Monday, December 5, 2011

bitter sweet.

I wrote the following post about a month ago. Even though I don't feel sad about this today, the feelings were certainly real at the time!
Here we go :)

I'll never forget my first day of freshman orientation at Arizona State University. It was June 2008.
 The very large majority went with their parents. I decided I wanted to go by myself, which makes sense since that's how I did just about everything else. I sat between clusters of proud parents with their son or daughter. I didn't know a soul, but I didn't care. I was insanely happy.  I got that burning in my heart like I always do when I know I am doing the right thing. It's like Heavenly Father's way of telling me he's proud of me. I am passionate about my major, dietetics (nutrition). I am excited to help people find healthy lifestyles. I'm excited to help.
I think I had a huge smile on my face the whole time....5 hours.
I even smiled through eating the disgusting fajitas for lunch. Gross.
See, I still rememer it. It was that bad.

The advisors told us what a competetive, diffuclt program we were choosing.
They gave us examples of schedules, the time that was crucial to dedicate, and frankly, I think they tried to scare us away. So many people switch from the program, they proably rather have you do it in the beginning!

But me?
I was ready.
I didn't just welcome the challenge, I wanted it.
Just talking about it I get that same burning in my heart.

At the conclusion of the orientation, I found my car in the crowded parking lot, got in it, and began to drive away. I looked back at the building that had a big banner strewn across the front,
"Welcome class May of 2012!"
Tears filled my eyes. I don't know why. Maybe because I thought about all the people I was going to be able to help. Maybe because I thought of how much it would help me. Maybe I thought about how having this knowledge would make me a be better wife and mother to the sweet souls I hadn't even met yet! Maybe I thought about all the personal things I had been through that led me there. 
Regardless of  why it touched me, I pulled my car over, whipped out my camera phone, and snapped a picture. That beaut was my cell phone background for ages.

Picking my career path wasn't just a worldly, monetary, put-food-on-the-table decision for me, it was a spiritual one. I realize to many of you that sounds silly, but I know it's the truth. Like it's what I was meant to do.

Fast forward to present day.
I just registered for next semester. May 2012 to be exact.
The semester I was supposed to graduate in.
I'm sad.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel all those things I did at orientation.
Hope. Happiness. Excitement. Passion.
But I'm still sad. If you are new to my blog, I got meningitis in February of this year and had to take a medical leave of absence, putting me behind a semester. However, since that includes the summer, that puts my graduation back 7 months and my internship possible start date back a year. Meaning minimally, I won't get done with my education for at least an additional year, not to mention having to pay an extra semester of tuition. If you've been around the block, you know that's not cheap. I know that I do have to much to be thankful for. And trust me, I am. But I don't think Heavenly Father wants us to always fake happiness. I know we need to always have faith. I do. There may be something in the future I can't see and this is for the absolute best. I do have faith it will work out again. But still, I'm sad. I think that's okay. I don't think God would tell us we can't be sad. And I think you can be sad, optimistic, and have faith all at the same time.
That being said,
I'm just sad that it could possibly delay becoming a mother. I know that it's possible to have a baby and work, but I know me and I don't think I could leave a few month old infant with someone while I do my internship which is at least 40 hours a week.
 I'm sad that I'm so close to the end, and it feels like I'll never get there. It feels like I'll never get through biochemistry. It's like telling a marathon runner on mile 23 you've added 8 more miles. In relation to how far they've come, that's not far, but it sure sounds a heckuva lot further when they thought they were so close to the end!
I'm sad that I don't know if I'll know anyone at graduation. I've made some of my best friends through school. Seriously, when you're in the library til midnight on a Friday night, you make friends real quick! I'm sad that we don't get to experience that together. I'm sad to not have them in my classes.
I'm sad that I have to drop another crap load of money. Do you even know how many pairs of shoes I could buy with all that? srsly.
I'm sad that now I won't be finishing my internship the same time Clint finishes school. We may move after graduation. Not having the surity that I can finish my internship is scary to me, especially given how much work, blood, sweat, and dolla bills I've put in.

