It seems like from the second Ainsley was born I've had a huge fear weighing on my mind.
Am I going to be able to have more?
They say that you forget how horrible pregnancy and labor and delivery are but I have NOT forgotten. I had a really difficult pregnancy and just the thought of being pregnant makes my stomach churn, not to mention I still don't feel like I've physically or emotionally recovered from the whole pushing a baby out experience. I vividly remember the excruciating pain of labor, the sleepless nights of pregnancy, keeping a mental list of all the new places I had lost my cookies... you get the idea. I haven't forgotten anything.
And I hate that I haven't forgotten it.
I really want to forget.
I have had several friends who have had babies within just a few months of when I had Ainsley already get pregnant with their second. I so badly want the courage to go through with it again but the thought keeps me up at night. I'm scared out of my mind.
I feel like if/when I get pregnant with baby number two, I'd need to hire full time help to take care of me and her. Just about the only times I got out of bed in my first trimester were to greet the porcelain throne. And I don't want Ainsley to feel neglected. I love that girl so much I think my heart will explode. I want what is best for her.
Please don't confuse the fear of getting pregnant again with not wanting to have a second....or third or fourth. It would make me so sad to only have one. It would make me so sad to only have two! I still want a big family!!! I always have. I love kids. The baby stage is harder for me, but I still love it!
Putting aside the fears of pregnancy, there's the fears of actually raising two children. I hear seasoned mothers tell me all the time how easy it was when they just had one...or when their first was a baby. I know they don't mean anything by it and I'm not saying they're doing anything wrong with voicing this, but it makes me feel stupid. I only have one and she's only a baby and I still find myself feeling overwhelmed a lot. Does this mean I'm not cut out to be a mom in the first place?
Then, every once in awhile, Heavenly Father reminds me that fear is the opposite of faith. Fear cripples the divine potential He has given me. If Satan can thwart the power of a righteous mother, he has caused more damage than I can imagine. No matter how difficult I find this work of motherhood, I know it is what I was created for. While having a child has brought on an identity crisis and I'm still trying to figure out where I fit in the rest of the world, I find my purpose in my family. I have faith in His plan knowing that if I'm meant to have more children (which I hope is the case) somehow He will help me through it. I'm grateful to know of the power of prayer and have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. No matter what, I will always be grateful for the opportunity to be my sweet Ainley's mother.