Today I had my 16-week doctor's appointment. It was such a relief. I don't think pregnancy will ever be the same after having a miscarriage. Those first weeks especially were so scary. I hate to say this, but getting a positive pregnancy test wasn't even exciting this time because I now know that a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean you get a baby. The reality of a miscarriage is too real now. I've also had really bad cramping my entire pregnancy (the doctor says everything is fine) which has made it even more difficult to relax. The weeks leading up to my first appointment were really difficult. It was actually a big step backwards, emotionally, to be pregnant again. It increased my anxiety and it was...every day was just scary because I didn't know. And because I had no indications last time that the baby had passed, I had no indication that things would be okay. I tried to bond to the baby and feel connected but I just couldn't.
However, there were some good things too. It was really healing to go into that first appointment and see a heartbeat. I was incredibly grateful. I will never take pregnancy and especially hearing a heartbeat for granted again. Ah, what a sweet sound that is! At this point I feel pretty relaxed about things. I feel peace. I'm so grateful for Heavenly Father for this opportunity.
As far as the pregnancy goes, it's been much better than my pregnancy with Ainsley. At this point with her I had lost 15 pounds, was on multiple anti-vomiting medications, and had to get IVs several times- not to mention I was functioning at about 2% which basically just means existing and throwing up! This pregnancy has still been difficult. I hate most food most of the time (trust me, it sounds more appealing than it is). I am still on anti-vomiting medications and even still throw up several times a day most days. The nausea is constant. I don't sleep very well (despite the insane fatigue) and I'm already feeling the acid reflux and back pain. The headaches are intense. Basically, pregnancy is just hard work.
Despite all of that, I can't adequately express my gratitude. It takes every ounce of me, but I'm still able to be a mother to Ainsley and keep up with my basic duties. This was one of my biggest fears before getting pregnant. I didn't want her to miss out on having a mom for 9+ months and turn our lives into complete chaos. I'm grateful I'm not as sick as I was when I was pregnant with Ainsley. Although I've had to lower my standards a lot for cleanliness and tidiness in my home, things are fine. I don't do much extra, but I'm able to do the bare minimum which is cause for celebration! I'm able to do what I need to AND grow a healthy baby. Life is good.
Ainsley is going to be such a great big sister. Clint and I are ecstatic to see her in this new role. She is so naturally nurturing. She is so sweet to her dolls and loves to feed them, change their diapers, rock them, and lay them in their cribs. It melts me. She's also so concerned about others. Today at my doctor's appointment, they were taking my blood pressure and temperature. She didn't know what was going on, but she tried to comfort me. She held my hand and said, "It's okay Momma. Don't worry" over and over. She has a sensitive soul and I think that will serve her well in life. She genuinely loves everyone. She will randomly point to my belly and say, "It's a baby in da tummy!" I don't think she understands, but I think she's still excited!
We are so excited to add to our family! Thank you for sharing our joy!