I'm gonna go ahead and warn you right now that my name today is Debbie Downer and if you don't feel like sticking around for that, go ahead and click that little red x in the corner. Really, I don't mind.
Today was one of those days....but the expression "one of those days" doesn't come close to describing how I feel. It was one of those days where it took me crying off all my mascara twice to realize that I was going to have to upgrade to water proof. It was one of those days where the second I walk in the door of my messy apartment I hit my knees praying because I don't have the strength to stand any more. I promise I don't even have to try to make this sound more dramatic. That's just how it was. Last night I couldn't sleep, probably because I was so stressed. The consequential exhaustion makes me even more emotional and less productive which makes me more stressed because I think of how much I need to be doing and then I spend a good portion of the day praying and crying...which I guess is semi-productive.
Disclaimer: this paragraph is the boring part (I still think it's pretty exciting) in which I rant about school/money. You may skim this or skip ahead if you so desire.
I know I've written about this a million times (probably 3 or 4) but school has been really rough on me this semester. I've enjoyed my schooling for the most part up until now. This semester it's just all seemingly impossible work with nothing interesting or rewarding. Maybe its my mix of classes, teachers, outside stressors, or just that I'm not cut out for this. Most of my stress as far as school goes is probably coming from my biochemistry class. The teacher is an insanely hard grader, gives you no points for the smallest error even if you got 99% of the question right, and asks the most ridiculous questions! The average on our last test was a 50%. Honestly, I feel like my grade should be a high B in that class gauging how much I know and have studied....but by the hair on my chin I'm not even passing. (a 70 and above is passing). If I don't pass, that means summer school every day and we will be almost 2 grand poorer. That's stressful when you're a young newly married couple. Plus I'd feel AWFUL if we had to spend $2,000 of our hard earned money on me re-taking a class I wasn't smart enough to pass the first time around! Worst wife award? And of course that also limits how much I can work so not only are we two grad out but I would be bringing less in. Then since I've been focusing on that class my other grades have been suffering. nutrition management tests and statistics tests have almost ALWAYS been on the same day as biochem. Yeah...imagine that my 3 hardest classes always having tests on the same day. Gonna go ahead and set myself up for failure now. Then there was the incident of my nutrition management project where everyone in my group decided to throw me under the bus and tell the teacher the reason our project wasn't to her liking was all my fault (even though I did the majority of the work- which I guess means it was my fault since I had to do it all!) so that I would get the worst of our bad grade, lowering that grade to a B. Yeah, my GPA is just going to suck this semester. Then of course there's statistics when the teacher doesn't tell you vital information like how the variance is just the square root of the standard deviation...or is it squared? And then your whole answer is wrong and she doesn't give you any examples are you regret largely taking that class online. Then you go to tutoring to try to understand a little bit and the only tutor is a whacked out Asian who sings some vulgar rap in a heavy accent...which is cool and all...it's just really hard to concentrate...and he gets really annoyed when he has to turn down the music to hear you ask your questions. Ugh. I could make this rant could be 1,768 times as long and it wouldn't even be hard.
end of boring school rant.
And then there's the question hanging over my head lately of what if I don't use my degree? What if I am a stay at home mom, and all this work is for essentially nothing? I know I've learned things but seriously I'm not doing all this work to not put that knowledge to use. Women, what do you think about this? Because this is decreasing my motivation drastically. I want to work, but I know that my kids will always be my priority and that may not happen. Also, I might not get an internship and even be able to USE my degree. Imma be real witchu and tell you that this scares the CRAP out of me. Anyone have a crystal ball I so I can see if this is even worth it?!
And then of course there's other stressors that throw themselves at you. Like how your apartment complex wouldn't give you any information until the last minute and now you have ONE WEEK to decide if you're going to renew your lease and you're IN THE MIDDLE OF FINALS and don't have TIME to look into new options!! Or there's things like thinking since you were 17 you had one diagnosis and now the doctor tells you there's something different and it needs urgent attention and (some PAINFUL) testing but you don't even have time to wash your hair that week! And then maybe there's something like increased church responsibilities or constant migraines begging you to stay in bed all day and stay as far away as possible from anything with the word "thioester" written in it. I feel like with all these things I have to do/try to comprehend it's like trying to get a brick to absorb a gallon of water-ain't gonna happen honey!.....and That's all the venting/complaining I have energy for right now. Whew...that was exhausting.
Today my dad called me. I don't know exactly what for because as soon as I picked up the phone I started crying and probably sounded something like eyaahhhhhhhhhh amnahaha afayineeeahahahh eyahhh primaseeeeeahahaha. So then he picked me up and we went out for some Mexican food for lunch. I casually mentioned something about wishing I was graduating this semester like I originally planned on [if you're new, this time last year I got meningitis, spent more time than anyone should have to tied to a hospital bed, and had to withdrawal from school which put me a semester behind]. Then he said, "yeah but you could have died." Wait, death. What's that? I can't think about anything that doesn't have to do with school, finals, standard deviations, or catabolic fatty oxidation. It got me thinking a little bit out of my bubble. I'm so stuck right now in the next 11 days. I forget that there are other things to life. I might not be the smartest book on the shelf (I think I just made up that expression) but at least I'm not a quitter. At least I hope not. I think I texted my mom 15 times in the last 24 hours that I'm dropping out of school...and I meant it the most I ever have...which is probably about 75%. THAT is something that's important- that I'm not going to give up. So then I tried to remind myself of the important things. Am I being honest to recieve my degree? Am I still devoting the proper time to Heavenly Father with prayer, scipture study, etc? I know this is really similar to this post, maybe that one is even better, but I felt it again, so I wrote it again. I know failure is a real, raw human emotion that we all deal with. Elder Uchtdorf's quote might sound familiar to you, "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you" I think we can adapt that to say "Don't judge me because I fail differently than you" as well. Just try to remember what's important eternally. Failure is painful no matter what, but it helps ease the pain a little. For me at least. Who is still going to be my friend if I have to repeat all my classes?! woot woot! Hope you guys are doing good. I miss you! Maybe I'll come back for real once finals are over!