In the off chance I talk to someone about this they reply with things like "you're still so close!" or "it could be worse!" or "it'll work out!"
You know what? They're absolutely right. I agree. But sometimes I wish people would just tell me that the situation is certainly not ideal and it's okay to be sad.

So there you have it. I have officially signed up for my senior year. I'm insanely excited, happy, hopeful, passionate, faithful (in the way I have faith it will work out, but I guess also in the way imma keep my menfolk to just my husband), and yes, a little bit sad.
And that's okay.


Carlie said...

I felt this completely when I moved to Dallas. It is hard to have people tell you things work-out, because you know they do, but you just want to be sad for a bit. But congrats on signing up for your senior year!

Katie said...

It really is ok :) And I'm glad you don't feel sad about it today, but in the event that you do sometimes, it really is ok! And someday this will all make sense.

LeAhnna said...

You know what? That would depress me and scare me to death too. This is my first year of college, and I've already gone through the emotional wringer--first week high, mid-semester depression, second wind, end-of-semester exhaustion...and honestly, I've been on such a rollercoaster this whole time it's hard for me to even picture going back next semester. (which I'll suck it up and do anyway)

But I can't even imagine still sticking with it after a setback like you've had. AND being a wife and keeping a house and doing all that other stuff that I don't have to do yet.

I'm praying for you, and cheering you on (in my brain, of course. my family would think I was weird if I just randomly yelled "Go Alexis!")

Just think how happy you'll be when you finally have that degree you've wanted so much and worked so hard for. It's kind of like going to the sucks, but once it's over it doesn't seem so bad after all. You can do it. :)


Darby Arby said...

dude, girl. i feeeeeel ya! last year i got a reaaaallllyyy bad concussion (like couldn't remember names, faces, etc...) and had to medically defer the semester. It sucked. Not only because of the wasted money but because that meant I'd be pushed back graduating another semester.... and now it's gotten even more tricky with a little kiddo, like you said.

But, ya know, as scary as it is. You are right. everything'll be okay. But it is okay to be sad. be sad and move on. That's what my grandma used to always say. If you're not recognizing that a situation sucks then you're just ignoring it & that does no good. :) You got this.

ps what are you going into? we've taken a lot of the same classes and i'm really curious!

Annie said...

So TRUE! There is so little sympathy/empathy is this world. I have definitely had times when I felt frustrated and sad about things not going the way I had planned or hoped and everyone telling you to stop complaining, etc. isn't what I needed. I needed sympathy. I needed a simple, "You know what, that is lame! It totally stinks!"
So while yes, I believe you are right that it will work out in the end and I'm sure one day you will look back on it and say "OHH! THAT's why that happened."

but for now. you can be bummed, because it does stink to deal out the dough and work really hard to have something out of your control come along and throw a wrinkle in the plans. It's hard, and it's ok to feel sad about it, as long as you don't give up on it. Which I know you haven't and you are working just as hard if not harder than before. :) You got this!

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

Such a great post! Thanks for sharing all of this. I can't believe you got Mening. I know how horrible that can be. Not personally but through some people who have had it. I actually know someone who died from it. I am sorry it put you behind... but I bet you learned more about yourself during that time then any other! :) Good for you for going through and finishing what you started :) Education is important!

Courtney B said...

You know how you said it's like Heavenly Father's letting you know He's proud of you? Well he is! Because you ARE making the right choices! And I am so so so sorry you had to get so sick, and you're graduating later than you planned. But I just know that Heavenly Father is proud of you, because you are being so faithful through your trials! And I know that everything will work out in his perfect timing!

Amanda said...

Such a great post! It's okay to be sad when things don't go according to our plan, but at least you're on track to finish and graduate and THAT'S what matters :)

Shalyn said...

I cannot even imagine how hard it must be to be so close to something you know you are going to achieve but have it be further away because of something you could not control. Ugh. One thing I do relate to- I commend you for knowing yourself and that you would not be comfortable starting a family until school is over. It was the hardest thing for me to wait until after graduation to get pregnant but I am SO GLAD I did.