Friday, March 22, 2013

This post has no title.

Sometimes coming up with a title for every post is just too much to ask for.

This is my sweet baby. Isn't she cute? This was about a month ago. She's growing so fast! I can't keep up.

The adjustment to motherhood has been going better lately. I'm forming a routine which is helping. Every day we get out of the house in some way or another. We either go for long walks, run errands, or go to one of my friends' house. Lucky for me, I have about a hundred friends who just happened to have had babies around the same time as me. It's so funny to watch Ainsley stare at other babies.

She's growing so fast. She's growing so fast. She's growing so fast!!!!!!!! Sorry have I said that before? It's true. She doesn't even feel like a newborn any more. She has just started to be interested in toys. She has started batting at them. It's amazing the sense of pride you feel for your baby. The first time she batted at the toy I was so excited and smiling and telling her good job and she was just staring up at me like it ain't no thang.

Emotionally, the adjustment is still hard. I hate to admit that things are hard because I don't want it to come off as me not enjoying motherhood or even worse, loving my child less. Everything with regards to her is wonderful. I'm crazy about her and she brings so much happiness. It's still a big adjustment to give up pursuing a career for changing diapers. The sleep deprivation is one of the hardest parts. She's still up every two hours. Before you tell me to read Babywise, know that I've already read it. It didn't work for us. I talked to her pediatrician and she said it's still totally common for babies to be up this frequently to eat. Plus, she's now in the 95th percentile for height, 75th for weight, and 85th for head. The doctor says she's growing amazingly quickly! She's gained about 4 pounds in a month! Plus I'm still working on adjusting to this whole new life. It's weird to feel like I'm still me, while living a life completely different from what I was doing three months ago. It's hard to describe other than to say I just feel like I'm in a funk. Being a mom is hard, but I still love it and I still wouldn't change it.

The weight loss has been tough. I lost a bunch in the beginning and was super happy about it. The problem is that I figured the rest of the weight would fall off just as easily. I have about 11 pounds that just won't go away. I'm not doing anything crazy to lose the weight. Just trying to eat well, cut out sweets except for a few little exceptions on the weekends, exercise, breastfeed, etc. I have only lost two pounds in the last two months. The most frustrating thing is getting dressed. It's not uncommon to go through 10 outfits before I find one that only kind of works. I say dressing yourself after having a baby is much harder than while pregnant. When you're pregnant the belly is supposed to be there and it's round and cute. Now my belly is a big pile of mush that keeps moving after I've stopped. Nothing fits well and I don't exactly have the money for a whole new wardrobe. I try to remind myself of the miracle my body just performed two and a half months ago, but I'd be lying if I said I was totally happy with what I saw in the mirror right now.

I haven't said anything on here yet about this but my brother was in a serious paragliding accident almost two months ago. He has been in ICU since and isn't doing so well. I feel like it's taken away some of the joy and happiness that would normally be here with a new baby. It seems like it would be impossible to not be depressed on some level with something so sad going on in your life. I can't explain what it's like to see someone you love so much suffer. You want to take away what they're going through but at the same time it's not a trial you'd wish on yourself in a million years. My heart physically hurts when I think about what he is going through. Prayers are always appreciated and I fully believe they've contributed to the miracles we've seen so far.

So there's a quick scatter-brained update. Life is crazy but overall there's a lot to be thankful for.


Denise said...

Praying for your brother, Alexis!

Sean and Deana said...

Praying for your Brother. I can't imagine but I know Heavenly Father is there for you and your family.

As for the weight loss. I didn't lose the last 9lbs I had gained until after I was pregnant again a year after he was born. haha All that morning sickness really helped with the weight. Good luck with yours. You are amazing :)

Brooke said...

You are awesome Alexis, and I love how frank you are about this. I remember feeling a lot of these same things when I got married. It's so strange to go through huge life adjustments, and many times they can leave us feeling totally lost and thinking "I don't know who I am anymore!!" Good for you for being strong and maintaining a positive attitude. I really admire that about you. I will be praying for your brother and sweet family!

Ali Mills said...

