There's a famous quote from Abraham Lincoln that says something like,
"I spent most of my life worrying about things that never happened."
Well Amen to that Mr. Lincoln, we have that in common. But you see, I'm a good multitasker. I can worry while I drive, work, clean, read, shower...so does it still mean that's how I'm spending my life?
I don't know what has been with me but these last few days I've been a stress case. Maybe it's that I started back on birth control? Do your hormones ever even out on those devil pills? Please say yes.
Anyway. Today I'm a little bit worried. You know, I think worry is the wrong word. Anxious is probably better. I don't worry about things much, but I have that physiologic response of anxiety. Not my best trait, I will admit, but I've always been like this. My mom said I missed half of kindergarten because I'd get so worried/anxious it would make me sick. I often also missed picture days, class parties, birthday parties, etc. In my defense, I had a fair amount to be stressed about. Boo!
[Obviously still not over missing those class holiday parties. Those things were the bomb. I always gave the cute boy the best Valentine!]
Now that I'm older I've learned to deal with things better, but it's impossible to completely control. It's like trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze. Just not gonna happen. Telling someone with anxiety to relax [which isn't even the same thing] is seriously the equivalent of telling someone who gets allergies to just stop. Or someone who stutters to stop. Or someone who gets migraines to stop. You get the point.
You do what you can, then you deal with the rest the best way you know how.
Lately I've had quite a few things adding to my anxiety. If you don't want to be bored, please feel free to stop reading now. If you love being bored, you go ahead and grab that popcorn girl!
I'm anxious about my health. Lately I've had piercing migrains and I feel motion sick every day, for most of the day. It's like I'm on a roller coaster and can't get off. And my body just hurts. You probably wouldn't know that because I try not to complain, but I feel terrible most days.
I'm worried about school. Can I get it all done in time? Can I do well? Will it be worth it?
I'm anxious about being a wife. Am I doing good enough? Is Clint happy enough? Am I missing something? What should I be doing better?
I'm anxious about my job. Should I stay here? Should I take a pay cut and get some hands on experience in my field?
I'm anxious about my career. Can I get the much coveted internship? If I do, will we have to move for it? Will Clint be able to come with me? Will we have a baby? Will it even be possible? Will I spend years working toward something I won't be able to finish?
I'm anxious that one of my best friends is probably moving away in the near future. Insert big alligator tears here.
I'm anxious about being a mom. NO, I am not there yet. No announcement. But when the time comes will I be everything my child needs? I mean really, that's a huge responsibility! I just really want to give them the best.
I'm anxious about doing the right thing. Is it the best option for us to wait to have kids? I know getting an education and having a solid career is important, but being a mother is a thousand times more important. How do you find that balance?
Basically, I think the thing I am anxious about the most is just being enough.
Do you ever worry about being enough?
All those silly worries being said, I find great comfort.
I know that I'm a child of God. I know that he loves me. I'm grateful to know that. I know that he is mindful of me and what I have going on. I know that He will take care of me. I know I am in good hands. He is aware of every single mistake I make, and he still loves me more than I can imagine. Aren't we supposed to be working towards becoming more like Him?
I know that if I could see me as He sees me, I would never wonder if I'm enough again.
Think about that!
I am also so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing, wonderful, incredible husband. I love him more than I could ever say.
I might have cried like a little baby during our first dance. And I might be crying right now thinking about how I couldn't be more blessed to spend forever with such a sweetheart.
He's my soft place to land.
He's my teammate. My best friend. I know we can get through anything together.
Yeah, I'm crazy about that boy!
All in all, it's been a rough last few days, but I am incredibly blessed in so many ways.