Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It's true.

I'm not always happy.

Today is one of those days.

Where your eyes water up probably ten times in the day, but you never actually start crying.

No. Of course not. That will surely hit you as soon as you're alone. You have to take into account the fact that you haven't been alone since 7:30 in the morning. After a 14 hour day, it'll probably hit you in the solitude of your car. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.

It's very possible, probable even, that at least part is due to those nasty monthly female hormones. If removing Aunt Flow from the family was possible, I would so do it.

Anyway. Today I was in class. Surprise right? As I looked around in my Medical Nutrition Therapy of apx 70 students, I did not know a single name. I slightly recognized one face. I had an overwhelming feeling of lonliness come over me. I've been lucky enough to make some very close very awesome friends in my 3 years in nutrition at ASU, and now, they're all ahead of me in our program. It's a new set of faces. I know it sounds silly, but regardless, it's still how I feel. And I feel alone. And left out.

Several people have asked me what year in college I am.

Confession time.

I still say I'm a senior.

Not for the intentions of being decietful, but the thought of saying "I'm a Junior," {AGAIN} makes me sick to my stomach. The words just don't even come. That, and it's a heckuva a lot quicker than giving them a long story about how I had to drop out of school last semester from meningitis and it was kinda traumatic. Mostly, I just hate talking about it. When I talk about it, I remember those feelings. I remember crying in my hospital bed because I couldn't even get my own glass of water, let alone continue with my 14 hour work and school days. Being sick is a helpless feeling. Not to mention, it's freakin expensive. Still feeling that consequence now.

I'm so frustrated. I told Clint I wanted to drop out of school. Out of all the times I've said that in the last 3 years, this is the first time I've actually meant it. The end seems so far away now. So completely impossible. Yes, I realize it's 15 months left vs. 8 months. That might not seem that far away for you. But I bet if you were, oh, I don't know, being tortured and held hostage and they told you you only had 8 months, you'd probably be pretty unhappy when they extended it to 15. Just sayin. You go ahead and correct me if I'm wrong. I know it's not decades, but it sure feels like it. Now before you freak out and give me your pep talks about how I should stay in school, I'm gonna go ahead and save you the trouble and tell you that I know you're right. I'm still planning on continuing with school, but it's taking everything I have in me right now. Because you know why? School is hard. Biochemistry is hard. Learning all the biochemical pathways of folic acid in your body is hard. Memorizing biochemical recations of vitamin C written in size 2 font that takes up a whole page is hard. Writing billion page research papers on medical journals you don't even understand in the first place is hard. It's really HARD.

But you know what? I can do hard things. Wish me luck. Or don't. Then I can just have the satisfaction of proving you wrong. Take your pick.
Okay, wow. Negative Nancy in the house. Just to prove I haven't turned into a total cynic. Here's a honeymoon picture for you.

I am capable of smiling, I promise.

This picture was taken when we were walking around the shops on our way to the luau. It was paradise. I want to go back NOW. Okay, maybe posting this picture was a really bad idea. Pack your bags Clint, we're going to Hawaii!


Jen said...

I <3 you. and you will do it. sometimes things happen and we don't understand why. I don't understand why my dad got the type of meningitis he did either, and like it did to you, it's stopped him from living the way he did before and we're going to be feeling the effects for a long time now. Especially since he likely has lasting brain damage. Why do these things happen and put us a step back? We don't know... but God does.. and there has to be a reason, no matter how much it doesn't seem like it now. Senior, junior.. whatever- you're still AWESOME :-)

LaynahRose said...

You can do hard things! <3

Katie said...

It IS easier to smile on your honeymoon :) But school will be worth it, promise. Especially if you are as smart as it sounds like you are. And I think we all have those days - I know I certainly do. Where you feel like you might burst if you have to wait even another second to start crying. But tomorrow is a brand new day, and that thought almost always makes me feel better :)

katielizabethawkes said...

you can do it peachcakes. pray and hang in there. i remember those days.....boy do i remember them. Now i struggle with the fact that i have THOSE days at work, and there's no "end" in sight. No "it'll just be 8 or 15 months" kind of thing. I'm not trying to downplay your situation by telling you the grass isn't greener on the other side...i'm just saying, i hear ya and sometimes it's just gotta be one day at a time. I'm constantly working on loving what i'm doing NOW, especially considering that i have no idea if/what i'll be doing NEXT. I hope this comment ended up at least semi-coherent.

MONICA said...

I know the feeling. After my mission I had to take a test to start back in nursing school where I left off. I didn't pass... barely. I had to redo a semester. No one wants to re do a semester of torture (nursing school). I cried alot and was so upset. Met some amazing people. Some people I'll never forget. It was hard too. They had already been in the same classes together and I was the odd man out. Took some time but by the end they were family. Hang it there:) You will see the reasons why for this, I did!!! Not for awhile though:)

Cindy said...

Awe Alexis :( I'm sorry today was one of those days. You can do hard things!! :) <3

I understand being a biology major trying to get into med school...it's not an easy road, but definitely do-able. You can achieve your dreams, I know it. :)