I love you so much! PLEASE text me if you need ANYTHING! My thoughts and prayers are with your brother and his family, and you as well.

Emma Ashby said...

I hate thinking of titles as well. And seriously, when I first heard about your brother I just thought about how hard that must be in conjunction with having a new baby and everything. I am still praying for him and for all of your wonderful family. I can not even begin to imagine what you all are going through. And the weight loss is tough! Although I stink at changing my diet and stuff. I'm getting close to my pre-pregnancy weight but I'm just so bad at motivating myself to stick to a healthy diet. I need to get serious about eating healthier and working out more and stop making excuses. It is so hard to do when you are exhausted though. I feel like every time Holland and I are on a schedule something upsets it {like being sick last week and then Holland being sick this week}. Also I totally understand how you feel about not wanting to admit that things are hard because you feel like then people think you don't enjoy motherhood or love your child. I'm sure that's mostly in our heads least I hope that people wouldn't judge someone for that! Motherhood is a hard adjustment and it's just a new time in life where you have to discover who you are all over again. I kind of think it's funny when people say to wait to get married or have kids or whatever until you have really discovered who you are just because in a lot of ways who you are changes which each of those new titles you add {wife, mother, etc.} so we are always discovering who we are. Anyway, now that I wrote a novel I just want you to know that I think you are amazing and I only wish that I lived in AZ so we could hang out all the time! I don't have nearly enough friends up here to hang out with!

Gillian Mohlman said...

girl, the first time I went shopping for clothes after I had mia, I literally cried the whole time. It was so depressing. My body will probably never be the same. My hips never went back. My boobs stayed huge. It was so hard to see the size number 12 on my jeans. I literally cried and never wanted to step foot in a clothing store for myself again. I totally understand how you feel.

And yes, motherhood is a huge adjustment. Its WAY hard. We are used to tending to ourselves most of the time but all the sudden a baby comes along and you hardly even have time to shower! Just remember that the house does NOT need to be spotless. You dont have to cook every single day. You can have left overs. or a quick easy sandwich. It doesnt matter if your hair is in a pony tail, or you have no makeup on. Or if you even got out of your pajamas that day. Although those things do make us feel better occasionally- What I have learned so far is that what matters is that your sweet baby is getting all your love and attention. God trusted us to take care of his special children. It takes a lot of work to take care of a child but I cannot tell you how many times I have looked back over Mia's one year so far and just cried to think at how lucky I am. Through all the sleepless nights and stinky diapers and breastfeeding trials- it has been SO worth it. And it's OKAY to feel overwhelmed or even sad or depressed at times. That doesn't mean you dont love your baby. That means you DO love her, and you want what is best for her. And right now, you are figuring out what that is.

You are an amazing mom from what I can tell already. Keep telling it like it is. You know I like the real stuff. Makes me feel better. :)

Kelsey said...

Love this post. While reading I was just nodding my head at everything! Weight loss,the emotional side of things- I feel it all right there with ya girl!
I've kept your brother in my prayers. I'm so sorry about what happened, and can only imagine the toll it's taking on you. Love ya! Call or text if you ever want to get together.
Keep your chin up, you're amazing!

The ArgentineHudson said...

I love that you write about what everyone is thinking.
FIrst time mom-tough AMAZING but tough
Weightloss- its frustrating all around

katilda said...

I wish I had something long and insightful to say about everything you just expressed, but I guess the most I can say is that it all sounds very real and legitimate and....I validate you for feeling you the way you do. Not that you needed my validation, but it's the best thing I could think to say :) I'm sure you are doing the best you can, and your'e allowed to feel what you feel, good and bad. Feelings are just feelings, and you can be honest about them. I'm so sorry your brother isn't doing well. I hope things can start looking up in that area!

Courtney B said...

Still praying for your brother!!
And good heavens... the whole post baby body issue is a hard one to overcome! I knew I wouldn't ever be "normal" again but the adjustment of being so squishy is frustrating. But you are GORGEOUS and no one notices our imperfections like we do. Plus, I've noticed people don't even give me the time of day. It's all about Mia :) Thank goodness for our cute babies!
4 pounds in a month?! CRAZY! Are you still nursing her?