Saturday, May 7, 2011

A blog post about flatulance.

Oh. You thought I was kidding?
You're mistaken.

Recently, I have taken my relationship with Clint to a whole new level, unintentionally. It was a Sunday night. We were sitting on the couch reading, What I Wish We'd Known as Newlyweds, by John Bytheway. I'd highly reccomend it by the way. Haha, I'm so funny. So when we're reading about how to strengthen our marriage, I let out the tiniest "blip" of a fluf. I thought there was no way he had heard it, but his head quickly snapped over as if I had just told him I was an elephant criminal on a runaway mission to steal peanuts everywhere.
WAS THAT....?!
Thanks for not making a big deal about it babe! His eyes lit up with excitement! [He thought this really was the first time I had farted around him. He doesn't know how talented I am at the silent and scentless "air bubbles".] He was seriously so happy and I was seriously surprised. He just laughed and smiled and told me how proud of me he was.
CAN YOU DO THAT AGAIN?!
I think the real reason he was so happy was because now he could more easily feel comfortable about farting around me. That somehow launched into a talk about his bathroom habits and he started telling me about his last few weeks experiences with the porcelain throne. He was serious but we both laughed the whole time.
Oh really? That sounds tough!

Then the other night he was walking me to my car and told me about how he was feeling pretty gassy. We had had Mexican food for dinner. Ask me how excited I am now that we're having Mexican food at our reception....! He was trying to get me to "release" so he could too. [I think the word fart is so weird. I prefer to get creative, hence "release".] I wouldn't. So he walked me to my car and as soon as I shut the door, with him still standing right in front of my door, I heard the
LONGEST
LOUDEST
Man toot I've heard in my entire life. I thought he was making the sound with his mouth until I looked up and saw that his mouth was clearly busy laughing uncontrolably. I wish you could have all seen his face. You all would be laughing too!
I'm just not gonna say anything about that.
Yeah I am.
Clint could totally out do anyone on there. So proud of my baby! Are all men so talented with flatulance?
Random tangent: One time I asked one of my friends what the hardest part about being married is. She said something about money priorities and we talked about that for a sec. Then she was like, AND HE HAS THE NASTIEST FARTS EVER!! I think I've joined the club!

Back to the story. Then he started telling me about some of the times where he let one loose and I didn't even know. On my birthday, he borrow backstreet boys cds from my best friends and popped them in as soon as I got in the car. We listened to them really loud.
Remember when we were listening to Backstreet Boys?! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!
So now I know that if we're in the car and he turns up the music really loud or unrolls the windows randomly, it's not just by chance. Smooth moves bud!  

fyi, the following information is given with the permission and even encouragement of Clint. :)

11 comments:

Gentri said...

Oh my goodness!! Hahahahhaa! I love that you wrote an entrie post about tooting. hahaha! Oh goodness. :) I'm so glad you guys are now comfortable with eachother in that sense. Haha!

Emma said...

That is so funny! I guess you have joined the club.

Although, I will say this:

Husband and I NEVER talk of such things. We lock the doors behind us in the bathroom. We do not talk to eachother whilst bathroom practices occur.

I used to be able to say that we had never "released" in front of eachother...but I messed that up a few weeks ago! How sad! We laughed about it for a minute and then went on our merry "no bathroom talking" ways.

To this date I have never heard Husband fart.

In my opinion, there should be a little mystery to a marriage. I would recommend that you guys don't watch eachother go pee etc. I think that is totally weird. Yes you should feel comfortable with eachother...but really?

This stems from watching the spouses of friends and family fart on their wives or boast of farting in bed. I think that is repulsive and I am glad that Husband is kind enough to realize my feminine sensibilities! :)

But at least the worst is over. He now knows you are not a robot or delicate flower--you are human! It was bound to happen someday!

Aimee

Cassie Nafziger said...

Oh my gosh!!! I smiled the entire time I read this! I remember when I thought Cory "tooting" was funny...now I just get annoyed, unless he says something funny afterward or makes a funny face. Be careful..he may get too comfy about "releasing" around you, lol!

ashley.warner said...

hahahahahah
I think you've reached the ULTIMATE LEVEL of comfortablitiy (is that even a word) with your significant other (whether it be a spouse, boyfriend, or fiance) when you can fart, "release", toot, or pass gas in front of them.

I don't even think I've done that before. It's just AWKWARD haha but now you're there...the level of comfortability! hooray!

oh and ps, you have an AWARD waiting for you on my blog.

love ya!

Kimberlee said...

Too funny. Seriously the first two years of my husbands and my marriage I carried around a bottle of air freshner. He'd fart, I'd spray. We went through that stuff faster than milk and eggs. We've been married eight years now and I've given up. Although I have a very strict no farting at the dinner table rule. Because that's just gross.

Becca said...

bahahaha! Bryce always talked about “date gut” before we got married. he would hold them in forever until his guts hurt, lol! oh boys...

katielizabethawkes said...

this entire post pleases me immensely.

Nikki & Drew said...

alexis, I honestly don't think you'll think it's too funny once you get married. that boy has some HORRIBLE bathroom habits. I don't know how much he went into it with you but just get ready. I almost bought you guys two huge packs of TP just for him! make sure you'll fully stocked at all times.

Megan Clark said...

it took me forever to feel comfortable to "release" in front of david! but we are totally pass that stage!! its whatever, natural body functions (although his body functions are completely more stinky-er than mine!)
xoxo

ps.
don't know if you saw my comment after yours on my blog, but i would love to create a soul mates print for you!! i just need to know your symbols for each other :)

Jennifer said...

Haha. This was so incredibly funny! I didn't fart in front of Jonathan until after we were married. Poor guy.

Megan said...

How funny! This made me laugh! I have accidentally "released" in front of my husband, but we absolutely DO NOT just let them out for fun. Haha. One thing that our premarital counselor said that has stuck with me was "keep some mystery to your marriage." There is no need for hubby to start thinking I'm a nasty, dirty, smelly person. Haha.