Remember how we got to find out the gender early because I was having a lot of pain? And I was sure everything would come out just great? Yeah, I was a little bit wrong wrong.
On Friday, Clint and I were in Utah on a trip with his family. At lunch time, we met up with one of his lifelong friends. Just as we had gotten our food and were sitting down, my phone buzzed and my doctor's name appeared on the screen. I asked Clint if I should answer it, he said yes, and so I stepped outside the restaurant to take the call.
When I heard the doctor's voice on the other end and not the medical assistant like was typical, I had a feeling everything from the ultrasound didn't come back as perfectly as I had anticipated.
She told me I have placenta previa. What's that? It's when the placenta blocks the cervix. At first I thought, that's sucky. I was really hoping for a natural birth and now I have to swing the opposite way into a c-section. And I was upset. I wanted the best for my baby AND I'm deathly, deathly afraid of surgery. But then she told me some more risks like going into labor very early or the risk I have of bleeding out. That's when my heart sank and I wanted to sit on the sidewalk and cry for hours. Clint came out to see if everything was okay while I was still on the phone with her getting instructions on taking it easy and not doing certain things to reduce my risk of early labor or bleeding out. I told Clint the news and we stood outside while he tried to comfort me for a little bit.
As soon as we got back to the place we were staying, I read up on all I could about placenta previa on reliable websites like WebMD and the Mayo Clinic. They let me in on more scary risks like how the bleeding can kill me quickly, how lots of babies are lost because of early delivery, how I could have to get a hysterectomy after delivery if I don't stop bleeding, how I can be hospitalized or on bed rest really early on in pregnancy, and lots of other scary stuff.
I went through a big range of emotions. First, I was heartbroken I could lose my sweet girl. I may not have "met" her yet in this life, but I know her. I've saccrificed for her. I've felt her move and kick. We've named her. I've told her how much I love her. She's a part of me now. Just the THOUGHT of losing her breaks my heart.
Then I was mad at me. I told Clint I'm just bad at being pregnant and apologized to him for all this that "I did". I've been so incredibly sick and now this, I guess I just can't handle it. I'm not made to do this. I felt like it was just a "skill" I didn't have.
Then I thought about how I don't want to leave my husband behind. I love him so crazy much and I'm not ready for our time here together to be done.
Then I thought about how if I don't finish school this semester, I don't know what I'll do. Obviously, the well-being of my child and I is WAY above this, but if you know me you know education is a lifelong goal I've had and I've saccrificed so much and if I had to quit with one semester left, it'd be devestating to me.
Now I know those thoughts are dramatic, but let's be honest. When something scary happens, a lot of times the worst case scenario pops into our minds.
Once I put my head back on my shoulders, I was able to transition from the fearful thoughts to the hopeful ones. Clint and I are really trusting that this will resolve on it's own. I don't know exactly what the statistics are on what happens in what cases and whatnot, but this is the only case that matters to me so I don't really care to know about all the others. Clint and I are really really hopeful that this will resolve on it's own and we can have a happy and healthy baby, and a happy, healthy, and college-degree-recieving momma. We've been praying constantly. I've never done this before, and it feels just a little bit weird, but would you say a prayer for us too? I can't tell you how much we appreciate it!!
Thanks for being my friend :)