Thursday, September 15, 2011

This is scary.

Okay you guys. This is really scary. This is something I've thought about sharing since about February...but I  wimped out every time I got the feeling I needed to share it. I'm still a wimp actually. Maybe you'll be really nice to me and I'll feel better and we can get through this together? Yes?! I knew I loved you guys!

Honestly, my heart feels like it's beating out of my chest just thinking about actually putting this in black and white. It's silly, really. However, I know that I need to share this. It's not a "kind of know". I know that not sharing it would be going against divine guidance to share this. here. with you
Sorry that's cheesy. It's true. 

The words just aren't coming. Gosh darn it.

Ultimately, I started my blog for me. It was a fun, easy hobby that I could fit into my schedule. Through blogging, I've met incredible friends that are, no doubt, heaven sent. But really, I've always said that if my blog helped even one person, it would fulfill its purpose. I hope that this helps even one person. I have a feeling it will. Who knows, maybe this is really the whole reason I was guided to start my blog in the first place!

I've beaten around the bush so much there's no bush left!
Now you'll know what I was really talking about here, and in several other similar posts around that time.

Time to spit it out. I go to therapy. I know, right? That's the place where crazies go that are too weak to handle life right? That's what I thought too... until I actually went. I finally decided to go under the guidance of my bishop. Even making the appointment with him was scary. I went in, and sobbed my life story out to him, feeling like I was at rock bottom. He didn't think I was hopeless. He saw so much potential. He just knew that I needed some help at this point. And you know,
it's okay to need help.
 I will never forget my first meeting with my kind therapist, Julie. It was right after Clint and I had gotten engaged. Stress and emotions were already high. She kept telling me how brave I was.  Honestly, I felt like a cowering mouse. Brave was the last thing I felt. But through going, I realized it's the most courageous thing you can do when you're dealt certain cards.I felt like someone finally understood a piece of how I worked and what I went through, and wanted to hold my hand through it. In several sessions we cried together as I relived little pieces of my past. She helped me sort things through, and make a little sense of it all.

Therapy doesn't cure things for you, it give the tools you need to heal over time. 

If you're reading this thinking "I can't believe she's sharing this! How dumb!" Then I have two guesses. Either (1) You haven't gone through the kind of thing I'm talking about or probably the more likely answer (2) you haven't dealt with your heartache. In which case my heart goes out to you. But really, I would hate to pass those judgments on you, so I'd like if you showed me the same respect. I don't have a reason to be ashamed of needing help. One of the great things I've learned in therapy is that I have a say! I can't tell you how good that feels.

 So why do I go? When you go through those really gut wrenching hardships, it changes you. Everyone knows it can make you better, or it can crush you. While I'm not going to share specifics, I decided to go to therapy because I knew I wasn't going to let things get me bitter. I want to come out better. I knew God gave me my challenges because he knew I could make it through them. He has faith in ME! How powerful is that! Not only could I make it through them, but going through them would shape me into the person He wants me to be. Through my trials, I can become more like Jesus Christ.
You can too.

okay deep breaths. Am I really posting this? If you're reading this, I guess I did! Go me!

28 comments:

Mrs. Ali said...

I think you are so brave and inspiring Alexis! Thank you for sharing this with me ;) Makes me feel better that we can all fall apart but we're better for the hardships we encounter ;)

Loves to you!!

Katie said...

Ahh I just think you're great. And brave. And amazing. And I love that your therapist cried with you. And I have a million other things I want to say to this post, but mostly just that it is SO amazing that we can get through our trials - with the help of Jesus Christ [and yes, sometimes therapists!]. Thanks for sharing :)

Ashley from Sloanbook said...

