Wednesday, January 8, 2014

One

Tomorrow is my sweet angel's last day of being a baby and I'm all kinds of emotional about it.
It doesn't help that I have zero family here to celebrate/mourn with. These are the times that distance is difficult.
 
The first six months of Ainsley's life were...horrible. I rather not rehash all those emotions, so you can look through old posts for that. In short, I feel like I missed out on the first half of her life. I feel guilty. I feel guilty I wasn't able to be the mom I wanted to be. I feel guilty that I didn't enjoy that time like I wish I had been physically, emotionally, and mentally able to.
 
Now that I am finally getting the hang of being a mother (not that I don't still have more bad days than I'd care to admit) and even loving being a mom, the baby stage is over. Just when I've gotten into the groove, we are switching tracks. I want to go back. I have just gotten used to having a baby, and all of a sudden I am about to have a toddler? I'm not ready for that ship to sail. Has no one invented a time machine yet?! Where's Doc when you need him!
 
However, I know growing up is inevitable.
Every new stage she has gone through has been my new favorite, and I have confidence this will continue.
I could never express my love for her or how incredible being a mother is. Some days I feel like a worthless, unimportant snot rag, but other days, I feel like I can move mountains. There are moments when I feel God's hand in my life, that I know raising children is a partnership with him. He knew Ainsley first, who better to teach me how to be her mother? I am so grateful to have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. It brings me more peace and clarity than any other knowledge could.
 
I guess the only choice I have is to soak up every single second I can. I wish I had the option to not blink any more so I wouldn't risk missing anything. I am really grateful I get to stay at home with her. I'm grateful to have such a supportive, loving, husband who believes I am an amazing mother.
 
I am more thankful thank I could express for my sweet, innocent, pure girl. I feel deep within myself that she is such a special soul and will do amazing things with her life. The responsibility to teach her and guide her to being the woman Heavenly Father has created her to be is something that I know will bring sleepless nights and many tears. But I love her. I love my Heavenly Father. And I love Him for trusting me with her. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart, but it is for anyone who wants to experience greater love, greater happiness, complete joy, and the hand of the Savior even more prominent in their lives.
Now excuse me while I go cry my eyes out. Someone stop time!


1 comment:

Camille @ Friday We're in Love said...

She's so darn cute, and so are you! You're an awesome person- friend, wife, mother- and she's lucky to have you!
And BTW your pictures are looking amazing, you are definitely talented!