My Experience with Post Partum Depression

This is really scary for me.

And embarrassing.
And scary.

Post Partum Depression is hard enough for me to say out loud, let alone write about for the world to see. 

I've felt like I should write about this for a long time, but now sitting down to actually do it, I have a knot in my stomach. Now people are really going to know. Will they think of me differently?

A big part of me feels like dealing with this right now decreases my worth.

According to the CDC website, PPD effects 10-15% of women....and that's just the cases they know about.

I know a lot of people who have had babies. I only know of three people who have had PPD. I don't think this means the statistic is wrong, I think most people just aren't willing to talk about. 

It's hard. 

At a time where I should be happiest, I'm fighting an internal battle with these emotions that don't make sense. 

I don't mean to sound dramatic.

I feel like I should write my experience with it. It could help someone. It could help me (undoubtedly). I didn't know of anyone who had had PPD before getting pregnant and maybe if I had, it would have helped to know that I wasn't alone. 

I think my PPD started the day Ainsley was born. I didn't go into a lot of details in my post about Ainsley's birth, but it was a traumatic experience for me. I hope I don't scare anyone, I'm just trying to be honest. The day Ainsley was born I was in so much pain that it was difficult to think about anything else. That, of course, triggered guilt that I wasn't bursting with happiness like I thought I should be. I was still happy she was here. I was still overwhelmed with love for her, but it was different. 

I don't even know how to get started. There's so many things I feel have attributed to my PPD. 

The first few months were...hard. Ainsley was not a good sleeper or eater and, as I remember it, spent most of her time screaming. It was never diagnosed by a doctor, but she fit the criteria for being colicky. I wasn't making enough milk (probably in part due to massive amounts of stress) and she was always hungry, which made me feel inadequate. Clint was only able to take one day off of school for her birth and was already in over his head so I was on my own when it came to taking care of this little body with  extremely strong lungs. When she was two weeks old, my brother got into a life threatening paragliding accident. My family rushed to see him in California in the Intensive Care Unit where he would spend more than the next two months of his life. The social worker just told us it was bad and we should all make it out to see him as soon as possible. My family left the night we got the phonecall, but with a husband in school and a two week old baby and healing of my own, I had to stay behind. My parents and brothers were in California whenever possible, coming home only a few days here and there to work. My sister was already living in California about an hour away from the hospital my brother was staying at. My family was there, I was here. I wanted to be able to be with my family. I wanted to see my brother and tell him I loved him. We really really didn't think he would make it. I think it was about 2.5 months before he was taken off the breathing machine and we were sure he would live. Even just writing this I can't keep it together. I can't tell you how devastating it is to be a state away, living every day unsure if your brother would make it to the next. I'm not trying to make myself the victim here. This is probably the biggest trial my brother will have and I still can't imagine what he's going through. I know my struggles relating to his accident are nothing in comparison to his, but I still feel it added to my PPD and that's what I'm trying to address here. I was so sleep deprived I was literally hallucinating. Ainsley would only sleep when held a certain way which didn't allow me to sleep. I felt like I was living a nightmare. Breastfeeding was painful. I almost gave up about fifty times. Almost every time I fed her I would cry from pain and frustration. Not to mention, I was also trying to heal from over two hours of pushing. Everything was really taking a toll on our marriage too. Clint and I didn't have time for each other, and we both grew to resent each other a little for that (which we have since resolved). 

Basically, I feel like there was a lot that attributed to why I got PPD aside from those nasty little devils called hormones. 

So how did it effect me? Mostly just on the inside. I've never felt more worthless, which makes no sense. I was doing the best thing I possibly could with my time, what God intended for me to do, but I felt like dirt. That's part of why PPD is so frustrating. It makes no sense. You think, "hey, this should be the happiest time in my life right now! I'm so blessed to have a healthy baby!" but really, you feel like a failure worth less than the onsie your newborn is wearing. The other part that makes no sense, is I was still happy during this time. I feel like I could give two completely different recounts of my first three months and both would be true. For example, I was being completely honest when I wrote this post. On one hand, I was filled with joy, happiness, purpose, and loved my baby more than I could imagine. On the other, I felt worthless, hopeless, depressed, and still loved my baby more than I could imagine. That part stays the same. Part of the reason this is so hard to share is because I feel like it might give people the impression that I love my baby less or that I'm chosing to be negative and not enjoy this time. I'm actually puting a lot of effort into trying to feel happier. It definitely helps, but it only goes so far. I am enjoying this time with Ainsley, but it takes a lot of effort and things are still difficult. 

