Thursday, April 19, 2012

Momma said there'd be days like this

I'm gonna go ahead and warn you right now that my name today is Debbie Downer and if you don't feel like sticking around for that, go ahead and click that little red x in the corner. Really, I don't mind.

Today was one of those days....but the expression "one of those days" doesn't come close to describing how I feel. It was one of those days where it took me crying off all my mascara twice to realize that I was going to have to upgrade to water proof. It was one of those days where the second I walk in the door of my messy apartment I hit my knees praying because I don't have the strength to stand any more. I promise I don't even have to try to make this sound more dramatic. That's just how it was. Last night I couldn't sleep, probably because I was so stressed. The consequential exhaustion makes me even more emotional and less productive which makes me more stressed because I think of how much I need to be doing and then I spend a good portion of the day praying and crying...which I guess is semi-productive.

Disclaimer: this paragraph is the boring part (I still think it's pretty exciting) in which I rant about school/money. You may skim this or skip ahead if you so desire.
I know I've written about this a million times (probably 3 or 4) but school has been really rough on me this semester. I've enjoyed my schooling for the most part up until now. This semester it's just all seemingly impossible work with nothing interesting or rewarding. Maybe its my mix of classes, teachers, outside stressors, or just that I'm not cut out for this. Most of my stress as far as school goes is probably coming from my biochemistry class. The teacher is an insanely hard grader, gives you no points for the smallest error even if you got 99% of the question right, and asks the most ridiculous questions! The average on our last test was a 50%. Honestly, I feel like my grade should be a high B in that class gauging how much I know and have studied....but by the hair on my chin I'm not even passing. (a 70 and above is passing). If I don't pass, that means summer school every day and we will be almost 2 grand poorer. That's stressful when you're a young newly married couple. Plus I'd feel AWFUL if we had to spend $2,000 of our hard earned money on me re-taking a class I wasn't smart enough to pass the first time around! Worst wife award? And of course that also limits how much I can work so not only are we two grad out but I would be bringing less in. Then since I've been focusing on that class my other grades have been suffering. nutrition management tests and statistics tests have almost ALWAYS been on the same day as biochem. Yeah...imagine that my 3 hardest classes always having tests on the same day. Gonna go ahead and set myself up for failure now. Then there was the incident of my nutrition management project where everyone in my group decided to throw me under the bus and tell the teacher the reason our project wasn't to her liking was all my fault (even though I did the majority of the work- which I guess means it was my fault since I had to do it all!) so that I would get the worst of our bad grade, lowering that grade to a B. Yeah, my GPA is just going to suck this semester. Then of course there's statistics when the teacher doesn't tell you vital information like how the variance is just the square root of the standard deviation...or is it squared? And then your whole answer is wrong and she doesn't give you any examples are you regret largely taking that class online. Then you go to tutoring to try to understand a little bit and the only tutor is a whacked out Asian who sings some vulgar rap in a heavy accent...which is cool and's just really hard to concentrate...and he gets really annoyed when he has to turn down the music to hear you ask your questions. Ugh. I could make this rant could be 1,768 times as long and it wouldn't even be hard.
end of boring school rant.

And then there's the question hanging over my head lately of what if I don't use my degree? What if I am a stay at home mom, and all this work is for essentially nothing? I know I've learned things but seriously I'm not doing all this work to not put that knowledge to use. Women, what do you think about this? Because this is decreasing my motivation drastically. I want to work, but I know that my kids will always be my priority and that may not happen. Also, I might not get an internship and even be able to USE my degree. Imma be real witchu and tell you that this scares the CRAP out of me. Anyone have a crystal ball I so I can see if this is even worth it?!

And then of course there's other stressors that throw themselves at you. Like how your apartment complex wouldn't give you any information until the last minute and now you have ONE WEEK to decide if you're going to renew your lease and you're IN THE MIDDLE OF FINALS and don't have TIME to look into new options!! Or there's things like thinking since you were 17 you had one diagnosis and now the doctor tells you there's something different and it needs urgent attention and (some PAINFUL) testing but you don't even have time to wash your hair that week! And then maybe there's something like increased church responsibilities or constant migraines begging you to stay in bed all day and stay as far away as possible from anything with the word "thioester" written in it. I feel like with all these things I have to do/try to comprehend it's like trying to get a brick to absorb a gallon of water-ain't gonna happen honey!.....and That's all the venting/complaining I have energy for right now. Whew...that was exhausting.

