So, it's official.
School starts on Thursday.
I have paid for my tuition.
I've bought my books.
I've stocked up on snacks.
I've even borrowed a rolling back pack (HELP ME!)
Right now, I'm feeling a lot of feelings. I'm
We go in for an ultrasound tomorrow. Let me tell you, this placenta better be behaving because I have big plans (see above). I'm not really worried about bleeding to death, and while I am a little worried Ainsley will be the strong, healthy baby I'm hoping for, I don't know if I'm more worried than I'd be normally.
If things haven't cleared up, I doubt they'd put me on bedrest this early. I think they normally do that around 24 weeks. Then it just turns into a waiting game. Will it resolve? If my placenta previa doesn't resolve, I can't finish school. In case you didn't know, I am supposed to graduate this Winter and I'm pretty darn dedicated to graduating. If it doesn't resolve I WILL have to go on bedrest and will have to have an early c section. By the way, I REALLY don't want to have a c-section. And if you want my advice, don't ever tell someone who is forced into having a c-section that they're lucky they don't have to go through labor, which isn't even a given anyway. I WILL DROPKICK YOU!
So right now, I'm just living on faith. I'm counting on things resolving. There's no way for me to tell at this point if my placenta previa will go away and if I will finish school, but I can't give up. This is one instance where giving up would actually be the harder option for me. If I were to give up and not attempt to go at all this semester, what if things ended up being fine and I could have finished?! I have to at least try. However, I won't sugar coat it. If I have to withdrawal again (I had to do a medical withdrawal last year) I'm going to be pretty devestated. It's hard for some people to imagine having something so close to your heart, but if you've ever had a lifelong dream, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I want it SO bad and I might not get it because of situations I can't control. That is frustrating, to say the least.
Instead, I'm trying my best not to think about the option of not everything turning out well. I am relying on good news at this appointment. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but I've put all my thoughts and energy into the FACT that it will resolve, I'll be better, I won't die, the baby will be healthy AND I can finish school and work so we don't have to live out of a cardboard box. The last month I've just been thinking "If I can make it 4....3....2.... and then 1 more week, it'll all be fine!" Hopefully I'm not wrong! Those last almost 4 weeks have been filled with lots of prayers, wishes, resting, hope, and a few tears. I might not sleep tonight.
This was kind of all over the place. But will you do me a favor and cross your fingers for us tomorrow morning?! :D Ainsley says thank you!