Hey girl! Thanks for sharing! I don't think that going to see a counselor is weird at all or for crazies! I mean it is for all kinds of people! I went a few times at BYU because I was a perfectionist and always had straight A's and it was hard to do that in the Business school there- it is in the Top 5 business schools in the nation. Anywho, it gave me anxiety but I feel that it was very helpful, the going part! So no worries! I think you are strong! And thanks for posting this! :) :) :)

And you should totally set up your email in your Blogger Profile so I can reply to your comments :) I was going to tell you how I got the gig for writing for Express. I'll just tell you here ha. But I signed up on Social Spark (go here... http://izea.in/ruTy and click sign up as a publisher!) Basically you can add your blog and fill out info. and sometimes you get offered to write posts on certain topics! So I got paid $15 to write that post on Express. Some topics are relevant, some not so much but I felt like it was relevant enough for my blog so I accepted it! You don't have to accept any but you can just see if anything comes up that you like. It was my first one, so we'll see. I'm not going to do a ton, just here and there if it is relevant ya know! Let me know if you have questions! Sorry this is the longest comment ever!

Ashley

Brittany Lew Whoo said...

you're so brave! don't let anyone bring you down girl, you are amazing.

Clint said...

Im so proud of you! You are an inspiration to so many that I'm lucky to have you! :)

Megan said...

I love you for being so honest about this! I don't think there is anything embarrassing or weak about therapy! You are strong for being able to go!

katie said...

I love that you shared this part of your life. This will encourage many who are afraid to reach out to others for some guidance.

Megs said...

you are amazing for sharing this!!! i know how hard it can be to open up about such a personal thing and really scary of what people will think. but i can honestly tell you so much good will come from you being able to share with others because so many people (like me!) will be blessed by your story and your strength. you are so brave and i truly admire you! thank you so much for sharing! :)

Jill said...

I used to go to therapy, too! I had a lot of issues I had to sort out at fourteen, and it really helped me get through them! Go Alexis!

Kylie said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. You have no idea how timely it is in my life....not for me personally but for someone I care for and love very deeply. It's so hard to see someone you love in pain, knowing they need help, but they think it would be weakness. So thanks. And thanks for the link to that other post, because it was seriously something I personally needed. Thank you! You are a beautiful person and we've never even met!

Lace said...

Oh girl, you should not have been nervous to put that out there. So many of us are in the same little therapy boat. And EVERYONE has issues they need help working through... some people are brave enough to go seek the help and some battle it themselves, but at the end of the day we're all a little wonky in the brain! So happy that you put it out there! Now, take a deep breath... didn't that feel nice? ;)

[& is that your husband that commented up there? How cute is that?]

Amy @ amy day to day said...

I don't think it's weird at all. I know of a lot of other bloggers that go to therapy, big bloggers too! I thought it was weird at first, but it seems like it's very normal! i'm curious now as to what it'd be like!

Emma Frances said...

You truly are brave. Sharing your life with the blogging world can be so scary at times. But thanks for sharing this. We all need help whether from therapy or WHATEVER/WHOEVER else and it is the brave people who get off their butts, put away their pride and ASK for help. You. Are. Amazing!

Ariana said...

I really admire you for having courage to seriously put your life out for anyone to read! I've never gone to therapy, but after reading your post.. I don't think it's such crazy idea after all.

Also, I like what you said about it giving you TOOLS. Our generation tends to expect magic wands for their hurts.

:), Ariana

Lauren Gardner said...

Whoo hoo! You go girl! There is NOTHING to be ashamed in going to therapy. Sometimes I feel I need it daily. :) I dont even know you, but my heart goes out to you and I love you as a sister!

karajean said...

I'm glad you posted this :) I hope you stay confident in your decision to post it. Clearly, you have no reason to be ashamed!

When I was just ending my senior year of high school I wanted to go to therapy for some serious body image/eating issues I was having, but I was terrified of telling anyone how I felt. So I didn't, and I never went. Things have straightened out quite a bit since then, but it still would have been nice to have someone to talk to when everything was falling apart. Good for you!

Gentri said...

I think that is very brave of you to share this. :) I'm so glad you did! I think therapy is a wonderful thing. I've never been, but I know that talking about things can help so much.

On a side note- I was wondering why you were never posting, I wasn't getting any updates. Im glad I just popped over and saw that you HAVE been posting and I've missed it all. Gr. Well, I unfollowed and then refollowed. So hopefully that will solve this terrible problem. :) I've missed you!