I just haven't felt like myself. After a blogger meetup earlier this month, I came home and cried to my husband because I just feel so awkward...out of place...and not myself. Some people have told me they haven't noticed much of a difference, but there's always the possibility (a strong one) they're trying to be nice. Either way, I don't feel the same inside. I think that's a huge reason that I'm having such a hard time with my body right now. Yeah, I've posted about my post partum body issues a million times, I know. Maybe the reason I feel so awful about my body is that I'm trying to find a reason I feel so bad inside. I think that's true for a lot of people who have body issues. I feel like if my body was different, I'd feel different about myself. While pride absolutely comes from putting a reasonable amount of effort into your appearance, I think most of our confidence should come from inside. Easier said than done, right? 

Another way PPD has effected me is paranoia. The first two months or so was the worst. I constantly thought someone was trying to break in and hurt Ainsley. I would run through scenario after scenario all day of what I would do. I was always worried she'd spontaneiously stop breathing (although that still worries me sometimes). I worried that crying around her was going to give her some kind of issues as an adult. I was always worried about her growth. I was worried with every sudden sound and movement she made. I'm getting better at letting things go, but it has taken a lot of effort and a lot of communication (read: prayer) with Heavenly Father to help me. 

Then there's the guilt. Ah....the guilt. The guilt that I had to lay down my crying baby for 3 minutes so I could use the restroom. The guilt that I had to supplement with formula for a week (sidenote: I don't think anyone who uses formula is bad! I wanted to breastfeed, and when I thought I wasn't able to, it felt like I was failing). There was guilt of not having the house completely clean because she could catch a disease. I felt guilty that I wasn't fitting into this new role effortlessly. I thought I would only be able to handle having one child and I felt guilty for that. There was guilt for not inviting people over to see her (the reason I didn't invite people over wasn't because I didn't want them to see her, but because I already felt so overwhelmed). I felt guilty every time I cried. I felt guilty for looking like I got struck by lightning. I felt guilty for not being a good wife. I felt guilty every time I felt guilty. 

I don't want this to be a sob story. I want to be constructive. I hope that someone who has felt the way I described above will feel comfort knowing that they aren't alone. 

 The advice I would give to others struggling with PPD is to stay close to God and other things that give you purpose and lift you up. Take the time to nurture your marriage. Know that you are enough. That child is yours for a reason. No one could be a better mom to your baby. Don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself. Get as much sleep as possible. Try to eat well. Put a reasonable amount of effort into getting ready for the day- this may mean just putting on mascara. Recognize that it's okay to struggle and it's okay to not feel the same as your other fifty mom friends who seem to get the greatest joy from mountains of laundry and wiping spit up off their shirts (more power to them!). For goodness sakes break down and buy yourself a pair of pants that actually fits! Be nice to yourself. As much as you want to hide under your covers in bed, get out. Put on a bra (okay, so that one's not so fun). Take yourself out to lunch. Watch a movie during your 12 daily breastfeeding sessions. Remember that this time you have right now is not forever. They grow so fast. Try to focus and enjoy your days with them. Be present. Push out the bad thoughts about yourself. 

And if all else fails, you can write me an e-mail and vent about everything :) You know this sista will help you out! 

p.s. Thank you to everyone who has been so loving and kind to me these past few months. It has meant a lot. 

Really? Another Post about after-baby-body?

Lately I've been thinking about doing outfit posts. I'll never be a fashion blogger, but just a post here and there. I thought it might help my self esteem which seems to be at an all time low. I know, that sounds vain. But I don't think I'm the only one who feels better about themselves when they look presentable and knowing I'd be taking pictures would give me motivation to put some effort into my appearance. 

Yesterday was my first try. First you should know that it was super awkward because as soon as we stepped outside to take a few shots, so did our neighbor amd I could feel him staring at me. Aside from that, I was feeling pretty good yesterday. 

Then I saw the photos. 

Let's just say they had the opposite effect I was hoping for! 

This is the only photo I hated least enough to post. 

 I know. I sound really dramatic. Sorry. I know that it's silly I'm having such a hard time adjusting to my new body. In the grand scheme of things, it matters little to nothing what you look like. I just feel like I'm doing all I can and I'm not seeing any changes. In the past three months of working out and eating right I haven't lost a pound. I don't care how many people think weight loss is all calories, it's not. If there's one thing I learned in my four years studying nutrition it's that losing weight is really hard. Exercise and nutrition can play a huge role, but hormones and metabolism aren't just made up words. And I'm getting really tired of catching people staring at my stomach trying to figure out if I'm pregnant again....okay that happened once. But still! Give a sister a break! 

