Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Living on Fath

So, it's official.
School starts on Thursday.
I have paid for my tuition.
I've bought my books.
I've stocked up on snacks.
I've even borrowed a rolling back pack (HELP ME!)

Right now, I'm feeling a lot of feelings. I'm
nervous/excited/happy/scared/overwhelmed/anxious/andamillionothersfeelings.
We go in for an ultrasound tomorrow. Let me tell you, this placenta better be behaving because I have big plans (see above). I'm not really worried about bleeding to death, and while I am a little worried Ainsley will be the strong, healthy baby I'm hoping for, I don't know if I'm more worried than I'd be normally.

If things haven't cleared up, I doubt they'd put me on bedrest this early. I think they normally do that around 24 weeks. Then it just turns into a waiting game. Will it resolve? If my placenta previa doesn't resolve, I can't finish school. In case you didn't know, I am supposed to graduate this Winter and I'm pretty darn dedicated to graduating. If it doesn't resolve I WILL have to go on bedrest and will have to have an early c section. By the way, I REALLY don't want to have a c-section. And if you want my advice, don't ever tell someone who is forced into having a c-section that they're lucky they don't have to go through labor, which isn't even a given anyway. I WILL DROPKICK YOU! 

So right now, I'm just living on faith. I'm counting on things resolving. There's no way for me to tell at this point if my placenta previa will go away and if I will finish school, but I can't give up. This is one instance where giving up would actually be the harder option for me. If I were to give up and not attempt to go at all this semester, what if things ended up being fine and I could have finished?! I have to at least try. However, I won't sugar coat it. If I have to withdrawal again (I had to do a medical withdrawal last year) I'm going to be pretty devestated. It's hard for some people to imagine having something so close to your heart, but if you've ever had a lifelong dream, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I want it SO bad and I might not get it because of situations I can't control. That is frustrating, to say the least.

Instead, I'm trying my best not to think about the option of not everything turning out well. I am relying on good news at this appointment. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but I've put all my thoughts and energy into the FACT that it will resolve, I'll be better, I won't die, the baby will be healthy AND I can finish school and work so we don't have to live out of a cardboard box. The last month I've just been thinking "If I can make it 4....3....2.... and then 1 more week, it'll all be fine!" Hopefully I'm not wrong! Those last almost 4 weeks have been filled with lots of prayers, wishes, resting, hope, and a few tears. I might not sleep tonight.

This was kind of all over the place. But will you do me a favor and cross your fingers for us tomorrow morning?! :D Ainsley says thank you!

8 comments:

Megan said...

Definitely praying for y'all!! I hope that it's resolved tomorrow!

Annie said...

We will keep the prayers coming! Please let me know when you find out! :) Also let me know what day each week I can come clean your house or whatever you need!

Emma Frances said...

My fingers are crossed and you'll be in my prayers!! So nerve wracking. But positive thinking is the way to go!! You've got this! Also, I did not want a c-section but ended up with one AFTER 32ish hours of labor. No fun!!

Katie said...

Ok, first of all, you will definitely be in our prayers tonight! I definitely understand needing to graduate. And second of all, I loved your last post! I got some great ideas, and I realized I'm not doing as bad as I thought on saving money! So I got some new ideas and was validated at the same time. Haha. Now I just need to work on the healthy part. Which is difficult when I never know what my baby will let me eat.

Sarah said...

I've had some health issues, and the biggest comfort to me is knowing that health = my body. And my body is one thing God is deeply in control of (He made it after all!). So whatever the outcome, I pray you feel peace, knowing that the Lord's will is being done.

Kari said...

And if you want my advice, don't ever tell someone who is forced into having a c-section that they're lucky they don't have to go through labor, which isn't even a given anyway. I WILL DROPKICK YOU!

This 4'11 girl with a "very high cervix" who is almost guaranteed a c-section will drop kick someone, too! :) People lose their filter when someone is pregnant. It's official.

Mikelle Jade {The Honeypie Archives} said...

I'll be crossing my fingers and praying! I hope everything turns out. I admire your dedication to school-- I seriously wanted to give up when I found out I was pregnant and had only 2 semesters... I totally see why girls drop out! You are so strong though, and with all your faith, I know however it turns out everything will work out in the end!

Good luck with school this semester and your rolling backpack-- haha it makes me laugh because that would not work so well here in fall semester... the ice gets really bad and so I think a rolling backpack would contribute more to falling than saving ones' back.

Mary said...

Faith really gets you a long way! My baby was born 8 days late, and 2 weeks before I started my last year of school. I was hoping she would come early, and people pushed me to defer, but I was determined to graduate and show people I could do it. I graduated in April with a baby, and I couldn't be happier I made it! In the end it will all be ok, it's just scary looking at all the obstacles you have to get through- take them out one at a time, and you will succeed. =]