Today my dad called me. I don't know exactly what for because as soon as I picked up the phone I started crying and probably sounded something like eyaahhhhhhhhhh amnahaha afayineeeahahahh eyahhh primaseeeeeahahaha. So then he picked me up and we went out for some Mexican food for lunch. I casually mentioned something about wishing I was graduating this semester like I originally planned on [if you're new, this time last year I got meningitis, spent more time than anyone should have to tied to a hospital bed, and had to withdrawal from school which put me a semester behind]. Then he said, "yeah but you could have died." Wait, death. What's that? I can't think about anything that doesn't have to do with school, finals, standard deviations, or catabolic fatty oxidation. It got me thinking a little bit out of my bubble. I'm so stuck right now in the next 11 days. I forget that there are other things to life. I might not be the smartest book on the shelf (I think I just made up that expression) but at least I'm not a quitter. At least I hope not. I think I texted my mom 15 times in the last 24 hours that I'm dropping out of school...and I meant it the most I ever have...which is probably about 75%. THAT is something that's important- that I'm not going to give up. So then I tried to remind myself of the important things. Am I being honest to recieve my degree? Am I still devoting the proper time to Heavenly Father with prayer, scipture study, etc? I know this is really similar to this post, maybe that one is even better, but I felt it again, so I wrote it again. I know failure is a real, raw human emotion that we all deal with. Elder Uchtdorf's quote might sound familiar to you, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you" I think we can adapt that to say "Don't judge me because I fail differently than you" as well. Just try to remember what's important eternally. Failure is painful no matter what, but it helps ease the pain a little. For me at least. Who is still going to be my friend if I have to repeat all my classes?! woot woot!  Hope you guys are doing good. I miss you! Maybe I'll come back for real once finals are over!


Nikki & Drew said...

just breathe. deep breath in. hold it. okay let it out.

my opinion on schooling might be different than other peoples. mostly because I hate school. I didn't go to "real" school. I never wanted to work long term. thats why I married up ;). but really.

its up to you to decide. but maybe taking some time off will help relieve stress. maybe you're supposed to focus on other things right now. maybe youre not. I don't know. but you can always do schooling later if you are supposed to be doing something less stressful right now.

I'm not telling you to quit. I'm not. I'm just saying its something you have to decide. it doesnt mean you failed. it doesn't. and even if you decide to stay in school and graduate, you'd have something to fall back on if you ever decided to/needed to work. it doesnt have to be motherhood or career woman. you can have both if you want it.

you just have to ask the lord what will work best for you. sorry for the overload. just decide and don't doubt your decision. we all support you.

Katie said...

^^I like her.

Seriously, we all know I'm the last one to judge where dropping out of school is concerned.

But at the same time, I always tell myself that my bachelor's degree is important in case something happens to my husband and I need to work for awhile. I would prefer being a stay-at-home mom, honestly, but...who the heck knows what will happen?

Like Nikki said, Heavenly Father will help you decide. And if he wants you to do something specific, he will help you achieve it :)

{head 2 toe} said...

It is hard right now, but the hard work will pay off. I promise. I wasn't married when I was in school and graduated before we were married, but my husband is in medical school and works so, SO, SOO hard and is constantly stressed as well. I know it's different when you are the woman and wife- you have the responsibility of the home and school. BUT, I promise you, finishing school will be worth it in the end! Don't drop out! Even if you don't "use" your degree, it is worth more then any price of money in the WORLD. Trust me!Keep your chin up, and it's so good you are praying! So many people forget this....including myself at times. Thank you for the reminder!

Ali said...

Oh you poor thing! And I mean that sincerely. My hubs is going through the same thing with school. He's also to the point where he just wants to quit but his reason is because we're "wasting all this money on school when I don't even know what I want to do yet" so at least you have him beat on one thing?! You have a major picked and you're SOOO close to graduating! That's amazing and I think it's honorable.

