Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My sweet girl

Remember how we got to find out the gender early because I was having a lot of pain? And I was sure everything would come out just great? Yeah, I was a little bit wrong wrong.

On Friday, Clint and I were in Utah on a trip with his family. At lunch time, we met up with one of his lifelong friends. Just as we had gotten our food and were sitting down, my phone buzzed and my doctor's name appeared on the screen. I asked Clint if I should answer it, he said yes, and so I stepped outside the restaurant to take the call.

When I heard the doctor's voice on the other end and not the medical assistant like was typical, I had a feeling everything from the ultrasound didn't come back as perfectly as I had anticipated.
She told me I have placenta previa. What's that? It's when the placenta blocks the cervix. At first I thought, that's sucky. I was really hoping for a natural birth and now I have to swing the opposite way into a c-section. And I was upset. I wanted the best for my baby AND I'm deathly, deathly afraid of surgery. But then she told me some more risks like going into labor very early or the risk I have of bleeding out. That's when my heart sank and I wanted to sit on the sidewalk and cry for hours. Clint came out to see if everything was okay while I was still on the phone with her getting instructions on taking it easy and not doing certain things to reduce my risk of early labor or bleeding out. I told Clint the news and we stood outside while he tried to comfort me for a little bit.

As soon as we got back to the place we were staying, I read up on all I could about placenta previa on reliable websites like WebMD and the Mayo Clinic. They let me in on more scary risks like how the bleeding can kill me quickly, how lots of babies are lost because of early delivery, how I could have to get a hysterectomy after delivery if I don't stop bleeding, how I can be hospitalized or on bed rest really early on in pregnancy, and lots of other scary stuff.

I went through a big range of emotions. First, I was heartbroken I could lose my sweet girl. I may not have "met" her yet in this life, but I know her. I've saccrificed for her. I've felt her move and kick. We've named her. I've told her how much I love her. She's a part of me now. Just the THOUGHT of losing her breaks my heart.

Then I was mad at me. I told Clint I'm just bad at being pregnant and apologized to him for all this that "I did". I've been so incredibly sick and now this, I guess I just can't handle it. I'm not made to do this. I felt like it was just a "skill" I didn't have.

Then I thought about how I don't want to leave my husband behind. I love him so crazy much and I'm not ready for our time here together to be done.

Then I thought about how if I don't finish school this semester, I don't know what I'll do. Obviously, the well-being of my child and I is WAY above this, but if you know me you know education is a lifelong goal I've had and I've saccrificed so much and if I had to quit with one semester left, it'd be devestating to me.

Now I know those thoughts are dramatic, but let's be honest. When something scary happens, a lot of times the worst case scenario pops into our minds.

Once I put my head back on my shoulders, I was able to transition from the fearful thoughts to the hopeful ones. Clint and I are really trusting that this will resolve on it's own. I don't know exactly what the statistics are on what happens in what cases and whatnot, but this is the only case that matters to me so I don't really care to know about all the others. Clint and I are really really hopeful that this will resolve on it's own and we can have a happy and healthy baby, and a happy, healthy, and college-degree-recieving momma. We've been praying constantly. I've never done this before, and it feels just a little bit weird, but would you say a prayer for us too? I can't tell you how much we appreciate it!!
Thanks for being my friend :)

18 comments:

Bethany G said...

Praying hard for you! He has a plan!

karajean said...

Pray for you? You didn't even have to ask. Of course I will! You and Clint will get through this, and you will be (already are!) amazing parents. xoxo

Annie said...

We've been praying for you! Please please please let me know if there is anything I can do! Seriously, if you need stuff done around your place and Clint is gone call me! You know I'm close, and I always love an excuse to step away from editing and stretch my legs (and of course hang out with you :)
No matter how things turn out this will be an incredible, as well as incredible faith building, experience for you and Clint as husband and wife and now as mom and dad.
Sending prayers! <3

Megan said...

Definitely praying for y'all. I can't imagine how scary that must be...but remember that God is in control and is taking care of y'all and that sweet girl!

Kaycie Eddie said...

You're in my prayers. And things will work out. Maybe not the way you think they will, but the man upstairs will take care of you guys. :)

Lauren Gardner said...

you are so strong girly! Definitely praying for you! Love yoU!

Tisha said...

Prayers and good vibes, all the way from the Philippines!

Delia Salas said...

Oh Alexis. I can't even imagine how much frustration and anxiety you must be feeling. Pregnancy is such a sacrifice. It is amazing how much we as mothers already know and love our babies in our womb. I will most certainly pray for you and baby girl. As I continue to tell myself, I will also tell you: His plans are so much greater than ours and He can carry you through ANYTHING! I love you!

Chelsea said...

I will definitely pray for you. You are a strong woman, and the Lord knows that. I mean, why else would He give a you a trial like this? You are such a beautiful example to me!

Ali Mills said...

You are absolutely in our prayers! I'm so sorry hon for all of this you have to go through, but Clint is a great guy and you'll both be ok ;) And your baby girl too, the Lord knows your heart and will help you know His will ;) Hugs!

Emma Frances said...

You and Clint and your sweet baby girl will most definitely be in my prayers. You've got this!! :)

Autumn said...

You, your baby and Clint will be in my prayers.

katilda said...

ahhh! definitely in my prayers! i like your attitude in this part: "I don't know exactly what the statistics are on what happens in what cases and whatnot, but this is the only case that matters to me so I don't really care to know about all the others." i also understand your feelings about blaming yourself for things out of your control...and from one person who does that to another...no bueno! this isn't your fault. i bet if you do some praying you'll be able to realize that more than you do now!

Britney Jean said...

You are definitely in my prayers!!!

MONICA said...

It does seem like nothing comes easy for you girl. I believe it is because you are someone who can handle it. You do it with a positive attitude as well. Hang in there girl and I will pray for you.

JRuud said...

Praying hard! Love the blog. I live in Utah!

Kelsey said...

My mom had placenta privia with my sister gabby. If you have questions, you should ask her! Www.barbarawiser.blogspot.com
Praying for you!

Courtney B said...

I will definitely be praying my heart out for you and baby girl. What scary news but I have total faith that everything will workout perfectly! Keep your chin up pretty mama!