 I know having this beautiful little girl should be enough. Feeling bad about how I look doesn't effect how much I love her, but I still want better for her. I want her to have a good example of a confident mother. If she ever thought the way about herself that I feel about myself right now, it'd break my heart. I want to teach her to be confident. I decided that instead of putting all my effort into losing weight (which I still plan to keep exercising and eating well), I need to put more effort into just accepting how things are right now. It's more important that I'm nursing my baby and trying to do what's best for her, right? I know I sound ridiculous. Please be patient with me! 

I shouldn't be too concerned. Really though, who is going to be looking at me when I'm toting around this little beauty?

 And then she hit me in the face.

(not kidding)

I like her. 

My Dreams Came True

This last weekend Clint, Ainsley and I packed up and left for California. 

It was a trip well deserved. 

We were celebrating Clint's graduation, my graduation, our anniversary, Mother's Day, and overall just still being alive after this past year or so. 

Spending all day with my two favorite people was a dream come true! 

We stayed with my sister and her family which was awesome since we miss the heck out of them since they moved a year and a half ago.

We ate lots of good food, played on the beach, played at the park, had a bonfire on the beach, and my sister and I even got to go shopping without any kids for the first time (that I can remember) in over five years! 

We only took some photos at the beach, so feast yer eyes!

(we also watched Brave)

 Clint and Josh suiting up for surfing....and an adorable little girl...and boy!

 Jenna and Josh making eyes at each other

 Max wanted to surf with the big boys!

 Poor little guy

 This picture makes me laugh. He's so cute!

 My hottie sister and Ainsley

 The waves weren't great but the boys did good!

 Me and Ainsley just chilled on the beach and mostly tried not to get sunburned! We were successful! I love my little beach baby. It was so fun to have her along on this trip.

 Just the coolest family ever. If you don't have red hair in your family I feel bad for you.

 Just the cutest baby ever mad chillin on the beach!

 CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT FACE?!???

 My sister watched Ainsley for a few hours so Clint and I could walk along the beach together and browse some shops. I can't believe how lucky I am so have such a kick butt husband! He's also easy on the eyes, eh?

My cute family! I finally broke down and bought some pants that fit (as my Mother's Day gift to myself!) and as you can see by the big stain on them, motherhood has already taken their toll on them. But man, I wish I would have done this sooner. Even though I don't love how I look in them, it feels SO nice to have pants that fit! I finally feel like I have an outfit that I don't look frumpy in. It was a good investment!

We had such a great time. I'm a big believer that vacations and doing fun, quality things together is an investment into the family relationships. After such a hard year, it was so nice to get to spend time enjoying my family and doing fun things together. I'm so blessed to be a wife and mother to these two. I wouldn't have it any other way! 

Giveaway Winner

Clint and I had an AMAZING weekend in California!

Ainsley says it was aiight although she especially enjoyed the food.

(photo taken after church on Mother's day)

Our trip was full of beachage, little kidlets, good food, and even better company. BUT, that's another post for another day. 

The winner of the Concious Box giveaway is (via random number generator)....

Alexis! 

(No, it's not me. Although I wish it was)

Alexis, I will send you an e-mail now! Congratulations! And have a wonderful Summer on the beach with your little man. I hope you enjoy your awesome prize. I'm honestly giddy for mine to come. I'll let you all know when mine arrives!

Hope you all have an awesome day. I'm going to dream about being back at the beach while trying to tackle the mountains of laundry that somehow always accompany a vacation. 

The time I posted pictures sooner than 6 months later

Yesterday Clint finished his last final of his undergraduate career. Yeah, I said last. 

Sigh...seems like only yesterday I was in his shoes. 

We joke that since I got to "carry" Ainsley at my graduation (38 weeks pregnant) Clint should get to carry her too. We're all kinds of funny. 

This semester has been tough, to say the least. I've had to cope with raising a newborn practically on my own and adjusting to this whole parent thing has been tough. Clint has had to balance finishing his last semester of school while balancing the whole "I'm a dad" thing. 

Basically, we're really excited it's over. 

Last night we went out to celebrate with our good friends, Josh and Marcy. 

We went out for Thai, obviously. 

 Green curry for me, rama pork for Clint, and some tasty Bmilk for Ainsley pot.

