, shower...so does it still mean that's how I'm spending my life?

I don't know what has been with me but these last few days I've been a stress case. Maybe it's that I started back on birth control? Do your hormones ever even out on those devil pills? Please say yes.

Anyway. Today I'm a little bit worried. You know, I think worry is the wrong word. Anxious is probably better. I don't worry about things much, but I have that physiologic response of anxiety. Not my best trait, I will admit, but I've always been like this. My mom said I missed half of kindergarten because I'd get so worried/anxious it would make me sick. I often also missed picture days, class parties, birthday parties, etc. In my defense, I had a fair amount to be stressed about. Boo!
[Obviously still not over missing those class holiday parties. Those things were the bomb. I always gave the cute boy the best Valentine!] 

Now that I'm older I've learned to deal with things better, but it's impossible to completely control. It's like trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze. Just not gonna happen. Telling someone with anxiety to relax [which isn't even the same thing] is seriously the equivalent of telling someone who gets allergies to just stop. Or someone who stutters to stop. Or someone who gets migraines to stop. You get the point. 
You do what you can, then you deal with the rest the best way you know how.

Lately I've had quite a few things adding to my anxiety. If you don't want to be bored, please feel free to stop reading now. If you love being bored, you go ahead and grab that popcorn girl!
I'm anxious about my health. Lately I've had piercing migrains and I feel motion sick every day, for most of the day. It's like I'm on a roller coaster and can't get off. And my body just hurts. You probably wouldn't know that because I try not to complain, but I feel terrible most days.
I'm worried about school. Can I get it all done in time? Can I do well? Will it be worth it?
I'm anxious about being a wife. Am I doing good enough? Is Clint happy enough? Am I missing something? What should I be doing better?
I'm anxious about my job. Should I stay here? Should I take a pay cut and get some hands on experience in my field?
I'm anxious about my career. Can I get the much coveted internship? If I do, will we have to move for it? Will Clint be able to come with me? Will we have a baby? Will it even be possible? Will I spend years working toward something I won't be able to finish?
I'm anxious that one of my best friends is probably moving away in the near future. Insert big alligator tears here.
I'm anxious about being a mom. NO, I am not there yet. No announcement. But when the time comes will I be everything my child needs? I mean really, that's a huge responsibility! I just really want to give them the best.
I'm anxious about doing the right thing. Is it the best option for us to wait to have kids? I know getting an education and having a solid career is important, but being a mother is a thousand times more important. How do you find that balance?

Basically, I think the thing I am anxious about the most is just being enough.
Do you ever worry about being enough?

All those silly worries being said, I find great comfort.
I know that I'm a child of God. I know that he loves me. I'm grateful to know that. I know that he is mindful of me and what I have going on. I know that He will take care of me. I know I am in good hands. He is aware of every single mistake I make, and he still loves me more than I can imagine. Aren't we supposed to be working towards becoming more like Him?
 I know that if I could see me as He sees me, I would never wonder if I'm enough again.
Think about that!


I am also so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing, wonderful, incredible husband. I love him more than I could ever say.
I might have cried like a little baby during our first dance. And I might be crying right now thinking about how I couldn't be more blessed to spend forever with such a sweetheart.
He's my soft place to land.
He's my teammate. My best friend. I know we can get through anything together.
Yeah, I'm crazy about that boy!

All in all, it's been a rough last few days, but I am incredibly blessed in so many ways.


Dana Richards said...

Oof I feel your pain girl, my husband is always amazed by the amount of things I can worry about at once hahaha oh and for me, I could NEVER get my hormones straight on the pill, I gave up after a year (a year of breaking down into tears at the drop of a hat haha)

Autumn said...

Rest in God's hands. even when things seem tough or we worry about little everyday things, things that might be only important to us He cares. You can do it Alexis! I'll be praying for your health. Hope you start feeling better soon.

Darby Arby said...

oh i just love reading your blog. Keep your chin up and keep trekkin' girl!

Emma Frances said...

You. Are. Amazing. Thanks for sharing! I feel like I've been feeling the stress/anxiety from a lot of these things recently too. Life is scary. Thank goodness for wonderful husbands and an amazing all-knowing Heavenly Father! Also, you look so perfectly content and happy in the first engagement photo you posted on here. I love it. :]

Clint said...

I love you so much babe! You inspire me with how well you deal with everything you have on your plate! Im lucky to have you!

Erin said...

so inspiring girl! these pictures are amazing!

Lili said...

Hey :-) It's ok to be anxious, a lot of people are. Just don't let it get out of hand so that you let your anxiety control you and hinder you to do things you want to do! By the way, the pill is linked to mood disorders in general, I can't take it either. If you are prone to mood problems, you might want to skip all hormonal contraception, which is practically all the easy stuff :-( Some people say they could find a pill that did not cause any emotional discomfort, but the side effects that come from testing a lot of pills aren't that great either! Yes, contraception without taking hormones is a pain in the ass (really now.) but my health was worth it for me. About the all-day motion sickness, I've had this problem for 1,5 years now and after a year or so I found out that I always have it 2-4 hours after I eat dairy. Turns out I'm lactose intolerant. With taking lactase pills when I eat dairy and taking daily allergy medication, I'm ok. I need to find out more about this, but at least I can now avoid the dizzyness and lightheadedness with this knowledge. This is something I am anxious about: That it could get worse. I'm a pretty good catastrphizer, too. It runs in the family ;-)

Carlie said...

I love your blog! Even though you are having a rough time, you are always so positive! I know what you mean about being stressed about certain things (work, when to have kids, etc.). I feel like I have been doing a lot of the same lately too! Luckily, we have prayer and great husbands! =)

Courtney B said...

Girl, I would so give you a BIG hug right now if I could. I wish you weren't the worrying kind :( That is just so much to have on your plate all.the.time. I PROMISE things will work out! Not when or how we think they should, but the Lord makes sure we are taken care of :)
And you and Clint are so cute it could make me sick. Except I love this kind of love ;)

skippysays said...

I can so relate to this on so many levels. I used to be the same way as a kid, and it's only gotten worse with age. Like you, I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband by my side through it all. And I keep reminding myself of how blessed I really am :)

Amy said...

I feel the same way sometimes too, like I will never be enough. So you are not alone! Just be easy on yourself when you can! So cute how sweet your husband is!

(*someday imma get me one of those.. haha!)

Megan said...

I've definitely been there, love!! Praying for you. Sometimes it's hard to let God have the reigns of worry/doubt, but we have to trust in Him. He will take care of us!!

Brooke said...

Holy cow, I am such a worrier it's not even funny. I worry about everything, all the time. We are so blessed to have sweet husband who keep things in perspective for us. Keep your chin up girly! I've only read a few of your blog posts, but can I say I'm hooked already?

katilda said...

i do rather enjoy that picture where he's picking you up. fer cute!

p.s. my word verification is "credc." i think this is probably your new rapper name. Cred C. Like street cred. Plus a C.