Thursday, September 13, 2012

Having babies is flippin scary

From the time I was a little girl, I was so so so excited to be a mom. My grandma told me she had never seen a little girl be so gentle with her dolls. My mom told me I was worried about starting preschool because I couldn't be there to take care of her. On those sheets in kindergarten you fill out about the future, you know the ones that ask you what you want to be when you grow up? I always put that I wanted to be a mom (and that's not because I didn't also have ambitions of being a "dog doctor").

Basically, it's always been something I've wanted to so and I've looked forward to. Still, it's always scared the bleepin daylights out of me. As a little girl (like, little, 6-8 range) I remember asking several of my mom's friends if having babies was worth it. Keep in mind this is only when I knew about 4% of the scary/unpleasant/painful things that come with childbirth, pregnancy, and labor. Now that I'm here and dealing with the never ending nausea, acid reflux, swelling, fatigue, hemorrhoids (sorry!), sciatica, etc, I'm realizing more just how difficult it is. 

I knew I wanted to be a mom, but actually becoming one has always been one of my biggest fears. I even tried to figure out how to be a mom and not have to go through it. I thought I would adopt when I was younger... or maybe even just have dogs.

I'm older now
and wiser
but basically just as scared as I was as a little girl.

That being said, I could never express with words the gratitude I feel to have the privilege to bring our sweet Ainsley into this world. When I think of childbirth now, tears come to my eyes. Not just because I'm darn scared, because I am, but because I'm grateful that I get to work with God in such a close way to bring one of His children into the world. It's such a sacred experience that I already cherish, even though it hasn't happened yet. Believe it or not, as freaking hard as this pregnancy is, I'm grateful for the privilege to suffer in the name of our daughter. I feel like I love her more because of it. I don't care for the opinions of others of when motherhood start, because I know I AM already a mother.
Picturing Clint hold our sweet baby girl brings tears to my eyes as well. I'm pretty sure he's going to the favorite already, darn it! I can't wait to hold her! So much so that the thought of letting anyone else hold her the day she's born already makes me so sad. I can't wait to get her in my arms and I know I will not want to let go! I can't even attempt to put into words how much I love that girl! I'm so excited to snuggle her and kiss her plump cheeks and show her so much love and show her what a real life love story looks like (mine and Clint's of course) and teach her how to tie her shoes and how to blow kisses and teach her to love Jesus and show her what it means to be kind and love her and squeeze her and blow raspberries on those plump bellies babies always have!

Basically, I'm really excited. And my heart is overflowing with gratitude. And love. And happiness.


Katie said...

I always love your posts.

Mikelle Jade {The Honeypie Archives} said...

Ah agreed. Excited/grateful.. but feeling downright scared! Hey atleast you still have a while- I've got 4 weeks left until my due date and everyday I have people telling me "any day now!" and I about pee my pants--- ah, so scary to think this has to come out of me one way or another!

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy-- I'm sure you're starting to feel more and more uncomfortable as the third trimester approaches--- I swear it's the LONGEST ONE!

Kara said...

Your pregnancy sounds exactly what my sister is going through right now! You're going to be such an amazing mother, and God will bring you through it! :)

lj said...

I was always so excited to be a mom too! I even breastfed all my dolls. It was hard work.

Having a baby seems so much more complicated now that I'm older.

Nikki & Drew said...

oh don't be scared of delivery. I know its easier for me to say now since I know what to expect for the most part.

I still think you should try out an epidural. I know you have it as an option, but its just a nice way to get a break from pain (and girl you know youve had some) and just be at ease and be relaxed for ainsley.

Sara Shoemaker said...

I've always felt the same way! the thought of having babies is both terribly exciting, and just plain terrifying. Once you're preggers there's only one way for that baby to come out! But everyone tells me it's worth it, and hearing you talk about how overflowingly happy you are makes it less scary. I cannot wait to see pictures of your little one! ahhhh so exciting!

The House of Shoes

Emma Frances said...

You are already such a wonderful mother! Ainsley is a lucky girl! :] As hard as pregnancy and childbirth are they really are so worth it! Oh, and even the sleepless nights and post body baby are still worth it!

Elise Frederickson said...

This is adorable. Seriously, you're going to be a rockstar momma.

elise said...

new[est] follower. awesome post my dear...I felt the same way before we had our son too!

stop by sometime!

Megan said...

You are going to be one amazing mommy!!!! She is blessed!