 If you haven't been to Mint Thai off Gilbert and Guadalupe, you need to. It's all kinds of legit.

I'm so proud of my husband for finishing school. He has worked so hard. And to be honest, I kind of feel more proud of myself for getting through this semester than my own last semester! I cannot stress enough that it's been hard. I'm looking forward to the next billion years with my husband not involving school. The next chapter of our life is a mystery. We don't know what job Clint will get, where we will be moving (cross your fingers he gets the rotational program in Barcelona!), if I will be working, when and if more babies will be coming. We don't know a lot, but I'm pretty excited for whatever the future has to hold with these two. 

A million nicknames and a thing about Instagram

I say instagram weird. 

In my head it sounds like Iztagrayyyym.

I guess I'm just cool like that. 

Lately Instagram has kind of taken the place of blogging. BOO. Boo on you, Instagram. Boo on you for appealing to my lazy side and allowing me to "document" my life in 60 seconds or less. 

See, instead of blogging and telling you that I went to Babies R Us to get big girl 8oz bottles for that child of mine and wandered for over an hour lookin a fool because I couldn't decide which ones to get, I instagram it. One and Done. See, now I speak in baby ads. That's a brand of Huggies wipes. One and Done. Heaven help me. I am drowning in diapers and ridiculously cute miniature girl human clothes. Not going to lie though. I kind of like it. 

See. 

There I go again. 

Did you know that ADD is the most, do you want a cracker?

Back to the Instagram thing. Basically, I'm trying to be better at blogging. I don't make promises though. So you should follow me so we can all be friends. My usename is alexisks

Onto my second item of business. I was just wondering if anyone else who has produced one of these mini human things has as many nicknames for theirs as I have for mine. 

Allow me to demonstrate. 

This is Ainsley. 

Sometimes known as Ainsley pot, Ainsley cakes, Monkey, Monkey bones, little monkey, Stinky pot, Angel pot, Angel cakes, Angel baby, Sweet girl, Baby girl, Love muffin, Aisy, Ainsy girl, Squishy pants, Angry pants, Crazy bones, Punkin head, Sweet Pea, fuzzy, Lil Monster, da babe, Crazy pants, Cutie Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Pumpy-can, Stink Monster, Baby Love, Squack box, Squeaker pants, Sister, Sista friend, and occasionally, Ainsley Mae. 

Ohshezsoooocyoooot!!!!!!!!!!!

I love her, I love her and I don't care who knows it!

p.s. I settled on the Dr. Brown's bottles. 

p.p.s. scroll down to enter a killer giveaway.

Make your momma proud

I majored in nutrition in college.

You knew that. 

Something I feel strongly about is that the closer you can get to natural, the better. As genetic modification goes up, nutrition goes down. Basically, mother nature knows what she's doing. 

Since having my cute little baby...

(c'mon, you knew there'd be a photo of her at some point in this post)

I've been more conscious about keeping other things natural as well, especially cleaning products. I don't consider myself a tree hugger, but I'm also not a cancer proponent. The chemicals just aren't good for us, yo! 

When Conscious Box contacted me about doing a giveaway I was really excited. I know a lot of my readers are fans of sustainability and just overall good health! This company is AWESOME. 

Conscious Box is dedicated to introducing you to the most ethical, sustainable, and honest businesses that create the purest products available. We scour the marketplace to find those that stand above the rest. Discovery defines the Conscious Box experience. source

How does it work? You subscribe on their website (month to month, three months at a time, and a year at a time options available) and receive a variety of the highest quality, pure products. They carry products varying from food to beauty and cleaning products. This allows you to branch out to try new things. Additionally, you receive discounts to purchase your favorites from the box. Mother's day gift, anyone? :) 

The winner will receive a one month subscription to Conscious box. You guys. You want this. Who says no to free food? Or free anything? I know I don't.

It's a great chance to try out an ethical company with a lot to offer. 

To enter, leave a comment with your e-mail and tell me something fun you plan to do this Summer. The giveaway will end Tuesday, May 14th and the winner will be announced the next day. You must respond to my e-mail within 48 hours. If not, another winner will be chosen. This giveaway is limited to U.S. residents and followers of this blog. 

To show your support, head on over to "like" their facebook page. You can also create a free account on their website. I would also encourage you to follow them on instagram at consciousbox. They post comparasins between their products and common products typically consumed like this one. I, for one, think they're pretty interesting. 

So get crackin' sister. Win yourself some free Conscious Box and make your momma proud!