I'm going to be vain today and talk about body image in pregnancy.
Honestly, I know I've said before how I was really feeling large. I did feel big, but I still felt like I was doing a good job and that I was still me.
A switch in me changed about two weeks ago and now I just feel extremely fat. Did you notice there have been no belly pictures lately? I don't know exactly what did it.
It could be that I've had extremely terrible swelling in my legs and feet.
I can't even wear normal shoes anymore. I'm outgrowing some of my maternity pants because they get too tight around my calves by the end of the day, but I'll be darned if I wear a skirt and show off my kankles. I feel like it makes me look HUGE. Also, I have absolutely nothing to wear.
(yes, those are finger prints after poking my ankles. And NO, pictures definitely do not do justice to how huge they are)
It could be the endless comments from everyone and their dog lately. Mostly it's about how my belly is too big. My baby must be 10 pounds, minimum. They must have messed up my due date and it was actually yesterday. Once someone was trying to assure me that my hugeness was normal and said "don't worry, I got really big with my first too." Words like huge and unhealthy are often used. People also ask me how much weight I've gained. The answer is actually that I'm right on schedule. Or they ask my due date and when I tell them (how "far" away it is) their eyes get wide. Someone even told me that I really need to be better about exercising.
So far in pregnancy I've tried really hard to shrug off those comments but they're just stacking up and I'm starting to feel like they're true. When you hear something every day, sometimes more than once, it's hard to shrug it off. Way more people tell me how big I am than that I look good.
Also, can I just say we should just tell pregnant women they look good no matter what? They're carrying a child for goodness sakes. That's enough reason to tell them they're looking good.
I'm even getting teary typing this. Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe they play tricks on your eyes.
No matter what the reason is, I'm trying really hard to remember that the important thing here is that Ainsley and I are healthy. Still, there's part of me that wants to be that cute girl who still wears heels and the cutest outfits at 9 months pregnant. I don't want to be the girl who can only fit into sweat pants for the last two months and always looks like she just got hit by a truck. I want to be an Immortal magical unicorn pregnancy princess fairy, gosh darn it! Honestly, some people get bigger than others in pregnancy. I'm trying to accept the fact that I could very possibly be one of them! I'm trying not to compare myself to the girls who just look like the swallowed a baseball at 9 months pregnant. In about 2 months, I'll have a baby and it won't matter what I looked like pregnant. I'm trying to remember all this!
It's really really really hard.