I dropped out of college after my scholarship ran out at MCC so I'm no expert in school but I think that you should have your degree just in case something happens that you CAN'T be at home. We all know things happen (which sucks) and having that degree is really gonna help you if you end up needing to be the provider for awhile ;) But that's just my humble opinion *and I personally am not following this advice so take it as you will ;) )

I hope you are able to figure everything out about your apt and the doctor! If you need anything, let me know! I only live a few minutes away and am more than willing to drop by cookies or any other such comfort that you might need ;) Seriously, you can let me know ;)

Marci Dawn said...

pray, pray, pray, visit the temple and read this
hope things get better!

Amy said...

Alexis, I hear you on the bubble! It's so hard to have a long term perspective when you are so stressed about everything, and none of it will go away on its own.

I wonder the same thing sometimes... whether or not it's worth it for me to get a degree, especially since I had to take some student loans. I think it is worth it though, even if it's mostly just for my self confidence. I think that you are the same, and getting your degree is an accomplishment that you will always cherish, even if it doesn't bring in the big bucks! Also, I have to confess that sometimes when I'm reading your blog I'm jealous of how useful your major is. I think your knowledge of health and nutrition will help you be a better mom.

Heavenly Father has come through for me with school work. He cares, and he knows what's best for you, so however it works out is just part of his plan. Love you! You're amazing and if anyone can pull it off you can!

Kaycie Eddie said...

Oh Alexis, I'm so sorry for all of these hard things coming at once! I wish I had some awesome advice for you. You never know when that degree could come in handy, like if your husband was out of work or something. One thing I do know is that if you do all that you can, God will fill in all the things you couldn't do on your own (remember the Sunday school lesson with the little boy and his bike?). Good luck!

Kylie said...

That is a really hard load to bear at one time. You're a strong woman! My husband has been feeling the load this semester as well, and I can't tell you how many times I've told him it will all be worth it in the end, and that he will forever regret it if he doesn't finish.

As for using your degree...I can tell you that gaining knowledge will never ever go to waste. You may not use your degree in the way you thought you would, or in the way it's intended, but I know that any knowledge and experience we gain from school is never for naught. I'm working full time as a college graduate, not using my degree persay, and not knowing if I even want to. I knew that going into it. But I also knew it was important. Not just for the "fall-back" option, but because I knew that education is important to me, and I knew that it would make me a better person. For ME. Yes, for my future family, but also so I could cultivate myself, and learn things I wouldn't otherwise.

Basically, everyone has a different situation, and I completely agree...we all have different challenges. Ask yourself if this is something YOU want...and if it is, then give it everything you've got. The Lord will most certainly make up the rest. I learn more and more each day, that He has a plan for me, even if that plan is completely different than what I imagined. Good luck and I hope your days are a little easier in the near future.
(And sorry for the massive comment, I hope something I said helps at least a little.)

Ariana Nelson said...

I agree with other commenters, deep breath! Let loose, and have an ice cream ;)

I'm with ya on the "what if I don't use my degree" ..that's actually why I quit school. Because I KNOW I'm gonna be a SAHM.

That was really sweet of your dad to come pick you up for a stress reliever :)

AND, I hope finals go well for you :)

P.S. Look at all the people who read this super long post and cared enough to comment for you! (I'd say that's a pretty cheery thought)


katilda said...

statistics is the DEVIL. i also took it online, thinking misguided thoughts such as "oh, it's like math" or "stem and leaf plots! piece of cake!" ....and then it was the devil. i feel your pain.

Emma Frances said...

I really hope that things calm down after the semester is over. I hope that the last couple of weeks are survivable! And I know that everything will be okay because you are AMAZING and you are not a quitter! Thanks for sharing your real life struggles with all of us. You can vent as much as you want and we'll listen! Also, I totally understand the whole wondering if you'll EVER use your degree thing. It makes me lose motivation as well. I just really hope that I find ways to use my degree in my home if I don't use it in the typical career way.

Andrea Shumway said...

Alexis! Ok so i confess, i did not read the entire post. but one part i did read really stuck out to me. If you don't "use" your degree and end up being a stay at home mom, that is OK! Think of all the things you've learned in college you can teach your children.'s a little tid bit from our dearest Gordon Hinckley:
hope this helps you :)