Elizabeth and Kyle @ Love Is the Adventure said...

Heck, YES, you do, girl! Therapy is awesome. I go myself and recommend it highly to others. I'm of the mind that all of us have deep hurt and most of us could really benefit from having a safe place to share it, process it, and grow in our own self-awareness in a non-judgmental, neutral environment. Going to therapy doesn't mean you're crazy or desperate (but if someone is one of those things, therapy's great for that, too). It means you're taking care of yourself and I think that deserves genuine admiration.

As a society we are taught that relying on others is weak, that showing our less pleasant emotions is inappropriate or a sign of immaturity/mental health issues. The truth is, it takes a very strong, very real person to say, "Hey, guess what, I'm not always okay. But I'm going to take care of me by pursuing relationships/places that allow me to feel safe and cared about."

I get really irritated with people who think that being "unhappy" or talking about "sad things" is a character flaw. The world can be a sad place, too, and if we can't share our burdens with one another, what's the point?

Sorry for the novel-length comment but this is a passion of mine (and Kyle's). Thanks for posting about this!

Jessea Knight said...

Go girl! Im in therapy too...*gasp!* and it turned out alright didnt it?? Better than that- its a great thing :) I recommend to anyone in life's transitions.

Sara Shoemaker said...

I am so proud of you Alexis! Personally, I think Everyone should go to therapy. Everyone could benefit because we all have deep issues to work through. Good for you for being brave enough to face your trials head on rather than cowering away from them! We can all learn from you :)

aleisha said...

i think it is so amazing that you did post this! even though i don't know the specifics of your personal trials, I have also gone to therapy for my own things and I completely relate to everything you said. god is shaping us to be the very best we can possibly be. you're great.

Megan and Justin said...

I think it is absolutely amazing that you are sharing this. go you! It's awesome that you were willing to go to therapy and try it out. I can definitely learn from your example :)

Courtney B said...

Love you, Alexis!! And I think you're so amazing and totally an inspiration! I have no doubt that yourw helping change lives with this blog!
I've never done counseling but I've thought about it before. Eric and I have a great marriage but sometimes I wonder how much it would help to have a 3rd party teach us about communication. The right way to communicate. Bit anyway, I don't think therapy is anything to be ashamed of! So keep your chin up, because you ate beautiful, amazing, and such a strong woman!

Chelsea said...

You are a beautiful little nugget of goodness.

Alsooo. Cute hair, girl. It's still way long! Longer than mine, probably. It fits you really well!

~Lindsey Lee~ said...

Thank you so much for sharing! It gives me the courage to make the appointment to go see a therapist...I have just been too scared and worried about what people will think and such...

katilda said...

i wish more people shared things like this! it's like going to a doctor...we shouldn't be ashamed. it's too bad there's such a stigma against it! I totally went to therapy my jr and sr years of college because of anxiety....i'll never forget when one of them made me realize it was ok to feel what i'm feeling. I know that sounds simple, but really....it was like every time i felt sad, stressed, anxious, i piled a thick layer of GUILT on top of it for feeling that way. Without knowing it, I'd been beating myself up for my own emotions. When i realized this, i wanted to stand on a roof and yell I'M SAD AND IT'S OKAY. I'M STRESSED AND THAT'S OKAY. SOMETIMES I'M ANGRY AND THA'TS OKAY. Incredibly liberating. If i wasn't admitting my emotions, how could i deal with them? Ah, i ramble. Basically, i think you are brave. Coming from someone who never felt brave in your exact shoes for the longest time, I think you are courageous and wonderful. Keep at it.

Darby Arby said...

go you, Alexis! Did you know I want to be a marriage & family therapist some day? I'm proud of you. Going to therapy can be hard. But it's a good thing and never cowardly. Only brave. :]

celestial* said...

Therapy is never something to be ashamed of. I'm so glad you're doing that for yourself, because I know from experience that you just feel SO MUCH BETTER afterwards. Thank heavens for professionals, and for God. He's pretty great too.