After Clint read my blog about my miscarriage story, he said he hadn't realized how mad at God I was. I was mad at Him. Really, really mad. I really think it's okay to be angry with God. I feel very strongly that emotions aren't bad and we are emotional beings for a reason! What's important is how we use our emotions.
For example, it's okay to be upset with your spouse. Actually, you'd be an alien if you never had some degree of conflict in your marriage. But, when you turn to your spouse and work through the issue together, it brings you closer together.
In my opinion, the same is true with our relationship to Heavenly Father.
In both cases, anger can cause separation or greater closeness. What makes the difference is where (who) we turn to. I fully believe that you can be angry with God while keeping your trust and faith in Him. Through my frustrations and anger, I've turned toward my Heavenly Father and it has strengthened our relationship.
A few days ago, I was reading in Helaman 11 in my scriptures. Nephi, a righteous prophet, pleads with the Lord to replace their gory war with a famine. Heavenly Father shows mercy and agrees to Nephi's request. The people suffer through the famine, remember God, repent, and are eventually blessed with rain.
My bitterness has subsided in the last two weeks, but in the thick of it, I couldn't understand how Heavenly Father could have done this to me despite the fact that I was doing the right things! In my previous post, I wrote how I felt like I was being tricked. That Heavenly Father told me what to do, I obeyed, and He watched me fall. I couldn't understand why that would happen.
After reading of this story in the Book of Mormon, I have a different perspective. I feel that Heavenly Father replaced my war with a famine. This was my famine. Had I not been faithful, my trial would have been much worse. Having a miscarriage was my famine. There's no way of knowing but my war would have been, but I'm glad I don't have to know.
I feel like my words are falling flat, but this is a huge lesson for me to learn.
My prayers and fasting were not in vain. I was shown mercy.
I wonder how many other times in my life that I had been upset with God when He was really showing compassion on me. Doing the right things is never in vain.
Just like the people in Helaman 11 needed the famine to set them back on the right course, I think we all need constant reminders. That's why life is so hard. Trials teach us humility. We come closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ when we can't do it on our own. In this situation, I couldn't do it on my own. Even through I wouldn't chose to go through this again, my testimony has been strengthened. Even though I don't know the alternatives, I'm grateful for the mercy that was shown to me.