Before I had been through a miscarriage, I could imagine that it would be an intensely difficult thing to go through. However, imagining what it would feel like and actually going through it are worlds apart.
I previously couldn't comprehend the deep sense of loss that comes every day. It's gotten easier to function, but the intense feeling of loss is still very present. Sometimes it'll hit me at the most random times. Last night I cried for a solid hour just because I wanted to hold my baby. I miss my baby. A lot. I only made it to week 8 of my pregnancy but I felt of that baby's spirit and I loved it (him, I think). As much as I dislike how my body handles pregnancy, I miss feeling that connection. It's gone.
For the most part, I really have been doing well. I get up, show up, and complete a respectable amount of the things on my to-do list (never ALL of them. I'm not super woman!). It's still hard. It's so difficult for me to not be able to plan things like this and to really relinquish my control to Heavenly Father. Previously, I thought I was in control of when I have a baby. I realize now how wrong I was and how reliant I am on God. It's a good thing to remember our powerlessness so we can put even more trust in Him.
I'm also so conflicted about not being ready to be pregnant again (emotionally, physically, mentally) and my intense desire and readiness for a baby. My hormones haven't normalized out yet though so it's not even an option yet. I've always struggled with not knowing things like this! It makes me crazy! Anyone have a magic 8 ball laying around?
However, in the meantime, I'm really focused on pouring my energies into constructive areas. I've been doing lots of organization projects, having adventures with Ainsley, exercising at least 5 times a week, and trying to get back into the swing of things. I get very sick in my pregnancies so I just do the minimum to scrape by. I'm trying to enjoy actually being able to cook dinner and go to the store and chase around Ainsley.
One of my biggest goals in life is just to focus on loving every stage. That's where my focus is right now.
"Peace is not the absence of trouble but the presence of Christ."