Thursday, September 20, 2012

Hard work, yo!

Since this little angel has made her home my body, I've noticed a lot of things.
One of those things?
It's expensive.
I'm not talking diapers, cribs, etc...I'm talkin some good ol momma care!

So, I've taken the liberty to decide what insurance should pay for when pregnancy is involved. I'm debating mailing this list to them. Thoughts?

1) Comfortable shoes- doesn't even need an explanation. Go ahead and add new clothes and underpants while you're add it.
2) Constant easy access to a restroom. We're talking 3 minutes away, at most.
3) An endless supply of sweet and savory snacks
4) A minimum $100 gift card to the nearest pizza joint- this one could possibly be the most important
5) Barf bags- really, this one is just for the courtoesy of others because I'm nice like that
6) Massages- yeah, I'm in pain. This should be a given, paid for by all the men of the world
7) Someone to follow you around and carry stuff for you and pick stuff up off the ground- this one is important. I didn't realize how hard it is to try and bend over when your belly is the size of a soccer ball. It's a similar feeling to getting punched in the gut. Also, because of my sciatica, my doctor told me I should stop using a backpack (rolling ones don't help, fyi). Basically, I can't not bring anything to school, therefore I need a sidekick to carry those heavy textbooks. It would also be nice if this person could scratch my back (which itches all the time) and paint my toes.
8) An unlimited supply of Miralax and similar products. TMI? It needed to be said!
9) A personal, portable air conditioner. The season is irrelevant.
10) A personal make-up artist so you can actually achieve that "glow" which is really just a myth and they  REALLY mean, welcome back to puberty pimple town.
 11) A therapist to help you deal with things like seeing a numbers on that lovely scale so high you could never dream would happen (I've only gained about ten pounds and I almost cried during my last visit!). The therapist can also help with other things like soothing you while you cry during an episode of Parks & Rec
12) A copy of your wedding ring a few sizes bigger- not wearing mine makes me depressed. Good thing I would have a therapist.
13) a pull string doll that says things like "Dang girl, you look good", "look how tiny you are, hot stuff!!" "Have you lost weight?!". "You are glowing!" "You're 7 months along?! You don't look a day past 4!"
14) Photoshop- this is essential so you can edit all photos taken during the blessed 9 month time period.
15) A handicapped parking sticker.

I could easily go on for another 15, but I think I'll leave it there...for today.


karajean said...

1. You JUST posted this and I am already commenting. I'm a creeper.

2. 10 POUNDS?!?! That's it?! One time I gained 10 pound in 1 month.

3. If you didn't comment on my blog, I would never have any comments. So thanks for that.

4. I need more of the cookies you brought me. SO good.

Alexis Kaye said...

@Kara: you have to remember that I lost 10 pounds. So In a way, the 10 pounds is kind of 20. but not. but it kind of is.


Annie said...

I've never even been pregnant and I agree with these! Also, seriously can I carry your books one day? uhm new idea! I'm throwing a fundraiser to get you a scooter. yes, an electric scooter. this will solve you backpack and feet problems, duh.

Elise Frederickson said...

Haha, I really like you. This is totally awesome. I mean, not awesome, but awesome. You know what I mean.

Emma Frances said...

This post is awesome and hilarious! :) All of this is so true! Why can't someone pay for all this for us?!

Megan said...

You always make me laugh!! Haha!

Rach @ This Italian Family said...

Haha! This whole post makes me smile. I just watched "What to Expect When You're Expecting" tonight and loved how real it was with many of the things that happen during pregnancy. Love that you are so real here too! :)

Shay said...

You are my favorite. AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN. Number thirteen made me laugh out loud- you should patent the crap out of that idea!

katilda said...

You made me want pizza for breakfast.

Kyle and Chandra Chant said...

I'd like to add a few if you don't mind... :)
15. (added on) the sticker should just be a fat lady instead of a wheelchair, just saying.
16. A really awesome butt pillow! And whole body pillow while we're at it.

17. A shutter-upper, essentially a devise for our loved ones so they don't say the wrong thing and we can still refer to them as "loved" at the end of those bad days.
18. Chef 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

Marie said...

Hahaha!! This is a really funny but cute list :D

Courtney B said...

A-freakin-men to #10!!! That stupid pregnancy glow lie! My skin sucks :( And its gotten better in the last couple months.... that's how super bad it sucked the first 5 months. As soon as I pop this girl out I'm going on some meds! (Except not really if I'm nursing. The things we do for our kids...)
And I finally broke down and bought a pair of Nike free's a couple weeks ago. Super comfy AND light as air. Everything feels so heavy these days so its nice that my shoes weigh nothing. But insurance should totally reimburse me.
Holy 10 pounds! I've gained like 25 or something... and 8 of those pounds was in 1 month!! (But I'm hoping that's cause I got weighed as soon as we got back from our Vegas trip.... gotta blame the weight gain on baby and vacations ha!)

Courtney B said...

Or maybe that 8 pounds went straight to the books. Wouldn't surprise me.

Courtney B said...

Boobs. I meant boobs. Freaking auto correct.... way to make these comments even more awkward!!